Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!
I like the vagueness at the beginning of this short story. It kind of shapes out the story better than I thought it might've and it does bring into the light of what the black mass may be. Though, while the characters know what the black mass is, I kind of would like at least a bit of background on why they are fighting it. Is the Barren some sort of soul-sucking creature that is invading the countryside? I think the description is key in these sorts of things and starting off with the main problem is a bit rough without it. Along with description, what does Erika look like? You may explain this later on in different short stories (I'm thinking that this could actually be a good novel idea), but if you were to put it in the first part, you could grab the reader's imagination.
The one thing I'm noticing with the beginning is that you don't give much of a background of the story. With a background, whoever will be reading this can easily put the thing in place and as for the writer, it may help with later chapters. I have a feeling, though, from reading some other works on here, that you will add it after this. I do think that if you added a bit of background before all of this happened, it will strengthen the story a bit.
They stood out like blood against snow, their tan skin and dark hair standing out against the fair skinned Kvians.
This can be placed into two different sentences because the first part has a subject and then the second part also has a subject. Also, fair skinned is one word.
I want some more emotion coming between Erika and Liam. Their dialogue could use some descriptions to describe their mood. How do they feel ready to fight the beast? Maybe even clue in whoever is reading this on why they are fighting the Barren. Without much action, there wouldn't be a consequence to the characters. I learned in English class that you should have a problem for every character, and I realize that this is a short story, but I mentioned it before. I think that you could expand this into a chapter or something.
Now, I like the chemistry between Liam and Erika. Though I do think, they should slowly get into love. Have Erika realize her feelings halfway through battle or Liam realizing he loves Erika after something big happens. Other than that, I think they are both wonderful characters from this idea.
To cap, I like the main idea of this short story. It is making me wonder, though, what the black blob might be and why they are fighting it. Another thing I'd like to suggest is hinting at why Erika wants to leave and why Liam wants to follow after her. I can't wait to see what you come up with next! Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!
Points: 3205
Reviews: 54
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