PSA

In the event of a continuum quake the first and most important rule is to panic without abandon. The more coherent you are, the more devastating the effects will be. It is recommended that you locate the nearest firearm and fire it wildly at random. If you are not in possession of a firearm, or any type of explosive device, a good suggestion is to wait for matter to lose its consistency, and then use the opportunity to walk through the walls of your local armory or sporting good store and loot the place aggressively.

If you happen to fall through the Earth then you should try to aim for lava pools as you’re tossed back and forth over the gravitational hub of the planet. This is to ensure that your death is quicker and less strenuous than a simple suffocation under miles of dirt, once the spatio-temporal wave makes up its mind again.

In the event of level best time dilation you should take note to grab hold of any perishables and/or loved ones, or even just someone who’s ok in your book and happens to be nearby, and hold as tight as possible. This will nullify any sudden and catastrophic subjective age gaps.

Lobe looting is strictly prohibited in this universe and stowaways will be jettisoned without hesitation or mercy. Last rites are not an option, as a good Christian shouldn’t be hijacking another person’s brain in the first place.

If you find yourself in an alternate carbon based universe that is unfamiliar, you should seek out your alternate self, kill him/her, and take his/her place, as the chances of returning to your own universe are dictated by Planck measurements (i.e. slim as to be nonexistent). Be aware that your alternate self has most likely been taught all the same self-defense techniques that you were taught to fend off aggressive alternate selves. Always be mindful, as a responsible citizen you should be keeping track of any twins you have, and so if you happen to meet yourself on the street, strike first. This too, they have most likely been taught.

If you find yourself in a non-carbon based universe then you are probably already dead or inside-out, or you’ve introduced foreign molecules into a balanced system and upset the equilibrium causing the universe to implode. Whatever the case, this scenario is one of certain death, and really no advice can help you at this point. There is one exception to this rule, and that is if you find yourself in an alternate non-carbon based universe of the dead. If you find yourself here, you’re best possible course of action is to die as soon as possible, and then find a job, become a useful member of society, perhaps even elope.

If up becomes down and down becomes up SEEK SHELTER IMMEDIATELY. This can be in either a building, or a vehicle, any type of ceiling will greatly improve your chances of survival. If it is inside a building then you should remember to turn off all the ceiling fans. Also note that on occasion left will become right and right will become a new direction, known as ‘glorm’. It is highly recommended that you avoid at all costs maneuvers going ‘glorm’. Scientists have been working to discover where ‘glorm’ comes from, and where right goes during this phenomenon. The accepted theory at this point is that beings that dwell in the 4th dimension can be cheeky bastards.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from the offices of The Federal Quantum Safety Bureau, have a nice week, that is, unless you are stuck in a time loop and reliving the same day over and over again. Keep an eye out for the very first time-loop safety manual to ever be printed, on shelves tomorrow! It will tell you everything you need to know to break free from what we can only sympathize must be a personal hell.

FQSB