Hey, BaileyMatwiiw! Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it!
A bump in the road caused Oakley to be flung forward and forced to look up from her engaging hardcover novel.
I think you have the right idea for a first sentence. This has the bones of a good beginning to pull the reader in, but your execution is just a bit off. It's especially important that your first few sentences are great because they're the first impression of your novel, and you only have one chance to make a good first impression.
The problem with this sentence is that it's very telly and almost like it came from a textbook. You have the potential for it to be very dynamic, but you don't use your words in such a way. Here's an example of how you could make this more dynamic: Oakley pitched forward and looked up from her novel, hair catching in her eyes. She scowled when she realized that it was only a bump in the road that had disturbed her reading. I did combine the first two sentences and rework it just a bit, but I hope you see what I was trying to do.
'Caused Oakley to be' kind of distances the reader from Oakley, but when you get right to it and cut out the extra wording, you can make the reader better experience what is happening to Oakley.
The car bounced a little as they drove off of land and onto a narrow, although long, two lane bridge.
You have a similar wording issue here. Your extra words choke up the sentence and distance the readers from the story. It's at odds with your dialogue, which is very nicely done and immediate, in my opinion.
A better sentence might look like: The car bounced as they drove onto a nerve-wracking narrow bridge, with no end in sight.
You're explaining when you should be describing.
Oakley felt the book slip from her hard grip, and her stomach fell, a feeling similar to being a passenger on a descending airplane.
I can feel what Oakley is feeling here, but the tone of the description does not fit the situation here at all. They're driving off a bridge, not descending from an uneventful flight! Perhaps liken it more to a plane crash than just a descending plane.
The boy was slugged over the dashboard, his head at the windshield.
I think you mean 'slumped.'
It was all very real, reminding her of the accident that nearly killed her alongside her aunt.
This is a bit telly too. I think there's probably a better way to say that the event really happened.
I actually want to address the 'it was all just a dream' beginning. Often it feels like the readers have been tricked. I think a better way of beginning the story would be to cut out the waking up part and use this as a prologue or just as chapter one.
Overall, I enjoyed this and I'd love to be tagged for further updates. I think that you started very strongly and I'm excited to see where Oakley leads us. I know I ragged on you for description and clunky sentences, but other than that, your writing style seems very well developed. I hope this review helped, and feel free to ask me questions through pm or reply if you have any.
~Storm
Points: 2200
Reviews: 235
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