I watched from behind a tree as the sounds of hooves beating against the ground filled the air. A group of three rode into view, each man wore pants that appeared to have been made from deer skin and feathers from a large bird, probably an eagle. The three men rode in a formation, one in the front with the other two bringing up the rear. The lead horseman proudly wore a headdress decorated with black and white feathers that ruffled as he rode. The trailing horsemen wore necklaces also made of black and white feathers but these were much smaller than those worn by the lead horseman.
My heartbeat increased and a smile slowly spread across my face as my eyes followed the three men. These are Indians, I whispered to myself. My Papa had told me tales of the red men who roamed the land on horseback and hunted game with spears and arrows, but this was my first time actually witnessing them. The three Indians began riding west, drawing them towards the Mississippi River and away from me.
I watched for as long as sight would allow me before the Indians began to trail off and disappear over the horizon. I was tempted to follow on foot but the unknown dangers the Indians presented along with the fleeting light of day almost gone, I quickly dismissed that thought and made my way home.
The Voices of my Papa and our neighbor woke me early the next morning. They were whispering of a nearby town that had been raided by a band of Chickasaws the previous day . . .
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello, Happy Review Day... and welcome to YWS!
Your descriptions are simple, yet I was able to imagine the scene easily.
This part is quite small, so this review won't be very big. I think it was an interesting beginning to the story (I mean interesting in a good way), you've got me wondering what the boy's Papa and neighbour were whispering about. I would love it if you could let me know when you write part two because I would like to read it.
I watched for as long as sight would allow me before the Indians began to trail off and disappear over the horizon.
My only nitpick is about this line. You need to reword it, because the boy could still be watching as they disappeared. Instead of saying that they 'began' to disappear, say that they 'did' disappear. So word it something like this: I watched for as long as sight would allow me before the Indians trailed off and disappeared over the horizon.
There you go! I hope this was a helpful review, best of luck with the next chapters.
Hey fallen here to review your awesome work. Now to start off with i liked how the reader knew 100% without a doubt the speaker was the boy, and sounded like a little boy i might add. I also enjoyed the twist at the end where the Indians were raiding the next village down, i wouldn't suspect you would take that route.
Only suggestion i have is maybe try to add more imagery to your story instead of telling us the necklaces where blacks and whites, describe them.
Other than that i enjoyed your story and keep up the great work
Favorite line:
"The Voices of my Papa and our neighbor woke me early the next morning. They were whispering of a nearby town that had been raided by a band of Chickasaws the previous day . . ."
Your correct the speaker is a little boy and thank you I'll add more imagery and detail next time.