''WOW'' he thought. He could feel his jaw hitting the floor. Time seemed to stop since the moment he laid eyes on her. His legs were pulling him in the direction of this gorgeous girl and he felt like he had no control over them or the fact that he was drooling anymore. He then realized that the girl was walking towards him. surprised he checked himself in the mirror nearby and took a coke in his hand and tried to play it cool. She got close to him. Close enough for him to get the lavender smell and the beauty of her adolescent face.He checked her out in a quick second. Although he had been kind of staring at her for the pat few minutes or was it hours he wasn't sure anymore. He saw the cute blue t shirt with a kitty on it and the faded jeans and flip flops. He then saw her hair;it was a perfect bun. He the realize that she was saying something and felt himself shaking. He tried to figure out what she was saying when her face started to fade and he felt himself shaking more and then he heard it,''You better wake up now if you want breakfast mister''. He opened his eyes to see his mom standing beside his bed and trying to shake him out of bed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh dear...well, that was a pretty hilarious little scene there, doesn't seem like too much is happening and I don't even know if this is quite meant to be a novel here, considering this appears to just be a random scene, but well that title is certainly intriguing so I'm going to try and look at this story through the perspective of that particular title.
Okay, getting right to the beginning here, its a pretty standard of someone attracted to another person with a bit of a cartoonish flair added to it to make it look a tiny bit more exaggerated. On one hand, I'm not sure if that was meant to be funny, or perhaps some form of light foreshadowing to indicate this thing is in fact a dream. At any rate, I do love this little touch there, cause it does make it more fun to read here.
And then of course this ends with another pretty cartoonish looking seen where the girl goes to speak and suddenly its his mom coming there to wake him up. And again I really did like that little scene. This really reads like a fun, short story meant to be a bit funny perhaps, rather than anything to do with a novel though, so if this is somehow meant to be connected to a novel, I'd be a tiny bit worried cause as far as mysteries this doesn't seem to have much in it. Otherwise it was a pretty fun read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Heyo Baala11, Hiraeth here for a review. Since this piece is so short, I'm not sure if I can say much about it. The piece seems largely undeveloped, it's more like the snippet of a short story than an actual novel.
The way you've started this is very abrupt, we're given no background and no clue as to why the protagonist and the girl he is in love with is. We're just told that he's completely in love with this girl he had just seen/met? Yet we're not told the reason why, which makes me hard to empathize with him because I don't have a reason to see why he would like that girl so much.
I would really avoid cliche writing like this, they have been used far too many times to the point where most readers just gloss over them and goes. 'Ok, it's those phases again. Let's move my attention to something different I haven't read before.' I'm sort of iffy on the drooling too, it's a concept that's been popularized by media and it degrades both the male and the female. It objectifies them and simplifies them in my opinion, the male is seen as wanting the female's body and the female is seen as a sexual object.
Where did the coke in his hand come from? The scene with the girl, and I don't mean to offend you just sort of seems pointless to me? Because I don't really know where he is, I don't even know if he's sitting or anything. He's staring at a hot girl, she passes him but before anything happens. He wakes up, and it's the 'it's all a dream'. I'm slightly disappointed with how this ended, it'd be amusing if the girl in his face was a copy of his mum. (But unfortunately we never got to see his mum either).
So I think this story needs a whole lot fleshing out, at the moment it just seems like a very very brief snippet. If you've got any complaints or questions, fire 'em at me.
-Hir
Heya Baala 11!!!!!!
This is Eros here to review your beautiful work!!
Please don't feel bad, but please let me tell you that the story does'nt speak about any mystery. Rather it has a humerous effect. I am in doubt whether it is a novel... It should come under I suggest you to put this wonderful stuff in option of romantic, humorous. Baala, You are a great writer, with a very beautiful wrting skill, I just want you to become a PERFECT writer. And for this reason, I want to bring some small points where you should improve to become a perfect young writer.
" He then realized that the girl was walking towards him.surprised he checked himself in the mirror nearby and took a coke in his hand and tried to play it cool. She got close to him." Capitalize the letter 'S' in surprise. I think it happened in a hurry... It's OK, I did many mistakes in my first few works too.
" He then saw her hair;it was a perfect bun." After the semicolon, please hit a spacebar.
" He saw the cute blue t shirt with a kitty on it and the faded jeans and flip flops." It should be ' T-Shirt'. It makes the reader read your story in a good flow.
Rest, Everything is very beautiful. The style of wriing is easy to understand and it appears as if each word in each sentence of your stuff, has got mouth, and they are actually speaking and interacting with me and narrating me, the entire story. The way you described everything---the shakiness, the gorgeous looks of the girl, the fading away of the girl... I felt as if this is happening just in front of my eyes! Ahh! Its really very awesome! You are really great!! You must keep writing... For we all love to read them. Waiting for some more stuffs to come up!
Very neat twist, I really like it. Good description and just all around a great piece of writing. Keeps the reader on the edge of their seat. Keep writing!