E - Everyone

Prologue (The Mate Between Brothers)

PreviousNext

The air was cool on his warm skin, for dusk had passed already hours ago, leaving a gentle breeze in its place. He'd only been wearing a thin black shirt and jeans, nothing to cover his bare arms. He was standing in front of a tall building, his eyes focused on the only window still lit up by lamplight.

He wondered if he'd be able to see her, even at the distance that he was. A small hand came into view, holding a brush that was carefully combing through her brown hair. Just the sight of her hand, her hair, filled him with... Excitement? But that wasn't quite it. His expression hadn't altered, though his heart began to hammer in his chest, beating with such intensity he thought his ribs might snap and break. His veins pulsed, adrenaline powering through them, and he didn't dare blink for he—

He slid into the shade of the bushes as soon as she looked over the windowsill. He prayed she wouldn't step out onto the balcony, surely she'd see him. Her face was porcelain, though without a doubt exceptionally beautiful. His eyes focused in on her, allowing him to see the green of her eyes, the flutter of her dark lashes, the lace collar of her silk nightgown, the rosiness of her flushed cheeks. The girl's arms were crossed, just below her breasts, rather in protection and warmth than in frustration. She held a hard expression, almost confused. He wondered if perhaps she'd heard him rustle a branch on accident, or a twig break under his step. Though it was barely a few seconds — a few very long seconds — before she turned back into the room, shutting the window to keep out the brisk air. He waited for any sound, anything to run his belief that he might catch a glimpse of her once more that night, but the dousing of the room's light shut off his hopefulness.

He turned to head into the streets, away from the house and towards his own, when he heard a crack. If he'd been a cat, his ears would have twitched towards the noise. Stopping in his tracks, he turned to face the sound, eyes squinted to see into the dark night shadows. He could make out a tall figure, unrecognizable by the lack of light. All he did was stare with mild confusion, his eyebrows slightly furrowed.

The silhouette slowly made its way towards the road, the streetlights illuminating the figure. It was a man, though very different from the other. His hair was a shiny white, seeming to be more silver in the light of the colorless street lamp as the other man's was dark as the midnight sky. He had a much smaller build, more gangly, though his toned arms were noticeable through his white long sleeved shirt. He had grey eyes, where the other had dark brown, nearly black ones.

The silver haired boy opened his mouth, "Spying on the girl, are you, Minn? I never picked you as the stalker type." Though his words seemed to joke, his expression was blank.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were back with Lucinda—"

"I was." He interrupted, "But of course if you had bothered to tell me that you were leaving I wouldn't have snuck out."

"The moon is full tonight. You shouldn't be out here, it's dangerous. You could get hurt—"

"Just as much as you could." The boy with the silver hair looked rather bothered, snarling.

"No." The dark haired boy, Minn, chuckled humorlessly, "Not as much as I could. I can handle myself."

"And I can't?"

Minn shook his head, a trace of a grin on his lips.

The other boy's eyebrows furrowed, casting a shadow on his light eyes. "We're not supposed to see her. Not until she comes to us. You know that."

"Us? Hmm, funny that you think that she could be compelled to you. The only one of us that she will find is me."

His hands closed into tight fists, his nails digging into his palms, "Fine. I can play your stupid little game. But she will find me first, I can promise you that."

"She may find you first, but that does not mean she will choose you. I can argue you that." Minn began to walk away from the silver haired boy, his grin still painted on his face.

"Two can play your game! I know how you do it, and I promise you I will not lose!" His words were lost in the night, his companion had already vanished into the shadows, leaving him alone in the deserted street.

~ ~ ~

Hey guys! The author here! So, I'm looking for some reviews about how to get it to be smoother, what I should work on here. It's just a Prologue, so it's not as if it's going to be extremely revealing, so I hope that didn't bother y'all too much. I hope you like it, and that's pretty much it. Thanks.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Raindeer
Review

Yo Bailey! So I'm not very well versed on werewolves and their stories (I know basics, like soulmates) but I wanted to give this a peek!

I don't really do nitpick-y things in my reviews but you mentioned you wanted to smooth it out your writing (which I'm assuming is the flow of words...?) so I'll make a portion of my review on that!

The air was cool on his warm skin, for dusk had passed already hours ago, leaving a gentle breeze in its place. He'd only been wearing a thin black shirt and jeans, nothing to cover his bare arms. He was standing in front of a tall building, his eyes focused on the only window still lit up by lamplight.


So right off the bat I noticed there are a lot of compound sentences used (I believe that's what they're called - I'm not *entirely* sure though). This can actually help the flow because it can smooth over two sentences that may instead be very choppy, but using it in every sentence makes it actually become distracting? At least to me, reading the same "type" of sentence over and over gets a bit boring and repetitive.

He prayed she wouldn't step out onto the balcony, surely she'd see him.


This is a run on! Either add a semi-colon in replace of the comma or a conjunction (but I think because would be the best fit here).

His words were lost in the night, his companion had already vanished into the shadows, leaving him alone in the deserted street.


This sentence doesn't read right and although it's the last sentence it does disrupt the writing. I would break it into two sentences or make it into something like "His words were lost in the night and his companion had already vanished into the shadows, leaving him alone in the deserted street."

Okay! So actual story. Since it's the prologue, I don't get much from it but it seems like these three characters will be the main ones in the story. It seems like a love triangle, which I think is a risky and slightly cliche move in the werewolf genre, so I'd just like to suggest that adding your unique twist to it will make it much more appealing! Keeping the love triangle is totally fine, but since it's so overdone adding your own spices to the cliche will make it much more interesting. ;)

I like the characters so far, even if it's just the prologue. A bit of their personality shines through in the dialogue, which is very nice. It seems like the main character's going to have a tough to choosing :p

I think that's all I have!! If you could tag me/let me know when your first chapter comes out I'd love to read and review it. :)

~EternalRain

I have a question. How do you quote pieces of text? I've been trying to do that and end up just writing it in line with quotation marks.

Thanks EternalRain! And also, I wonder how to quote pieces of text...

No problem! And this is the code:

Code
 [quote] Text here! [/quote]

User avatar
Tylexie
Review

Wow! This is very well written, and makes me want to read more already. Since you've pretty much got most of it covered... I'll just focus in on grammar. Oh, the terrible torture of grammar.

1st paragraph: "...his eyes focused on the only windows still lit up by lamplight."
I would take out the "up," and just leave it "lit by lamplight." The "up" is not really necessary, and makes the sentence seem a little bit choppier.

2nd paragraph: "...filled him with... Excitement?"
Did you mean to capitalize the "e" in Excitement?

3rd: "He prayed she wouldn't step out on the balcony, surely she'd see him."
I would either add a word after the comma (for example: "for" or "as." Ex: "He prayed she wouldn't step out on the balcony, as surely she'd see him) or make the comma a semicolon. That sentence is a run-on.

4th: "He turned his head into the streets, away from the house and towards his own, when he heard a crack."
I would change "into" to "to." After all, his head won't be walking into the streets. I'd also add "had" after the first word: "He had just turned his head to the streets, away from the house and towards his own, when he heard a crack." The "when he heard a crack" coupled with "he turned," makes it seem like he heard the crack at the same time that he turned his head. I don't know if this is intentional, but I just wanted to point that out.

5th: "It was a man, though very different from the other."
This sentence is a little confusing, and it took me a little while to figure out that by "the other," you meant Minn. All of the references to "the other man" in this paragraph almost got me confused as to which one you were talking about. Maybe introduce the name earlier?

Dialogue:
"I was." He interrupted, "But of course..."
- "I was," he interrupted, "but of course..."

"The moon is full tonight. You shouldn't be out here, it's dangerous..."
- Change comma to a semicolon (run-on again).

I love their banter and teasing; it really gives the first good look into their personalities! Everything else is nicely written. I look forward to the next chapter!

P.S. Grammar is evil!

Thank you so much! I'll be posting a new and improved version, in case you want to take a gander at it. It'll be mostly the same though, so I'm not exactly sure if you want to read it or not.

I was editing it while reading this review, and I've taken your notes into consideration and they all make a lot of sense to me. Yeah, I suck with grammar and run on sentences, but I suppose that's why editors exist XD

Thank you so much! I'll be posting a new and improved version, in case you want to take a gander at it. It'll be mostly the same though, so I'm not exactly sure if you want to read it or not.

I was editing it while reading this review, and I've taken your notes into consideration and they all make a lot of sense to me. Yeah, I suck with grammar and run on sentences, but I suppose that's why editors exist XD

You're welcome! I'm glad to have been able to help. As long as grammar exists, I will exist... haha not really; that'd be a long and boring life filled with grammar.



The highlighted children are not mine.
— AresFig