I knew an amazing storyteller once;
he used to talk in great waves,
distorting space and time,
and weaving majestic tales
through the immeasurable tapestry
of the infinite.
Occasionally,
during an especially epic climax,
in the most legendary of sagas,
the waves would warp
and sway feverishly
until two waves met
and flatlined.
If you stared into the chaos long enough,
and affixed your eyes
in a certain manner,
you would see magically before you
the gods, naked and innocent
playing games and sipping tea.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Benny ^^ Shina here ;P And I'll be your reviewer this evening.
I'm not going to get into all the technical stuff because I think Fand covered it, so I'll just get into the overall idea:
This is definitely a great example of showing and not telling, something hard to do. The way you tell this story is so casual, yet there is a story between the lines, weaving their way together like the tapestry in your poem. The way you described a tapestry was very fascinating and shined a new light on it for me. I can't say much about anything else xD I'm still awed by how much it relates to my novel and how much it's inspired me. I have to go write that prophecy! With this as my inspiration, I've got a jumpstart!
Good Luck and Keep Writing
-Shina
Glad I could help! And if there's anything else you want me to critique, just PM me -- can't promise I'll get to it immediately (lots of reading for college, and NaNoWriMo looms), but I'll be as prompt as possible! You've got a great style, anyway; can't wait to see more!
Wow, thanks Fand. I agree with just about every change you've suggested here, except for the removal of the word magically towards the end. The reason I can't remove that word is because it represents a subtle touch of irony, something you'll find pervading most of my works. But yeah, other than that, will you become my full time editor?
How has this not been reviewed yet? Well, at least this way I'm first. *Is smug.* Now down to business... (Edit: oops, looks like I was beat to it!)
This has some serious, serious potential, man. I love the whole idea of the piece -- and when I say love, I mean marrymeplease -- and the imagery you've used is, while not in itself especially original, combined in such novel ways that it's all incredibly vivid. There are some things you could improve on, though (as there always are, trust me), so here's where I get a little long-winded. Apologies in advance.
This is a fantastic way to start a poem. The only qualm I have is the use of punctuation. Ignore this if you think it's off-base, but I think the line breaks et al. would be much more effect if you used punctuation more like this:
*You could do two things with the punctuation at the end of this line. It's perfectly grammatically sound -- and pleasing to the ear -- as it is, but if you'd like to make the stanza more imperative, and kick the poem off with a little more strength, I'd suggest cutting all punc. at the end of that line. It will give it a much more breathless feeling, which can allude to sensations of exhiliration or awe, much as the narrator seems to be feeling in regards to the storyteller.
This is one of those images I was talking about before; I've seen these two images (the waves and the flatlining) individually, but never combined, and it's really very effective. The only thing I have to criticize here is where you've chosen to end the lines; it's rather jarring, and therefore kind of counterproductive, since all of the imagery in this portion is rather smooth. I'd break it up something more like this:
But this part...
This has to be my favorite image of the entire poem. Only one quick crit: I'd take out the word 'magically' from the first line; it doesn't add anything, and makes it sound a tad bit cliched.
I really think you have something going with this poem; with just a little polish and reworking, it could be something truly special. Cheers, and best of luck!
Fand
I reaaaaallly like this. There's something about it that just draws me in. I cant really think of much to say in terms of constructive crit, except that im not sure about the last line. Im not exactly certain of what im unsure about, but i feel it could have more an effective end to it. Ack. I'll come back later if i come to a conclusion. I really like the name, but whats it got to do with the context of the poem?
Anyway, good stuff. I like your writing style, and i'd like to see more of your work.