AN: This is somewhere between a draft and the actual thing; it might get longer and it might get stronger. But I like it. It seems somehow a bit more unconcerned than the last one. A bit more into the action. However, there's probably lots of stuff I haven't noticed, and I'd be really awesomely thankful if you showed me up anything at all that seemed weird to you! Thank ye!
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He was dreaming real again.
Real dreams had been happening to him since he had been old enough to remember. He would be in the middle of some dream, something completely surreal and strange, a normal dream. But then, without transition, almost clumsily, as though reality were rearranging itself - he woke up.
Several inches before his nose, a dew-beladen stalk of grass quivered, then bent and slowly surrendered its load to the ground. Adden groaned, and sat up. Where was he?
A very strange world stretched about him.
He sat in what seemed like an entirely level plain, a grassy land peopled by large, ponderous beasts. They seemed entirely ignorant of his presence in their midst.
The sky was a delicate grey, hinting at a coming day. Morning mists clung to the ground, and Adden's entire body felt wet. He put a hand in his hair, and dew clung to his fingers.
On second glance, he recognised this place. As the initial disorientation gave way, he saw the forest, and far in the distance what looked like a mountain range, blue in the twilight. He had been here before. The grass was covered throughout with dew ; in fact, everything seemed wet: the ground, the animals (their eyelashes beaded with moisture), and the very air itself, laced with a fog slowly thinning in the growing sunlight.
A stomping sound, accompanied by humming and the distinctive whistle of a whip approached him from behind. Adden jumped to his feet, and turned to watch a silhoutte draw nearer through the fog.
The man, when he drew abreast with the boy, was stocky and slightly plump, with rounded shoulders and a rolling gait. His hair was nearly entirely gone, causing his sweaty forehead to extend backward over his shining skull. He wore very peculiar clothes, though they signified nothing to Adden in the dream. A shirt of some peculiar material, pliable and thin, and decorated in squares of different, contrasting colours. Not especially effective camouflage. His trousers seemed of a kind of leather, though infinitely more finely worked than any he had ever worn.
The strange thing about these dreams was that Adden was always completely aware of the fact that he was dreaming, yet incapable of changing anything.
This dream was quite well known to Adden. He knew the undulating landscape with the forest directly ahead. To his left, a large square area entirely peopled by those creatures. Large, gentle-eyed and, it seemed, incredibly docile, they bellowed, shat and chewed cud, and apparently did little else save occasionally mate with a concentrated fervour.
The man passed through them, at every stride swiping to each side with a lengthy cane, dispersing the few flies tenacious enough to brave the cool morning. On his shoulder he carried a mighty instrument. Masterfully put together, it showed no evidence of having been chipped or filed to an edge on either side. It was made of a mysterious material which glinted in the sun and looked nearly soft. The axe was larger and more powerful looking than any Adden had ever seen.
The man drew to a halt at the stump of what had been a large tree, perhaps twenty metres clear of the woods. He hefted his axe and, with a grunt, allowed it to descend in a determined swoosh onto a smaller piece of wood lying atop it. The man seemed almost bored as he placed another small chunk of wood on the trunk, and with another swoosh clipped it neatly in half. To Adden however, the procedure never ceased to carry a certain elegance. The smartness of the equipment and the ease with which it was wielded were fascinating. These dreams were his favourites - it was the larger ones, the volatile ones that always left him soaked and shivering when he woke up. Regardless of the setting, there was always a sense, almost pervasive of the atmosphere itself, that there was some lesson in the image.
The man carefully posited a new chunk of wood on the stump. Again, he lifted the axe, then allowed it to fall. The sun glistened brilliantly on his shiny forehead and along the edge of the axe. He wiped his brow. Four pieces of tinder now lay at the base of the trunk. The man grunted, and lifted a larger piece of wood up, itself in fact a segment of treetrunk, though rather smaller than the one upon which it rested. He split it into two pieces, then those again, finally placing them onto the pile at his feet.
Voices drifted from the direction the man had come from, and one of the animals turned her head and blinked in that direction for a minute. Again, the sounds - a clanking. And a man's voice, it seemed, shouting something. There was a barking, as well. Dogs.
"Adden? Adden!"
Oh, no.
Adden woke up. They were directly above his cave.
The was a scratching all about, as of claws on stone. The dogs were above, running in circles. They had him. Adden jumped up. His furs were essential, and the rest of his pack he had left untouched last night. With his fingers still numb from sleep and his body ungainly and clumsy so soon after waking, he rolled the furs together awkwardly and tied them with the leather thong. Quickly, quickly, quickly, he told himself. He slung the furs onto his back, grabbed his sack, and jumped.
It was a fall, but not too far a one, and he feathered it off well. Covered in dirt and hurting where he had hit the ground, the boy got to his feet and began to run.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hola muchacho
OK, so I liked how you established the chapter with Adden dreaming. Noting from the last chapter, this is a strange world he lives in, so I thought it was a good idea establishing these dynamics early on in your work. What I will say is that you first line was 'He was dreaming real again'. I know what you mean by that, but I thought it was a strange way to say it, and had to read over it a few times. Maybe it is just me, but I think maybe you should instead write: 'He was dreaming for real again' or 'He was actually dreaming again' or even 'He was really dreaming again.' Also, adding these revised versions also lets the reader know how mesmerised he is by the dreams.
As usual, you have stunning description. Imagery was never an issue for you, I noted this in your last chapter also. It really helps me get a sense of Adden's surroundings and allows me to put myself in his shoes. In the last review, I did mention that you dominated many aspects of your story with the descriptive narrative. This was not an issue, and I actually did see more of an improvement and balance in your work. I say this because a better balance between narrative, dialogue and description allows the reader to relate to a wider aspect of your work, as opposed to just one or two sections of it.
In terms of creating an atmosphere, this chapter had a more surreal and slightly eerier the than the last (the beasts ignoring him were a brilliant idea!) I think you have this distinct style where setting and imagery seem to be your forté. What I loved is how you have multiple degrees to your description. First, you talk about how Adden feels in terms of emotions and feelings. But you then go on to incorporate the other senses, like what he was seeing, feeling and so on and it adds such a diversity to your work that makes it much more easier for the reader to relate to and sympathise with Adden.
I love the enthusiasm with which you applied yourself to appearance and descriptions. I got such a clear visual of the man who emerged from the fog. Some writers can only commit very well to only one character, and the others are sort of lack-lustre additions that fade into the woodworks. But in this case, I could really see a consistency in your work. Also, many people don't remember dreams so vividly, but Adden was different. He noted down to the material of the shirt the man wore, and the design upon the shirt. I would see this as a character developing trait that Adden is a very observant person. But also that because he doesn't dream often, when he does dream it ends up leaving a potent impression on him. That being said, adding a little confusion and vagueness on Adden's behalf may be a little more realistic and add a certain mysterious tone to your work. Mystery and curiosity is what usually gives the reader the incentive to read on, as they have the promise of knowledge waiting for them.
In the last paragraph, there is very much going on, but that't not a bad thing. I loved how you used shorter sentences for more impact. Also, your short sentences mimicked racing thoughts which is a very cool (albeit unintentional?) thing. Nice way to end, you leave the reader wondering what will become of Adden, and also set yourself up for a very cool next chapter!
Well done and happy writing!
Ayesha! Thanks for the detailed and very helpful review #^-^#
So first off, I'm not sure if you noted this but these dreams are actually very different to his normal dreams. Maybe I should work that out a bit more? *spoiler* they're kinda real, and that's why I used that opening sentence. I debated about it for quite a while, but in the end I decided that that was the best way to establish that his actually understanding the dreams as something separate from normal dreaming.
Haha, I'm not sure about the unintentional. I try to write similarly to the way I think I would feel in that situation, and I guess shorter sentences would be a matter of course after being hunted down with dogs ;D
Anyway, I can't wait for you to get some of your own stuff up! Oh, did you get in a reviewing team in the end?
*flashes a neon-green light at you* Hai, lass, I is here for a review.
Now, if I'm being harsh, excuse me. I have a tendency to do that. Anyhows, let's get on with it shall we.
That opening line is interesting, short, concise but it also stirs the reader's imagination. Dreams are dreams, how can they be real? So nice choice of opening lines.
Yes, I know I'm being pedantic but details count. When using word choices, always go for the one that expresses what you want well and non-cliché. 'Very' is a very overrated word, instead of saying very. Search up a synonym.
Your descriptions are good, subtle yet expressive. Though mentioning the grass again is redundant. We already know that the grass is wet, just jump straight to everything seemed wet.
That sentence is awkward. Also, pass might not be the best word here. Pass implies a stiff motion, like passing an exam, passing a gate, passing through an investigation. You want something else here, how is he walking? What is his stance? Show us these things.
'at every stride swiping to each side with a lengthy cane' I know you're bilingual so I will excuse you for this. This sentence is awkwardly arranged, it would flow better if it were, 'he swept a lengthy cane to each side with every stride'.
I want to know about this mysterious axe. Saying that it glinted in the sun and looked nearly soft is not very accurate. You said it was made out of a mysterious material, well describe the texture of the material. Glinted, how did it glint. Nearly soft, what do you mean, nearly soft? Is it this foamy axe thingus? xD. Nearly soft isn't a very good way of describing something, try using a metaphor or a simile or even a personification. Also, a tip here. To make your chapter more lively and vivid, try writing your descriptions with an action. Instead of saying what the axe looked like in one single sentence, try writing as he walk or maybe he's doing something with the axe. It will make your descriptions more vivid.
Reise had already mentioned your use of commas, so I won't comment on it. However, I will comment on your use of double words. Meaning that two words with the same meaning has been written together. Like rather smaller in the above quoted sentence, they both work the same. 'smaller' would have been fine on its own.
Barking is a sound, it's not a quantity. So no need for the article there. Same again, with your next sentence.
Well, that was an interesting ending. I'm curious. Overall, I fee this is one of the most original works I've read in a while so that's saying something. There's a lot of potential in this novel, there are certainly work to be done. Not much happened in this chapter, a lot of foreshadowing and introduction to your character and tone. I can't say much about character development yet because I haven't seen much. From the way you're writing, it seems promising. Keep me posted, I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
All the best, lass.
-Laure
Well hello, lass. Thank you for the lighting, I needed that to get my UFO in safely landed.
First off, you ain't harsh, I agree with most of what you say. This is the second chapter - should probably put that in the heading - so lots of the stuff you talk about is either mirrored or counteracted in the last chapter.
I'm generally pretty descriptive, lagging more on the dialogue/character development side. So I tried to make this chapter a lil' bit more concise and cut out some of the descriptive words. However, you're right, I probably will switch around for more fitting words in some of the cases you pointed out.
I'm really not sure whether being bilingual has made me mess up sentence structure :c I didn't see anything wrong with that one, but if you say so, *notes*. I'll see what happens in the next chapter. Actually, rereading that it is a bit of a mouthful.
Also, my ice-cream is finished D:<
Thanks for the review, dood!
WOW That was amazing descriptive. It was not only vivid, but it beckoned me and told me. This person has some mad writing skills.
I love the way you described what Addian was seeing.
" in fact, everything seemed wet: the ground, the animals (their eyelashes beaded with moisture), and the very air itself, laced with a fog slowly thinning in the growing sunlight."
It was a beautiful imagine arousing in my head. Your vocabulary was extraordinary. I like that you didn't try to over extend it. And I totally did the non- dialogue. I find all work with just detailing. A work of art cause you show us, you really now how to show than to tell.
The nitpicks, I'm slowly looking for it. Cause I doubt there's anything. You're writing like a professional author. I'm even sure you checked yourself, to make sure there was no mistakes.
Beginning had a great hook!
Thanks for your review, Tiaradyson! (but I think I got some work to do before I reach the Professional Author Level
D)
Hey, Bae! You're my first review on Review Day! Woot!
Wow, the imagery in this scene was much better than the first one. You have a way of saying things that just makes me want to read them. It helps too that the action here was less hectic. I'm thinking that your writing style works best with less frantic scenes. For example, the first part the main character was running and jumping about and at some time the scene just got away from my imagination, but here I could picture everything that you described and it was beautiful. Don't even get me started on that opening line. I can't explain why it worked so well but it just did. Of course, this wouldn't be one of my reviews without a few nitpicks so lets pick them.
I wouldn't have mentioned this if it didn't happen more than once, but you don't need that comma there. There's no significant pause in that sentence so a comma is not needed. If the part of the sentence preceding the comma was longer you might have needed one, but in this case it's unnecessary.
You started off the comma set here but didn't finish it. No biggie. As you can probably tell, I care a lot about commas. It's because when I read I do so out loud, and those pauses - or lack thereof - become really apparent to me.
I'm willing to bet this was some accident or slip of the finger, but this insert doesn't make much sense in its sentence. Maybe you meant something like "but not a far one". I don't know what your brain is thinking; these are just suggestions.
On content, not much happens here, but I also don't mind because you write it well. I'm wondering about the significance of the man chopping wood, and that's how you get me, Bae! You keep me wondering about things and I need to read more to find out. That's great! Keep that up. This story just seems to get better and better.
-RP
Hey Rei! What. You're allowed to give me weird names.
So, first off, awesome, and I'm going to keep you around because commas are my bane and kryptonite o---O I grew up bilingually, and German is so effing complicated with commas but at least there are damn rules. In English it's kinda "eh, well I need to take a breath here so let's give it a comma".
That said, I don't get German commas either u.u
I think this one really benefitted (1) from my writing it over a shorter period of time and (2) from review day being so near that I just kinda uploaded it. From now on I'll try not to edit until I'm firmly seated in the next chapter u-u
Thanks for the awesome review! You're next.
I'm learning German O.O It's my main foreign language although I keep leaving it once I start really learning something. How funny xD And, yes, I'm allowed to give you weird names. I give everyone weird nicknames.