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Young Writers Society



Working with the Enemy ch2

by Banana25


Gracie made her way around the corner, almost running into a guard. She instantly froze, hoping he didn't notice her. The guard scratched his neck and yawned.

The hall was long, with guards every few feet. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jayce slip into a door leading to the safe. She reached into her quiver and found an arrow. From a small pouch on her waist, Gracie pulled out a little rubbery ball. She took aim and rolled it down the opposite hall. She quickly notched her arrow and shot the ball. It exploded with a massive bang. Guards ran from all points to investigate.

Gracie immediately grabbed another ball and rolled it in the other direction. The guards were thoroughly disoriented as the second and third bang rang out. Satisfied, Gracie made for the door Jayce had gone through.

As she went through the door, her foot hit something kind of squishy. With a sigh she raised her eyes to look at the eight bodies scattered through the hall.

Why must he be so brutal? Gracie thought, exasperated.

The hall was lined with beautifully woven tapestries. Gracie ran her fingers over one depicting the ocean. A soft psst pulled her back into reality. With an elaborate gesture. Jayce opened the heavy metal door to the safe. Gracie weaved through the bodies to the door. A soft glow came from inside the room. Her breath caught in her throat as she stepped inside it. In the center of the room was an intricate pillar. Perched on top of that was Stormbreaker.

The large room had many pillars holding different treasures but the Stormbreaker was easily the most breathtaking. Jayce greedily stepped forward, hand outstretched. Gracie pulled him back.

"Hey!" Jayce snapped.

"Don't touch it. Only the Victor can touch it." Gracie shook her head and pulled out a burlap sack from her pouch.

"I don't believe that for a damn second. You really believe that?"

"No. We can touch it but we aren't allowed to."

"You mean you aren't allowed to."

"Technically, yes," Gracie sighed. "I guess you can touch it. But you shouldn't."

"Watch me."

"Jayce, please. Let me just put it in the sack and we'll go." Jayce's expression softened as Gracie spoke. He quickly put on a pout.

"Fine. But I'm taking this cool looking dagger."

Gracie rolled her eyes as Jayce grabbed a black hilted dagger off one of the pillars. Stormbreaker was even more impressive in person and Gracie was nervous to get near it. Reluctantly she pulled the burlap sack over the sword and picked it up.

Probably not the most respectful way to treat the sword that will save us all, Gracie thought.

"Alright, let's go Jayce. You carry this so I'll have my hands free to use my bow if need be." She handed Stormbreaker to Jayce who immediately started waving it around. He stopped after a disapproving look from Gracie. She nodded to the door.

Just as she was about to leave, something caught Gracie's eye. A little book bound in leather sat on a pillar by the door. Something unknown seemed to radiate from the little book. Without another thought, Gracie pocketed the book.

As they slipped back down the hall, Gracie readied her bow and arrows. The courtyard seemed as empty as it had been earlier as the guards were still trying to figure out where the explosions had come from. Her heart sunk as she realized they couldn't go back up the courtyard wall. It was too smooth. Thinking quickly, Gracie envisioned the map of the castle. Ten feet to their left should be a drain leading out to the moat. Their horses would be left in the forest but they could come back for them later.

She grabbed Jayce's arm and pulled him toward the drain. It had a heavy metal cover that took both of them to pull off. Gracie peered into the hole. A nasty smell assaulted her nose. She stepped back, gagging.

"No way am I going down there," Jayce said, holding his nose.

"We have to," Gracie nodded, "You keep hold of Stormbreaker till I get down. Then drop it down to me. Hopefully it won't impale me."

Jayce nodded. "See you soon."

Gracie slung her bow over her shoulder and lowered herself down until she felt the rung of a ladder. Slowly but surely, she made her way into the belly of the castle. The smell made her gag horribly so she pulled her shirt over her nose and mouth. After what felt like an eternity, she reached the bottom. Her nice leather boots landed in ankle deep water.

"Alright, I'm down," Gracie called up as quietly as she could.

A clatter rang out as the sword banged against some of the ladder rungs. Gracie stepped to the side and Stormbreaker fell into the murky water. She fumbled around in the water till she grasped the cool metal of the sword. Jayce came down the ladder quicker than she had and stood beside her. She pointed down the dark tunnel.

"That way to the moat," She said, semi-cheerfully.

Jayce grunted and took Stormbreaker from her. Reluctantly the two sloshed down the tunnel. The water became steadily higher and higher till it was at Gracie's waist. Jayce was holding the sword over his head as he walked. The tunnel's ceiling got lower and lower and the water got higher. Gracie stopped when the icy water hit her chin.

Shivering, she looked at Jayce, hoping he couldn't see the fear in his eyes. She didn't know if it was comforting or not, seeing the same fear in his. The realization hit them like a truck.

They would have to swim.


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Sun Jul 01, 2018 12:04 pm
Bloodlord wrote a review...



This is a fun continuation of Chapter 1! I like how we don't exactly know what Gracie and Jayce's objective(s) is / are yet as they attack. The ending is suspenseful and leaves us wanting to know more in the coming chapters.

I think this situation calls for a lot of action and nail-biting excitement, and I think you could really amp this scene up a bit.

When you described Gracy shooting the bombs, I was a little confused how they worked because of the order in which you put the sentences. As I understand it, the order is notch, aim, shoot, roll, explode? You did it in the order aim, roll, notch, shoot, explode, which made it a little confusing. If you just explain it in the order that it happens, then I think that would be easier to visualize.

I think you could put in more action / fighting scenes to make it more exciting, since the only action is really shooting two of the bombs. Maybe when they come out of the room after stealing things, the bombs are already under control and they have to fight their way out of the place. That would make the last part where they have to swim even more dangerous, urgent, and suspenseful.

You can also add more description to make the scene more exciting. Too much description can slow things down, but I think more description here is necessary to bring the readers into the story. What do things sound like? Does the smoke smell like anything? This is a raid, so you want to convey a sense of chaos by using multiple senses.

Overall, great chapter, and I look forward to reading more!




Banana25 says...


Thanks a bunch for the review and tips. I will definitely be using your tips to improve my writing!
Thanks again
-Banana25



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Wed Jun 27, 2018 6:28 am
Mariel says...



WOW!




Banana25 says...


I hope that's a good wow! thanks for commenting!



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Wed Jun 27, 2018 2:04 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hey banana! I'm here to help bring this story out of the green room for you! I apologize I didn't read the previous chapter first, so I'll be looking at this as part of a greater whole.

I thought the action in this chapter was cool! I love that your main characters are active in the plot and doing dangerous and exciting things right away! Even though I don't have a lot of context about why they're doing what they're doing, I wanted to see if they would be successful with their mission and how everything would pan out for them.

I thought you had a nice dosage of description in there, and the biggest thing missing for me in this chapter was a sense of urgency or really any emotion as they're going through this little mission. This is a pretty dramatic scene, they have to navigate this area and fend off guards, and step over bodies, and find the things they need, and get out. But, as I was reading, it felt like a series of events rather than an exciting journey.

I think one way you could add more suspense and emotion to the scene is by breaking things up with more introspection and thoughts from the characters. I'm a sucker for an inner monologue and knowing how character's brain's work and what their thought processes are. I would love some of that here! What are her emotions when she sees the dead bodies and what goes through her mind? How does she know where to go? How does she feel as she's navigating through all of these areas? How does she feel when she reunites with Jayce? How does she feel and what goes through her mind when she sees all of the things in the room? How does she know it's time to go? Etc. Slowing things down and giving the thought processes and feelings behind each action will add to the emotion of the scene. I want to connect with your characters and understand your characters :)

Overall though, intriguing plot! I hope you keep working on this story. Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention! :D




Banana25 says...


Thanks you so much for the review! I will take all of these things into account to improve my writing!
Thanks again
-Banana25




“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables