I Am

The second block (or paragraph) describes me perfectly. You are very talented for one so young. I am not a good poet, but I have read quite a few. This is defiantly one of my faves because I can relate to it so well. Keep on writing and you will be great some day if only in your mind.

~Tribee91

First and foremost, welcome to YWS! Though, I suppose, I may not be the best reviewer for your first one. Nonetheless, I will try to keep myself rather tame. This is one of those moments where I would definitely suggest taking anything I say with a grain of salt.

Anyways, I'm a bit of a focuser. I usually nit-pick at a certain point and let the rest come from others. In this case, there are one or two points I would like to make.

Firstly, there is a clause when it comes to young poets whereas the poem has to not only mean something, but also list out that something in a way that would be most effectual, and in which case they try and be as deliberate as possible. This leads to the research essay poetry, or what I like to call, the grocery list poetry. This is a classic case of the grocery list poetry, where you line everything out in near point from aspect. The 'I am this. I am that. I try this. I try that. I do this. I do that.' sort of aspect which cuts flow, fragments, completely obliterates imagery, metaphor, and every poetic device except for maybe repetition. Nonetheless, it takes the ache out of poetry, which is the one necessary bit to every poem. If this does not ache, it does not constitute poetry.

I will say that this is a good start, mostly because you're trying to be effective, and being effective is good. If one is effective, one is being deliberate, and having a point is extremely important even if that point is not having a point. But stick to it, as you're writing something with meaning. In this case, your point was exposing certain bits of your/your narrator's character, and in which case, that is a fantastic start.

But the grocery list prevails.

All these lines are like mini thesis's. You could take them in so many different directions. Add a little colour through metaphor and simile, or imagery, and you'll start writing poetry. But expressing your desires bluntly as opposed to using fluidity and continuity completely destroys the whole point of writing poetry. I don't want to see who you are by you simply stating it. I was to find it. And while I'm digging for it, I want to feel it, too. I can't feel you through this. I can only skim, and surface level doesn't exactly help me come across a rhyme or reason for how the feelings are supposed to come across.

And poetry, by no means, should be surface level.

Dig deep into these lines. You say you hope to find your dreams, but how desperately? How much would you give for the chance? You worry when someone is hurt, but does the worry cause physical and emotional pain? Does it burn within you like a torch, or is it more like a nagging in the back of your head you can't shake? I don't get any of this information from a grocery list. I can't make the three course dinner you want me to from simple ingredients. After all, I could make chicken soup when you wanted chicken alfredo.

You have a start. Now refine it. Pull from this list what you need, map it out, and have at thee. You have it in you. Now its just a matter of time and practice.

Keep writing, and I'll be here when you need another review.
~Walker