Young Writers Society

I was feeling tired today after an exhausting week, and I wasn't going to review anything today. Then I read this story, and I was already thinking about all the wonderful things I could say! Let me get right into it!

General comments:
The narrative is masterfully done. I really felt drawn to the character and the whole story through the voice. It was poetic and beautiful, yet realistic at the same time. Well done!

Specifics:

I rested my delicate right hand on my slightly inflated stomach...
5 months pregnant.
5 months since he had left me.

A gush of warmth washed over my body and the small infant inside of my abdomen thrashed subtly. But even that rush of warmth and joy was tuned out by the sorrow that was filling me. The skirt of my red and white floral print dress blew behind me along with my hair that touched my lower back.

He smiled, his face so close to mine that I swear he could hear my heart pounding inside of my ears. He kisses one of my freckled cheeks and I smile also. His skin is warm against my pale cold skin. It feels rough, not soft and pudgy like most boys. We sat under the old oak tree at the edge of the large field, the last hours of sunlight shining down on us.
His fingers played with the tips of my curly hair. I ran my hand through his ebony head of hair and giggled. I felt so light and feathery, sitting here next to him in the browning grass with the autumn colored leaves casting tinted dapples of light onto us.
“I love you.” He whispered, still smiling like a fool who had just won the lottery.
“I love you too.” I murmured back, my thick Irish accent coating each word that slipped form my lips like a heavy wool blanket.

“Why did you leave me?” I whispered to no one, my hand still on my tummy.
I was so afraid. What if no one took me and my soon to be born baby in? Would we become homeless? Not only had I lost Dylan, but I had also lost my parents. They seceded me when I had gotten impregnated. As soon as they realized that I was puking a lot in the early hours of dawn, I was getting a tummy, which was a shocker because I was so thin, and that I became weaker, then kicked me out. At least they gave me my dresses so I would not freeze to death during the long chilly nights.

My voice cracked and tears pooled in my lower eyelids, but I refused to blink and let them run down my freckled face. I looked up and let the sun warm my face, another fall breeze rushing past me. I thought he cared about me. But when I told him I was pregnant, that next morning he just left.
No apology note, no explanation, he just up and left me. I can’t believe I was so naive to think that some gorgeous guy like him could possibly love me. He was just lying to get into my pants. Well, more like my dress since I never wore pants, but same thing. My heart squeezed tightly and I felt sick to my stomach.

This story is so detailed, and has a good voice from the main character. It did have some grammar errors, but they can be easily fixed. I liked how you explained the setting and how the main character felt. I liked everything about the story, except the grammar errors. I think this is a great story, by the way!

Hello there!

Nitpicks:

I stood in the empty field, looking out to the sun setting over the horizon. The red blazing ball of gas was bleeding into the sky. As if it had gotten cut in the ocean and blood was mixing with the roiling salt water and the moon is peaking out the other side of the sky, watching it die. It probably cut the sun and made it bleed. The sun was actually yellow, but to my partially colorblind eyes, it was red and the sky was a hue-y green color. I rested my delicate right hand on my slightly inflated stomach...

I felt a kick in my stomach, but did nothing.

Memories flooded my mind, like a tsunami breaking down stone walls made to help protect a tiny coastal town on an island.

...along with my hair that touched my lower back.

I opened my bright green eyes and skimmed the field again, resting on a little violet flower.

...when I knew how it felt to love. How it felt to be loved.

...he could hear my heart pounding inside of my ears.

His skin is warm against my pale cold skin.

I felt so light and feathery, sitting here next to him...

“I love you.” He whispered, still smiling like a fool who had just won the lottery.

“I love you too.” I murmured back, my thick Irish accent coating each word that slipped form my lips like a heavy wool blanket.

He laughed and nuzzled his nose against mine ever so gently, as if I were a priceless glass figurine in his large firm hands.

Our empty picnic basket rested on the other side of me.

It was very retro, but modern and cute at the same time.

His big brown eyes swept over my red dress. The top part was a tight corset, and then at my hips, it began to feather out. It was very retro, but modern and cute at the same time. He pulled me into his strong arms, and my body melted against his.

What if no one took me and my soon to be born baby in?

Would we become homeless?

They seceded me when I had gotten impregnated.

...so I would not freeze to death during the long chilly nights.

Btu sadly, it does not work that way.

But when I told him I was pregnant, that next morning he just left.

...he just up and left me.

I can’t believe I was so naive to think that some gorgeous guy like him could possibly love me.

Well, more like my dress since I never wore pants, but same thing.

My heart squeezed tightly and I felt sick to my stomach.

There was a change in light and a gray cloud blocked the sun… In a matter of seconds, it began to pour.

I really enjoyed reading this story. The emotion was very strong at the end, and it was easy to sympathize with her. The story is cliche, and I personally hate cliches, but surprisingly it didn't bother me. So good work with that, but maybe you could still find a way to make it a little more unique. Also, one thing about the story that confused me was the fact that she has been pregnant for 5 months and her parents kicked her out when they found out, yet she doesn't mention about living anywhere. Was she just recently kicked out? Is she living with a friend? I think you should specify, because otherwise it would be very difficult for a pregnant teen (I'm assuming she is a teenager) to be living on her own. It didn't really make sense to me, not to mention that no matter what I did, my parents would never compeletly abandon me.

Anyways, I also think that you had some brillant imagery in this piece. It was beautiful and very easy to see what was going on. The beginning was exceptional:

I stood in the empty field, looking out to the sun setting over the horizon. The red blazing ball of gas was bleeding into the sky. #FF0000 ">As if it had gotten cut in the ocean and blood was mixing with the roiling salt water and the moon is peaking out the other side of the sky, watching it die. It probably cut the sun and made it bleed.

He #FF0000 ">smiled, his face so close to mine that I swear he could hear my heart pounding inside of my ears. He #FF0000 ">kisses one of my freckled cheeks and I smile also. His skin is warm against my pale cold skin. It feels rough, not soft and pudgy like most boys. We #FF0000 ">sat under the old oak tree at the edge of the large field, the last hours of sunlight shining down on us.

#FF0000 ">Btu (But) sadly, it does not work that way.

Hello there Rainbow!

You have a good voice coming from your main character. The pacing is good but there are just some grammatical errors that tend to distract the flow. And of course, I adore the way you have written your introductory line. The way you contrast nature to her pregnancy and guilt. Although you have a good imagery, it seems that it almost overshadows the atmosphere your main character is building. You want us to sympathize the woman, feel her pain and rejection, but the metaphors present here makes the emotion less trivial. Also, this story is a bit cliche' since we seldom see this in movies or television. So I suggest that you put this a bit of a twist.

Grammar wise, try rereading this story and see if you stumble upon on something. I have witnessed some misspellings and misplaced punctuations. Speaking about your prose, I would like to see more of your usage of nouns and verbs rather than adjectives and adverbs. I have noticed that you tend to add up adjectives for every noun. Like for example, the eyes, the hair and all. Try to show more and less on telling.

Overall, this has potential but I know you have much more up to your sleeve than what you're offering right here, Rainbow. This review is based entirely on my opinions, so please let me know if you have any questions or clarifications.

Peace out,
Yuri