z

Young Writers Society


12+

Mechanical Jellyfish: October

by BadNarrator


Monday 10•1•12

I’m in the middle of a line of people ten miles long. The line goes to a tunnel beneath the massive stone wall surrounding the Holy Land. The Holy Land is a shopping mall the size of Israel. In the center of the mall is an amusement park. A statue of Jesus stands at the entrance of a wooden rollercoaster. The Ferris wheel is a giant wheel of Dharma with a smiling bodhisattva seated in the center. There is a tavern built into the entrance of the mall where the locals sit, drinking whiskey and shaking their heads at the people in the line. Perhaps they think we are refugees.

Wednesday 10•10•12

Jared* and I were invited to a party at Professor Bloom’s* house. There is a cover charge to get in, but instead of money you have to give the doorman a book. When we get there Jared and I realize that neither of us had brought any books with us. Luckily the house next door belongs to an old woman who runs a book store out of her living room. She isn’t home right now, but Jared says she won’t mind us going inside. All of the lights are off in the old woman’s house. The ghost of the old woman’s husband hovers between the rows. We each snatch the first book we see and leave. Outside the sky is black and raining popcorn.

Tuesday 10•16•12

My family and I are having dinner at my Aunt Colleen’s house on their ranch in North Texas. My grandfather and my uncle are watching football in the living room. The sky goes dark. When I look outside I see that a swarm of funnel clouds has begun to form over the lake. They look like giant gray worms. I warn my family but they don’t leave the living room until half-time. We each go into a different bathroom, fill the bathtubs with six inches of water and lay down inside it. When the storm rips the roof away from the house and I look into the eye of the tornado I can see the stars and planets.

Saturday 10•20•12

I have been conversing with the night and she has given me a new assignment. I am to drive my service truck around this quiet suburban neighborhood and haul all of the furniture out of the apartments units. The units have layouts that twist around each other. Some even wrap themselves around the nearby houses. A few of the apartments still have people inside them. They let me inside anyway because they know how important my job is. At sunrise I park my truck in a garage under the Brooklyn Bridge and ride the El-train home. All of the other people on the train have their faces buried in their newspapers, all except for one. A young woman in a white dress is standing on the opposite end of the train. When the train pulls into the station the woman starts walking toward me. Everyone else gets off the train in slow-motion, but the woman and I move at the same speed.

Wednesday 10•24•12

The bus takes us up a cliff along the beach in Southern California. We are going to the grapefruit colored tower where the landlord has promised us each our own room. When we arrive we ride the service elevator to the top floor. The apartment is rundown. There are cracks in the paint and bits of paper lying around. When the landlord flips the light switch the crickets writhing in the kitchen sink vanish. Unfortunately there aren’t enough rooms on the floor for all of us, so I will have to stay in the basement. At least I don’t have to share an apartment with anyone else.

Thursday 10•25•12

The whole city is up in arms because of the thugs. They’ve been going around attacking citizens and smashing windows on storefronts. I saw it with my own eyes, the entire plaza was deserted and every window on every store, car and apartment building had been pulverized into sand. When I heard one of the thugs talking I left the street and ran to the park to hide. I saw a man crouching behind a bench. I went over to him with the intention of warning him about the thugs, but before I could get a word in he jumped on top of me and wrapped his hands around my throat.

The world flickered out like a fluorescent bulb that needs changing. When the world came back I saw that I had been transported to another huge city miles away. The buildings were spaced so far apart from each other that I can barely see the roof top of the city hall from across the street. There are more people here but they are all speaking Russian.

Wednesday 10•31•12

I’m riding a Greyhound bus to Chicago. It is raining by the time I get to the city, but that doesn’t deter me. As soon as I get off the bus I begin wandering the street, passing out free toys and trinkets to passersby. I’m not sure why I am doing this.I have to hitchhike when I leave town because there are no more busses running. Unfortunately nobody picks me up and my clothes get soaking wet. I’ll catch my death if I don’t find shelter soon. There is a big white house on the side of the road. I knock on the door but nobody answers. The door is unlocked so I let myself in and change my clothes. As I prepare to leave I see a trophy case in the hall by the front door. Apparently a pro-football player lives here. His name is on his jersey, which is on display above the fireplace, but when I try to read it the letters shift around like leaves on the surface of a pond. It looks like a distorted mess of Ds and Ms.

The front door opens while I am looking at the jersey. The football player is there with his family. They just came back from church. At first I thought they might be angry at me for letting myself into their home, but they are unusually friendly. They act as if it’s not strange for me to be here even though I have never met them before. The mother offers to cook me something for dinner while her son, the running back, helps me search his home for my missing suitcase.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
160 Reviews


Points: 246
Reviews: 160

Donate
Sun Dec 29, 2013 1:11 am
View Likes
Rurouni wrote a review...



Wow...

These are interesting!



I came to the conclusion that these might be dreams? Correct me if I'm wrong...


I'm not sure how to exactly critique this. So I'll give it a go.


This is defiantly an interesting read. And it's a nice idea for people who might need inspiration. Are these ramblings or dreams?

If these are dreams.... Wow. Interesting...

One thing you could do is make these into stories, there's enough meat there to get you started.. Just an Idea...


I don't know what else to say... Very interesting.


Happy Review Day Cup thingy!


West Side Writers!

Always,

SW




BadNarrator says...


West Side Writers! Woo-hoo!

yeah. well thanks for the feedback. to answer your question, these are in fact dreams. I'm working on a non-fiction book of dreams from the year 2012. if you're interested I have a the rest of the dreams from that year up to this point in my portfolio.

also, it's funny that you mention basing stories off of these because several of my most recent short stories were lifted from my dream journal. I didn't use these stories specifically but it's worth mentioning.

anyway, thanks again for the critique and happy reviewing.



User avatar
40 Reviews


Points: 436
Reviews: 40

Donate
Sun Dec 29, 2013 1:10 am
View Likes
KittyBee wrote a review...



I wish I had the courage to write things like this, but aside my constant forgetfulness of dreams, I never find my own as exciting or adventurous enough to write about. I REALLY enjoyed this piece. It's very earthy and relatable, but magical and enigmatic. Dreams are such an underrated subject to write about, I think. I mean, how powerful and potent they are, how magnetic and simple-- and yet so many people only fill the subject with mindlessness about brutal romances and folly desires. This isn't just writing, this is humanity, and it is art. I truly loved it.

As for mistakes and what not, as even those who write art may make some, I found very few. There is some pronoun-antecedent agreement issue, but nothing that should be altered. The few "mistakes" are more of an artistic choice, which I find delectable and valuable to this piece.

Overall, brilliant job. The execution is descriptive and relatable, whimsical and thought provoking. Keep writing.

xoxo
Kitty




BadNarrator says...


you know, it's not really about courage. it's about giving yourself permission to write the stories you want to write. I think every great writer has come across a piece of writing in their early days which really spoke to them saying, "don't be afraid, write what you feel." or something like that. give yourself permission, KittyBee. you deserve it.

sorry if that sounded corny, lol.

also, thanks for the feedback. your comments were very thoughtful and encouraging.




It's crazy how your life can be twisted upside down inside out and around and you can get sushi from safeway still looking like a normal person
— starchild314