A bump in the road caused Oakley to be flung forward and forced to look up from her engaging hardcover novel. Her hair got caught in her eyes, and she winced.
"Sorry!" Aunt Laura said, "I didn't see that pothole."
"Well it was right in the middle of the road, Mom." Ben laughed from the passenger seat, "How could you not have seen it?"
Laura shrugged and ignored her son's comment. "How are the bags doing back there, Oaks? Nothing is squished?" The car bounced a little as they drove off of land and onto a narrow, although long, two lane bridge.
Oakley tore her mind from her book, pulling herself back to reality, checking their grocery bags to make sure the bread hadn't been flattened. "Yeah," she replied, "everything seems okay."
"Oh good," her aunt sighed in relief, relaxing her hands on the wheel. Why was she so tense? "God knows Ben loves his toast, don't you Benji?"
He teased her with a punch that sounded as if it were painful and giggled, "Don't call me that, Ma. I'm not seven years old."
Her aunt smiled, but it was a smile that seemed to have no emotion. She turned her attention back to the road, as the vehicle swerved into the opposite lane. She watched in horror. Ben's hands were at the wheel, but he wouldn't purposely drive the car over to the other lane, would he? His hands were fumbling at the steering wheel, and Oakley realized he was trying to turn them back to the proper lane. That must have been what he was doing.
But, he hadn't been quick enough. The vehicle was met face to face by an oncoming truck, and swerved to the left, bounding off of the bridge. Oakley felt the book slip from her hard grip, and her stomach fell, a feeling similar to being a passenger on a descending airplane.
She had no time to scream, just time to gasp, watching the dark water below come closer and closer to the windshield.
Water pooled into the car, cold and cold and colder on her toes, her ankles, her shins. It was rising. Fast. "Laura!" She screamed.
Her aunt was holding her forehead, blood seeping from her hairline. She must have hit it on the dashboard. Her eyes were wide with panic. "Ben. Ben, are you alright?" Her voice was shaky, barely a whisper.
The boy was slugged over the dashboard, his head at the windshield. She saw him twitch, as if his nerves were poking at him. She thought she saw a twitch at his mouth, his lips almost seeming to curve up in a grin, baring a set of sharp teeth. It must have a been a trick of the light.
The water was at her waist, freezing her bare legs. She cursed herself for deciding to wear shorts that day. She looked to the door, twisting at the handle. Pull, Oakley. PULL.
The rest seemed like a blur, the door was open and she poured out of it. Her aunt fought to drag herself out of the flooded vehicle.
She looked back, only seeing water, no evidence of Ben inside the car. She noticed a sea animal's silhouette swimming away, avoiding the scene of the crash. Her lungs burned in her chest, and she was forced to breathe in a mouthful of water. She felt it, cold on her throat, as pain laced her nerves. She forced herself to swim, swim, SWIM. But she didn't know which way was up, or which was down. She felt a hand on her wrist—
—and jolted awake, sitting upright in her bed, pulled into a coughing fit. Her stomach stopped retching when she realized there was no water in her lungs, she wasn't in the cold lake, and that she was safe in her own bed. Her breathing wouldn't slow, no matter how hard she tried to take control of it. She counted down from 100 in her head, waiting for her heart beat to fade back to normal.
The night was stormy, and the rain dropped harshly against her window, painting the walls with dark grey streaks. She beckoned her panicking mind to quiet. It was just a dream, Oakley. It was only a dream. But it hadn't been a dream at all, had it? It was all very real, reminding her of the accident that nearly killed her alongside her aunt.
She felt paralyzed, reluctant to fall back onto her mattress. A part of her believed that if she did, she would be pushed back into the cold deadly waters, unable to breathe. The rest of her night was filled with tossing and turning, trying so hard to fall back asleep, and at the same time willing herself to keep her eyes open. But eventually, she gave in to the friendly ghost of sleep, washing her away from reality and into the depths of slumber.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey, BaileyMatwiiw! Storm here for a review, so let's jump right into it!
I think you have the right idea for a first sentence. This has the bones of a good beginning to pull the reader in, but your execution is just a bit off. It's especially important that your first few sentences are great because they're the first impression of your novel, and you only have one chance to make a good first impression.
The problem with this sentence is that it's very telly and almost like it came from a textbook. You have the potential for it to be very dynamic, but you don't use your words in such a way. Here's an example of how you could make this more dynamic: Oakley pitched forward and looked up from her novel, hair catching in her eyes. She scowled when she realized that it was only a bump in the road that had disturbed her reading. I did combine the first two sentences and rework it just a bit, but I hope you see what I was trying to do.
'Caused Oakley to be' kind of distances the reader from Oakley, but when you get right to it and cut out the extra wording, you can make the reader better experience what is happening to Oakley.
You have a similar wording issue here. Your extra words choke up the sentence and distance the readers from the story. It's at odds with your dialogue, which is very nicely done and immediate, in my opinion.
A better sentence might look like: The car bounced as they drove onto a nerve-wracking narrow bridge, with no end in sight.
You're explaining when you should be describing.
I can feel what Oakley is feeling here, but the tone of the description does not fit the situation here at all. They're driving off a bridge, not descending from an uneventful flight! Perhaps liken it more to a plane crash than just a descending plane.
I think you mean 'slumped.'
This is a bit telly too. I think there's probably a better way to say that the event really happened.
I actually want to address the 'it was all just a dream' beginning. Often it feels like the readers have been tricked. I think a better way of beginning the story would be to cut out the waking up part and use this as a prologue or just as chapter one.
Overall, I enjoyed this and I'd love to be tagged for further updates. I think that you started very strongly and I'm excited to see where Oakley leads us. I know I ragged on you for description and clunky sentences, but other than that, your writing style seems very well developed. I hope this review helped, and feel free to ask me questions through pm or reply if you have any.
~Storm
Thanks! I'll keep your tips in mind!
Hey there! MJ jumping in for a short review
A bump in the road caused Oakley to be flung forward and forced to look up from her engaging hardcover novel. Her hair got caught in her eyes, and she winced. How can her hair be "caught" in her eyes?
Grammatical notes in the spoiler.
Grammar things that need to be changed are in red
My comments are in blue
Strikethroughs are words/phrases that need to be taken outSpoiler
"Sorry!" Aunt Laura said,Period here "I didn't see that pothole."
"
Wellit was right in the middle of the road, Mom." Ben laughed from the passenger seat, "How could you not have seen it?"Laura shrugged and ignored her son's comment. "How are the bags doing back there, Oaks? Nothing is squished?" The car bounced a little as they drove
off of land andonto a narrow, although long, two lane bridge.Oakley tore her mind from her book
,and pullinged herself back to reality, checking their grocery bags to make sure the bread hadn't been flattened. "Yeah," she replied, "everything seems okay.""Oh good," her aunt sighed in relief, relaxing her hands on the wheel. Why was she so tense? "God knows Ben loves his toast, don't you Benji?"
He
teased her with a punch that sounded as if it were painfullightly punched her arm and giggled, "Don't call me that, Ma. I'm not seven years old."Her aunt smiled, but it was a smile that seemed to have no emotion. She turned her attention back to the road, as the vehicle swerved into the opposite lane. She watched in horror. Ben's hands were at the wheel, but he wouldn't purposely drive the car over to the other lane, would he? His hands were fumbling at the steering wheel, and Oakley realized he was trying to turn them back to the proper lane.
That must have been what he was doing.Why isn't Aunt Laura driving? Why is Ben in control?But, he hadn't been quick enough. The vehicle
was met face to face bycollided head-on with an oncoming truck, and swerved to the left,boundingflying offofthe bridge. Oakley felt the book slip from herhardgrip, and her stomachfelldropped, a feeling similar to being a passenger on a descending airplane.She had no time to scream, just time to gasp, watching the dark water below come closer and closer to the windshield.
Water pooled into the car,
cold and cold and colder[ on her toes, her ankles, her shins. It was rising. Fast.freezing cold and rapidly rising up past her shins "Laura!" She screamed.Her aunt was holding her forehead, blood seeping from her hairline. She must have hit it on the dashboard. Her eyes were wide with panic. "Ben. Ben, are you alright?" Her voice was shaky, barely a whisper.
The boy was slugged over the dashboard, his head at the windshield. She saw him twitch
, as if his nerves were poking at his eyes.I don't see the comparison She thought she saw a twitch at his mouth, his lips almost seeming to curve up in a grin, baring a set of sharp teeth. It must have a been a trick of the light.The water was at her waist, freezing her bare legs. She cursed herself for deciding to wear shorts that day. She looked to the door, twisting at the handleand pulling as hard as she could.
Pull, Oakley. PULL.The rest seemed like a blur, the door was open and she poured out of it.The rest was a blur as she dove out the door and landed with a splash in the cold lake water.Her aunt fought to drag herself out of the flooded vehicle.She looked back, only seeing water, no evidence of Ben inside the car. She noticed a sea animal's silhouette swimming away, avoiding the scene of the crash. Her lungs burned in her chest, and she was forced to breathe in a mouthful of water. She felt it, cold on her throat, as pain laced her nerves. She
forced herself to swim, swim, SWIM.forced her legs and arms to thrash in the water, mimicking something like the But she didn't know which way was up, or which was down. She felt a hand on her wrist——and jolted awake, sitting upright in her bed,
pulled into a coughing fit.[color=red]Reflexively coughing at the memory of the lake water in her throat, Her stomach stopped retching when she realized there was no water in her lungs, she wasn't in the cold lake, and that she was safe in her own bed. Her breathing wouldn't slow, no matter how hard she tried to take control of it. She counted down from 100 in her head, waiting for her heart beat to fade back to normal.The night was stormy, and the rain dropped harshly against her window, painting the walls with dark grey streaks. She beckoned her panicking mind to quiet. It was just a dream, Oakley. It was only a dream. But it hadn't been a dream at all, had it? It was all very real, reminding her of the accident that nearly killed her alongside her aunt.
She felt paralyzed,I don't think that paralyzed is the best way to describe how she feels here, but you're the best judge of that. reluctant to fall back onto her mattress. A part of her believed that if she did, she would be pushed back into the cold deadly waters, unable to breathe.New paragraph? The rest of her night was filled with tossing and turning, trying so hard to fall back asleep, and at the same time willing herself to keep her eyes open. But eventually, she gave in to the friendly ghost of sleep, washing her away from reality and into the depths of slumber.
Overall, I really liked how bright the flashback was and how it showed in a very real way how the memories don't fade after the event is over, that the nightmare isn't over for weeks and months and years after the traumatic event. I corrected some of your sentence forms throughout, so if you disagree with what I put in there, there's no pressure to edit them in. They were just how I personally would write it, especially since in the beginning, you sometimes had two or three participial phrases, which can be grammatically incorrect.
One other suggestion I have for you is to adjust how she wakes up so that she was drowning, because the moment of death is oftentimes when people snap awake in nightmares, at least from what I've heard from people and from what I've read in novels similar to this one.
Hopefully this review was helpful! Sorry for the extra harshness, but I wanted this chapter to reach its full potential even through the sentence structure and the little things that could be redone to make it just a little bit better.
Best wishes,
MJ
I can see where some of your notes were coming from, but when Ben said "Well it was right in the middle of the road" the "Well" was more a personality thing and how he would have said it. When I said "met face to face with an oncoming truck" I didn't mean that they collided. I meant that the truck was coming towards them. Some of the notes you had I think you misunderstood, but either way, I am grateful for your notes. Thanks.
that makes sense. I misunderstood some of those sections, so thanks for clearing that up. Hopefully the rest of the notes were helpful!
They were thankful!