Miss Mary-Edwin Treslavander stood nervously, clutching a placid red balloon, during that particularly humid day on the twelfth platform in the Laureldale City train station. The train station was exactly four blocks from Mary-Edwin’s apartment and due to the short distance it took to get there, the poor woman had been standing there for the past two hours.
Her skin was covered in perspiration and a slight odor hung around the school teacher. After the first twenty minutes of her stay on platform twelve Mary-Edwin had the distinct desire to return home and reapply the cheap lemon scented deodorant that she had used thirty minutes prior to her trip to the platform. One hour and forty minutes later Mary-Edwin had yet to return home and fulfill her desire.
There were two reasons to why Mary-Edwin was standing in the train station dressed in warm clothing on this hot day. Perhaps one reason would be that the lonesome school teacher had received a strange package that morning in the mail. The second possible reason was fear. A fear that was completely irrational and yet completely rational all the same. It was a fear of losing something important even though she had know idea what she would or might be losing.
Mary-Edwin had two choices to make, the same way you the reader have two choices to make: continue reading the unforetold tale or simply stop reading this story and do something far more constructive with your life. Either way it’s your choice. It was also Mary-Edwin's choice to either completely ignore the package she’d received along with it’s contents and continue on with her dull life or to follow the instructions given and possibly step into an adventure of grandeur.
I pray that you the reader are not continuing to read this tale of untold proportions but if you are: Mary-Edwin chose the later choice.
She licked her parched lips in anticipation, casually glancing down at her wrist watch every thirty seconds or so. Every so often a train would pass by bringing a brief relief to the scorching heat. Mary-Edwin had shrugged off two layers of clothing during her wait. She had no idea what or for whom she was waiting for, or even why.
That morning she had woken up; changed into her normal dull gray attire; after, she routinely went down the hall that connected all the rooms to the front door to pick up any mail that would normally be pushed through the mail slot. But, my dear reader, today was no normal day and so when she stopped in front of her door that morning she found a package wedged into her mail slot.
Upon viewing the package she realized there had been no stamp, address, name, return address or anything you would normally see on a package you receive in the mail. Mary-Edwin’s curiosity had been thoroughly peaked. She opened the package and dumped the content onto her wooden table. Among the contents was a spy glass, red balloon, a bright blue dress, bright red rubber rain boots, yellow raincoat with a matching hat, and umbrella. Along with the strange apparel were instructions and so following the instructions we find Mary standing at the train station two hours later.
As she nervously glanced down at her wrist watch an unscheduled train slowly pulled into the station unnoticed. It heaved a great metal sigh of relief as it screeched to a deafening halt. Mary-Edwin clutched her ears in an attempt to block out the sound. She couldn't help but wonder why no one else wasn't following suit. Her attention, though, was quickly grabbed by a strange dark figure moving through the steam.
It was a man dressed in crisp black conductors uniform that approached Mary. He tipped his hat to her in a silent greeting. Mary could hear the soft crinkling of the conductor’s neatly pressed clothing but kept her thoughts to herself and quietly exchanged a squeaky hello. The man handed her a white envelope. He tipped his hat once more and began to retreat back into the station.
Mary-Edwin looked back up to ask the man from whom was this letter from but as quickly as the man appeared he had vanished into the sea of people that swarmed the station constantly. Mary quickly dismissed the strange conductor from her thoughts and swiftly opened the envelope. Inside was simply a thin blue, almost translucent, piece of paper. On it was scrawled four simple words in a handwriting foreign to Mary-Edwin, Get on the train. She noticed in the envelope was a second slip that she hadn’t seen for it was white and blended in. This one was much more specific for it was only one word, Now.
With no further question, Miss Mary Edwin Treslavander, in her red boots, yellow rain gear, and red balloon, stepped into a train and into an adventure all her own.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there, Barcoded Kami!
This line jumped out at me. Even if it is somewhat okay for this tone, it doesn't seem to fit in properly with the story. Because it isn't really in the first person POV.This is an interesting story. I'd like to see how it develops. So, onto the review.
I do like the tone you've used, but just make sure you don't go overboard with it. Else, it might start to sound a bit boring.
First thing that strikes me is that you kept switching from Mary-Edwin to Miss Treslavanader to Miss Mary-Edwin Treslavander. I'm okay with a few variations but this just makes me a bit annoyed. Try to be fairly consistent.
You began and ended with that morning. Not good.
On your character, yes, she seems like a lady with a dull life. Maybe you could show us a little more about her. But I'm not complaining too much. There are more chapters.
Pace. Well, I did find it a little too slow for me. Maybe instead of actually changing the time in the story, try to vary the descriptions. (That's my little opinion.)
I can't say much about plot; this is the first chapter.
Keep writing.
~Lava