Published March 24, 2007
--------------------------------------------
This is just an expression of feeling...not poetry, not a monologue, a script, or a story...
...just pure emotion.
Enjoy.
--------------------------------------------
HIM
She was my love, and I her's. With all my heart I loved her; with her's I. Every day I spent with her; a movent away was eternity. My life was filled with happiness and delight, and my love - ohhhhh my love for her was like eternity.
Then HE came. HE came with arms, HE came with fury. HE came with brash words, HE came with illogical reason. HE came for her.
HE took her without consent, HE said it was for her own good. HE said it was law.
But what of Love?
HE said, "It mattered naught.".
And what of will?
"It matters naught too," said HE.
"Then what matters?" We asked.
"It matters only," said he, "With what the law promotes."
"But what if the law is wrong?" I asked.
Said HE, "The law is never wrong."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
mhhhmmmmm...I did enjoy. rather a lot. Like a big piece of zero calorie cake! hoorah!
However, on pieces like this, on poetry, and on emotion, one can hardly presume to proffer up a critique.
But rest assured, I did enjoy.
... wait, what? The grammar totally went to hell there, especially in that second part. The first part makes sense, but the second is a real weird sentence fragment. Her what? "You" what? Eh, eh?
I think you can take out the "ohhhh" or at least take out the extra Hs and maybe add an exclaimation point. (Kind of the way and lo! works, if you will.)
It's interesting that you always capitalize HE. (At first I thought it was somehow a God thing, but apparently it could go either way.)
If you're going to capitalize Love I would capitalize Will and Law as well, to get that oldschool/archaic German capitalization thing goin'. (I'm also not sure I understand "will" either. I think "her will" or "free will" would make more sense.)
I really like that this is open to interpretation. I got several different ideas from it: HE raped her, HE killed her (HE might be God or HE might be a random murderer), HE is her father taking her from an older lover (she here being jailbait) or something else entirely. (Was I even close with any of those?)