Hello! I am here to leave a review for this flash fiction.
First Impression
You started out this piece nicely with a metaphor of a chrysanthemum, grabbing the reader’s attention. From what I understand this is a story about a man who helps his friend write poetry who then marries his neighbor maybe?
Areas of Improvement
Nothing is perfect, and there is always something you can improve in your writing. But please remember these are merely my thoughts about your work, not a permanent judgement or anything.
I noticed that the story and plot was kind of unclear, at least for me. Suddenly the main character started advocating for widows remarrying, for a reason that was not really clarified. Then suddenly Arnav wanted to marry either the widow or his sister-in-law? I am not really sure because it was a little confusing on my end. There were two paragraphs that seemed to be from different stories entirely, or like the second paragraph forgot the first one existed. These are the paragraphs:
Finally, considering the hard pain of the brother, the proposal for marriage with the sister-in-law was made after a long conversation. The direct acquaintance with the subject of poetry, along with the poet, has led to much discussion about poetry relationships. The discussion was not only limited to published poems.
Recently, convinced by my arguments, he has proposed marriage with that widow. Initially, there was no agreement at all. He then applied all his reasoning and shed a few tears in her eyes, completely convincing her. Now the widow's guardian wants some money.
The storytelling could be clearer in terms of the plot and what is happening.
Another thing I noticed was that there were characters you didn’t really introduce like the sister-in-law and the brother. They sort of just appeared in the story and we didn’t meet them or were given any context or information about them. Maybe you forgot to give them some context, or maybe didn’t think it was necessary, I’m not sure. I think you could introduce them a little more though.
I also saw that throughout the piece, you referred to Arnav using “he”. It might be helpful for the reader to follow along with the story of you used his name rather that his pronoun for the whole story, just as a reminder as to who you are talking about.
Stuff I Liked
I thought you beautifully wrote the metaphors in this piece, like how you started off by saying that the main character's neighbor was like a chrysanthemum, it is a very unique metaphor and not cliche or oversused, which is good. You used a lot of fresh and creative figurative language that I really enjoyed reading. And I love this question:
If a person starving in a famine expresses disgust towards a hearty meal, yearning for the scent of flowers and the song of birds to fill their emaciated belly, how would they be perceived?
It is very intriguing to think about and worth discussing. I also like how you presented it and wrote it, in a very descriptive way.
I also like how you portrayed poetry in this piece, kind of like a sort of therapeutic escape or a beautiful concept. It was nice to read a piece that has this perspective, because you often don't see it. It was also interesting that the main character did not write poetry even though he needed to, but he helped his friend write his poetry instead, and in doing so, he practiced writing poetry.
Lastly, you had some nice character development in this piece. There was nice development of Arnav's character and who he was, especially since he decided to write poetry and also based on the choices he made. There was also development of character for the narrator, and I thought his perspective was interesting to read and learn more about him throughout the story.
Conclusion
Overall, this was a very enjoyable read filled with beautiful figurative language and an interesting concept and plot idea. Though the storytelling could be a little clearer, the metaphors were expertly crafted and written and made a great tale. I hope you will continue to write more stories like this.
Points: 17664
Reviews: 125
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