persona

Hello! KatyaElefant here to review! Happy Review Day!

Things that need to be fixed in my opinion: First off when you say, " I am; a name on a screen
profile," I feel like you should move "a name on a screen" down to the "profile" line. I feel that would be more effective than using a semi colon affect "I am". Organization needs to improve here. I think you could separate this into several stanzas without changing them in the middle of a stanza. If you can do that effectively that would make your organization really good and thus improving the reading experience by a lot! Also you could expand on this poem more and say other things about this topic. One last thing, I feel like your title is not fitting. I love the word but just I don't know. It just doesn't speak to me as a title.

You did sooooooooooo many great things in this poem. Where do I begin? I love how you use imagery amazingly when the poem is so short. How you did this? I have no idea. Next I love how you describe love at the end but you don't say it and so you have to say it in parentheses. i find that very unique and I love it! I love the way you use the word persona because I that is very fitting in this poem. Great job on this piece! I really enjoyed it! Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Haha, back so soon?, you ask. Seems like you posted a few poems on free work day and that means I'll get to know you a bit better through them.

Maybe it's just my personality, but again I loved the images you had here. The leather, especially is an image that not only brings out a visual image, but also a strong color association; not one, but TWO textures; even working toward a general SMELL, and that's a really strong thing to include in a real scene on a real person's ankle. That makes me feel like you're writing about the real world, and that really draws me in effectively. Especially paired with a source of light (sunlight) and a sense of temperature (strokes my eyeballs) -- it's like you were trying to get every single element of sense in that SINGLE moment, and that was gorgeous.

So, haha, the problem then becomes living up to that moment. The next stanza keeps striking with "raised hairs" and "catapulted breaths", but your poem seems to wither after that stanza. Even up to "tepidity", you're still discussing your topic, so I stay with you, but the last four lines seem like icing on top of a cake, not really deeply felt, just added afterward and you kind of hope they fit.

Can you make it strong to the end? Can you find a way? I feel like vamping on the abstraction of your topic is going to make me feel dissatisfied, but I might swallow it if it has an image attached. Maybe go for the keys hitting the fingers -- the pad of a finger tip?

Anyway, I hope these thoughts are helpful for you!

Again, PM me or reply to the review if you have questions or want to talk.

Good luck and keep writing!

Hello, rhia here to review!

Your vocab here, first of, is great. It slowly builds up as the reader gets closer to the middle of the poem, then slows down again, which works very well with the structure of the piece. So there you go, you impressed me on two of the hardest things to impress me on-syntax and structure. Yay!

Now, with your opening statement of who you are, I get the feeling immediatly that there's so much more to you. I also get the feeling of a slowly realized resistance against this blanket statement of who you are. However, I want more as to why, now you're resistant to it. You start talking about a stranger and the feelings they bring to you, but I want a little more to why and how. The transition between those two center sets of lines is a little sudden and leaves it kind of open-ended.

Also, "eyeballs" kind of takes away from that line. You had some really beautiful imagery going, but the image of stroking eyeballs kind of killed it.

I love the realization though, and the ending is perfect.