Song for You: a haiku

I absolutely loved this. It has such power and meaning for it to be just a haiku! Punctuation would help for those who don't analyze like I do, but overall, it is simply wonderful. If I am certain, but I believe you are speaking to a girl about the relationship you two share, you thought it was something more than it was and in the end you feel like a fool. Like I said before though, I absolutely loved this. I hope to see more haiku's from you, this on was too amazing and I wonder what else is in that mind of your's that can write such amazing pieces.

Bent, Last week I read a haiku that ANI wrote, and that inspired me to write many haikus. Was there a reason that there was no punctuation? -London

[edit]

Oooo.... actually, I like that lack of comma because of the double meaning. I like haikus since they're so simple, but they usually aren't.

The first line I love because it's so simple. It's rejecting the narrator, so straight off we feel sympathy for the narrator, not because of anything that the narrator has told us about his life but because we see him growing beneath our very eyes, and I like that a lot.

The second line is almost a rush of strange thoughts, and I like this also. I see it sort of a "fwooosh!" An infodump of ideas confined into seven syllables. But a good infodump.

And then I love the last line. Ending the poem with something so simple is just gorgeous. And I just love it because you have this change occurring in your narrator, but at the same time this statement is so innocent, so free of any change that the change is going back, not to the angsty days of old, but the older days of love and simplicity.

So yes. I love this poem.

It is meant to be "God, you're beautiful".

I'm more adept in prose than poetry. But haikus always a good puzzle, a challenge to write something in so little. It tends to be better at impressions, images than ideas.

I have only half a minute, more or less, to comment--then I've got work (and I can think about it a bit more).

Quick question to clarify: Is it intentionally

bent wrote:God you're beautiful

God, [comma pause?] you're beautiful

Hmmm. I'm a little disappointed that nobody who commented on this poem actually understood it's meaning, which is odd because everyone I've showed it too before this understood it. Also I find it strange that this was one of my most well recieved poems up until this point. Ah well, perhaps there's still time for someone to figure this one out.

I liked the last line but not the second line. I understand the second line but think it should be re- phrased.

I don't care whether it is a haiku or something else.
It should have sense or have some meaning, that is what really matters.

In the above poem it had a sought of meaning but the second line is confusing.

You can expand on haikus; all you do is write a series of them. Each haiku can be like a stanza in any other kind of poetry, all relating to the subject at hand.

I adore haiku, but the thing about the style is that it has to be done well or it shouldn't be done at all, because three lines of mediocre poetry is pointless. I'm sorry to say, this doesn't fit into what I would call 'done well.' It's too hollow. I know, it's hard to make something solid out of three lines, but if you can pull it off I'll respect you a whole lot. I'll stop rambling, but remember that if you don't think you can achieve everything you wanted in three lines, don't use a haiku to write down your idea.

As I always tell people, feel free to completely disregard my advice.

The Black Rose wrote: I think if you expanded WAY WAY WAY WAY more then it would be good.

I liked this. To echo Jack, it's simplistic and easy to relate to. Again, it needs punctuation. That basically covers what I was going to say. Nice work.

(Oh, and a note to everyone else: I don't want to clutter your thread, Bent, so I apologize in advance. However, I find it necessary to say that we need to be mature enough writers to comment and provide critiques on a piece--not just bash its genre. So please, try to avoid doing so.)

I can relate to the simple meaning. The thing about haikus is that at least they always read well and usually make sense. Better than some things.

I'd punctuate a bit more though. A comma after God in the last line and after fool in the first.

brilliant haiku bent i take it its about how good the world is and thanking god

Haiku... the only one I enjoyed was about a frog and that one was totally rediculous.

I think if you expanded WAY WAY WAY WAY more then it would be good.

thinking things are what they're not

God you're beautiful

Well that hardly seems like constructive commentary. I like haiku form poetry simply because it forces you to express a lot in very few words, the end result being (if you've succeeded) something simple and beautiful.

I will start off with this: I HATE haikiu. Personally I think its far FAR too structured for its own good, and it leaves absolutely no room for insight or thought provoking statements. It can't do justice to the world around you with so little space and since the purpose of all art is a representation of the world around you, haiku are bad. So unless you happen to be in apan in the middle ages, haiku are pretty useless. But this is all personal opinion.

Also b eing so short, it makes it difficult to make a valid critique of it, other than haiju are generally nature themed, his is technically accurate, and there is little left to say. Even the prettiest, most profound haiku are unremarkale, (imo) so I find it difficult to find possitive comments about it.