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A Motel

by BaoTin


What a night to drink, Eron said to himself. He just repeats that phrase while walking on the streets, hope to find another pub to join.

He can’t sure if he has touch someone while moving on the pavement, maybe too drunk to notice anything around. In his mind appears one picture, a motel, somewhere he can take a nap and settle down till he completely sober. Then, he see the light, Eron moves his head up, tries to read what have written. On the board that contain a line that said “Hermann’s Motel”, one luminous light is glittering from those. Hell yeah, he though, and then walking inward. What a night to drink.

His eyes are slowly open, Eron can senses something soft and sound comfortable, he knows he lying on the bed. All of his five senses trying to operate in the same time to find out what is happening. First, the furniture of this room, they look unfamiliar. Second, where the hell is his pants? Well, wake up on a strange bed of a strange place sound out of ordinary to him. However, this thing is so damn smooth, like a cotton candy, makes him doesn’t wants to get up and find out where he is. But soon his mind starts become so clear, now he remembers what was happened last night. He wants to find a motel, and now he get it in final.

Sighing in relief and relaxing himself, he swings his arms around randomly, till his left hand touches something. Something is not supposed to be there. Eron turning his head toward the direction of the unidentified object. That the moment when he’s realizes he not the only one who take the possession of this bed. He can see a blonde hair, pretty long. He still not wakeful enough to see everything clearly, like a blurred transparent shield is stuck right on his eyes. But oh my god, it’s a girl. Wait a minute, based on his below average memory, he had not met a single girl yesterday. Maybe his girlfriend, but that is before she started a fierce fight over him, said she hates him and wants him to pissed off himself. Damn, thinking about it just make hurts. But no way he would betray her, he knows that. In the moment, another idea cross his mind. What if, just if he had done something with this girl. He was too drunk, and this girl looks quite hot, he lost control and done something that he swears he never wants to imagine it. Whatever happened, he just wants to say to her “That’s a wonderful experience, however I have a girlfriend.” No that too straight, he has to be more sensible “ I’m glad you and I have a both good time, this is my phone number, I hope you and I can become friends” or he can say this “What happened is happened, just two of us acknowledge about this, just take it as a good memory and live on.” Yeah, like that.

He shaking her shoulder, is she still sleeping? Eron can’t finds any reaction from her, more exactly, she totally lying lifelessly. And why her body is so cold, like all of human warmth have been drained from this young girl. He has the hunch, and not in a good way.

Pulling her toward him and has the glance on her face . And he see it, everything he wishes not true. That hollow pair of eyes, pale skin color, and deep cut on her neck. He can see blood, a lot of blood, dried up in scarlet color.

Eron runs out of his comfortable zone, fleeing to the door. He doesn’t care to looking back, all of his thought is get the hell out of that room. And he keeps running and running, ignores the chit chat of motel’s customers around him.

“Call me an ambulance, please. Call for me.” Eron said to the manager. Who is sitting on the chair with the not-so-expressive emotion like “Are you serious, man?”

“Easy, sir. Now tell me what’s your room number.” The manager said.

“How the hell can I remember that?” He really can’t. He hasn’t enough of gut to notice it “Do you know what happened in my room?”

“What happened?” The manager said. He looks not really cares.

“There’s a girl, on my bed, and she bleeds so much of blood! Can you believe it? I’m thinking maybe I’m crazy but it was happened.” His voice has been driven to the edge between craziness and despair.

Thirty minutes after that, the motel is full of noisy sounds, from the honks of ambulance vehicle to the noisy crowded guesses. First what they see are a bunch of medics in white uniform, then the appearance of local cops on the patrol cars. People keep asking why the cops showing here. To answer that question, while the medics team make a wide-scale research of the scene, what they worry most is the deep cut on the neck of victim. The clues point out that she had been dead about few hours ago.

Eron finds himself on the seat of squad car, one officer on the driver seat. What is happening? The police have told him to follow them to the station. They said they need some kind of information but he really don’t knows what it is. What he knowing at this moment is the felt of desperation and terrified that have clad in over him.

Be told to enter the room with four walls and barely of furniture, a table with chairs on the middle, Eron now understand he has been trapped here. They said a detective is coming on the way, said him to waiting here and don’t be nervous. All of this shit, he doen’t knows or maybe he doesn’t want to. His mind just go wild to no precise direction……..Until.

“You can sit now.” The door is open and Eron see a man behind it. The man wearing some jacket alike to detective costume that he see on a TV, maybe a gun is carried right under the sleeves. Now the tough time is just begin.

Eron do what he told. The man staring at him for a moment then looks back to the sheet of paper on his hands.

“Do you know why you here?” The man asked.

Why he’s here, Eron thought. He just someone found a room to sober down, he didn’t kill anyone. But it’s his opinion, none of other. He remembers when the police carried him to a vehicle, what he saw in the expression of civilians…..all of them are the despite and hatred, like he’s a real murderer.

“Please, I’m not kill anyone.”

“I’m not asking that.” The man said.

“I’m just try to identify your role in this case. So, what’s your story?”

Eron still shaking, he mumbling something but he can’t makes it to a proper sentence.

“My name is Cady Grapo.” The man said “And you shouldn’t be fear.” His voice now so gentle “If you not guilty, you’re not guilty. You know that in bottom of your heart that you’re innocent, right? So, speak to me, son. I’ll help you out.”

That words really melt down all of Eron’s chains of despair. He see a light now, and he accepts to take it from this man.

Twenty minutes have past after that. Two people on a small room, one asks, other answer. Everything go on without much of confusion.

“So, I understand you just try to find the place to settle down.” Cady said.

“Indeed, it might be my clearest thought in that moment.” Eron said.

“And you don’t remembers anything else? Anything before that?”

“Well, while I in the bar……”

“No, no. I don’t ask that.” Cady interrupted “I mean before you enter the pub. What was you doing?”

“Well, before that…….Let’s me see.”

“Do you hang out with anyone?”

“Now you mention it, yeah. Yesterday, before I went to the bar, I stayed with my girlfriend Helen, more like ex-girlfriend, actually.” Eron said.

“Ok, go on.”

“But then it happened.”

“What happened?” Cady asked.

“I have argument with Helen…..It’s quite serious. I hope she’s ok now.”

Cady’s face starts to turn gray, he takes one picture from his papers. Then staring at Eron then asked:

“I see, your girlfriend didn’t enjoy your party, huh?” He continued.

“How she could? I didn’t even see her again last night.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Why are you asking about Helen? Does she have any concern in this story?” Eron asked.

“You still don’t recognize about that, do you? But it makes sense, you’re too drunk to identify the body. And you was too scared with so much blood on her face.”

“What are you talking about?”

Cady say nothing except to show him the picture of one pretty blonde girl, she has such the beautiful eyes.

“You know her, right?” He asked.

“This….this is Helen! Why?” Now he senses that. The feeling of anxious is coming back to him.

“We found it after had identified the decreased victim. This, Eron, is your dead girlfriend!”

He wishes can be deaf so he doesn’t have to hear all those words. But it too late, he hears it and now it running crazily in his mind.

“How that impossible? How can I kill her?” Eron said, almost to himself.

“Yes, you right. You didn’t kill her.” Cady said “She did it by herself.”

“Why?”

“This is my theory, listen carefully and don’t be nervous, ok? I’m sure that after your personal party last night, when you went out of the bar and wandered on the streets, she had following you.”

Cady pauses to lit his cigarette, sighing then continues to speaking.

“She followed you to the motel, pretended to hang out with you. I believe you can’t remember that, right?”

Eron nods lightly, trying to predicts what will happen, sure won’t like it but still waiting for answer.

“When you two together on a private room, she took you to the bed. Then she thinks about a plan. More like a suicidal plan actually. I know in that right moment she had no other thought except to strike all of vengeance upon you. But she didn’t kill you, she wants you to suffer. And I don’t know what crazy ideas you youngsters had, I just know she out of her mind. She decided to kill herself to throw all of the blame on you. Sorry for me to say this, young man, but that totally the most fucked up solution I ever see. Now look at it’s consequence, you sitting hear to feel sorry about the one you loved, also the one tried to hurt you.”

The interview soon to exit right after that. The medic was declare their analysis, the fingerprints on the knife which cut victim’s throat, all point out she’s the person who did it. Then come to a newspaper at the morning, the first page is talk about a young, passionate girl, who choose to kill herself to get her revenge. Some people arguing about this, and some other just sight and said “What’s wrong with those kids of this generation?”

But the most noticeable thing of a news is the picture of one young man, who proved to be innocent, and a man who is the lead detective of this case. The arms of a detective swing across the boy, like he tries to protect him from information-hunger paparazzi.

And the boy, who just get out safe. He can go home and relax now. However, his face looks so anxious, like he regretted for had done something not right, something he hopes he can fix. Yet it was too late forever.

The End.


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160 Reviews


Points: 8923
Reviews: 160

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Thu Apr 09, 2020 1:53 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hello BaoTin!

To start my review,
Below is a spoiler of some grammar, wording, and tense comments. After that, I'll give you some general comments of what you did well and what you can work on.

Spoiler! :

He just repeats *repeated that phrase while walking on the streets, hope *hoping to find another pub to join.

He can’t *wasn't sure if he has touched someone while moving on the pavement, maybe too drunk to notice anything around. In his mind appears *appeared one picture, a motel, somewhere he can *could take a nap and settle down till he was completely sober. Then, he see *saw the light, Eron moves his head up, tries to read what have written.
...and he moved his head up, trying to read what was written.
On the board that contain a line that said “Hermann’s Motel”, one luminous light is glittering from those. ...a luminous light glittered
Hell yeah, he thought, and then walking *walked inward. What a night to drink.

Similar grammar mistakes are sprinkled throughout the story; be sure to edit it for errors like the ones I identified above. I'm just going to identify a few more grammar mistakes that are different from the ones above.

He has the *had a hunch, and not in a good way.

All of this shit, he doen’t knows or maybe he doesn’t want to. His mind just go wild to no precise direction……..Until. First of all, because there's swearing, you should add an age rating, at least 16+. Also, for the bolded typo: direction...until.

The man was wearing some jacket alike to *like a detective costume that he see on a TV,...

“I’m not asking that.” The man said.

“I’m just try to identify your role in this case. So, what’s your story?” keep this quote on the same line, since the same person is speaking:
"I'm not asking that," the man said. "I'm just trying to identify your role in this case. So, what's your story?"




General Comments
1. Grammar! Please proof read your story before submitting it.

2. Try and keep your story in the same tense: either present (is, am, are), or past (was, were). I changed your tense to past in all the sections I edited, but you can also choose to change everything to present. It doesn't matter, as long as everything is consistent.

3. The plot is interesting, but you can build up the suspense a bit more. In the interview, you could try getting the detective to give little hints as to what he thought had happened, eventually getting Eron to realize what he's implying.

4. Overall, the story is an interesting idea, however, I strong recommend that you pay close attention to grammar. Bad grammar and inconsistent tenses make it harder to read a story, and less enjoyable.

I hope this review was helpful. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Whatchamacallit




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10 Reviews


Points: 653
Reviews: 10

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Thu Apr 09, 2020 6:03 am
amazingbt wrote a review...



There were a few gramatical mistakes. Here are some of them:

"He can’t sure if he has touch someone while moving on the pavement, maybe too drunk to notice anything around."
You're missing a few words in this sentence. I would have changed it to, "He can't BE sure if he has touchED someone while movind on the pavement, maybe too drunk to notice." (I capitalized the edits)

Throughout this story, you seem to be struggling with writing in the right tense. In addition, I recommend re-reading your work to make sure you aren't missing anything gramatically.

On the other hand, the plot seems interesting, with a mysterious girl found in his bed. However, I think that that the information given by Cady to Eron talking about the twisted reality of what happened to Eron's ex girlfriend could have been introuduced into the story gradually. I think this is especially important because the new is so traumatic, and the reader might need more time to process the grim ending.

Wonderful story,

~amazingbt





Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle