Forget every sweet word I ever said for autumn.
It is this mid-spring where my passions lie.
This heady sweating spring heatwave life,
that scent of sunscreen and lotion.
An April’s summer day.
It feels like a chalk day,
a day when I was younger,
in the little neighbourhood we lived,
on the cement blocks in our garden.
We would draw chalk on them.
Today feels pungent on my tongue,
something fermenting and turning sweet in my lungs.
Too hot to run and yell or shout;
too hot to fear or worry or doubt;
just right to lay back and do nothing else,
but fan yourself slowly with the book you can’t read;
in this sun the pages are a messed bright white.
In this sun our thoughts are burning ash in this light.
This is a poem I did for NaPo. Since I'm not a poet, I wanted to get it reviewed.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello, Shaniac here to review this piece!
I really like the descriptions that you have in places in this poem. It kind of brings me back to my childhood where I would spend all day in the sun and draw chalky images of my imagination-it was a simpler time. Along with this, I did notice some rhyming. Now, with rhyming, I like to think that you should have the entire piece rhyme so it is consistent throughout the piece. That is just a tip that I remember my English teacher teaching me.
There are a few places in this poem that could use some more depth to them. Like, the transitions seem kind of off in the sense that you are talking about a memory of some sort. For example, "on the cement blocks in our garden./we would draw chalk on them". By this stanza, it doesn't have to separate from one another because they both share the same idea. Also, what do you mean by when you say 'them'? You could be talking about the blocks or you could be talking about the garden. It is helpful if you describe what you are saying so that it doesn't cause confusion for people who read this.
In another part of this poem, the lines "but fan yourself with a book you can't read" and "in this sun the pages are a messed bright white" should be swapped. With the first line, it almost makes it seem like the person can't read and when you say book, my first thought is like a hardcover book so maybe add some descriptions to it. Also, messed bright white sounds a bit off. Perhaps what you could say instead blinding white light.
One more place I want to look at it is in the beginning with "this heady sweating spring heatwave life". The stanza bit too wordy, in my opinion. You could reword the stanza a bit to sound like "the life we live/within this spring's heatwave" or something.
To cap, this poem does relate to that sweeping heatwave that most states of experiencing. Including the state that I live in. As a suggestion, perhaps try reading aloud your poem. You are better to find small mistakes and figure out how to reword them. If you have any questions, let me know!
I really like this! Although it doesn't quite flow as I think a poem should, it is easy to read and based on a nice topic.
One thing I’d like to mention: there is some rhyming in it but it is not a pattern. I think a poem should have either no rhyming or repetitive rhyming, not somewhere in between. I like the poem though, and I am answering your call for reviews. I do think that it could flow and rhyme better, but overall a very good effort. Well done.