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❤️ Whispers of Unspoken Longing 💚

by BVedha


Preface

This flash fiction draws inspiration from the initial chapters of the romance novella "Destination Love: From the Hills". 

Destination Love: From the Hills

Without further ado, let's delve into the tale.

** Beginning **

My next-door neighbor is a widow.

She's like a fallen chrysanthemum, not meant for a life of ease but rather for religious observances. I admired her quietly, never daring to share my feelings with anyone, not even with myself.

My closest friend, Arnav, remained oblivious to this. I had concealed this profound emotion, cherishing its purity. In doing so, I felt a sense of pride.

But the turmoil within me refused to stay contained like a river's source. I sought an outlet, fearing that failure would create a whirlpool of pain within me.

So, I considered expressing myself through poetry. However, my pen hesitated to take the lead.

What's surprising is that just then, my friend Arnav suddenly began writing poetry at a remarkable pace, as if motivated by an earthquake.

The unfortunate man had never encountered such a situation before, so he was unprepared for this unexpected upheaval. He had no grasp of rhyme, yet I was amazed to see him dive right in.

Poetry, like a second wife in old age, had captured his imagination.

He became my refuge for guidance and refinement. The themes of his poetry were not ground breaking, yet neither were they outdated. Essentially, they could be described as both timeless and ever-fresh. Love poetry, directed towards a beloved.

I teased him playfully, asking, "Who are you, really?"

He chuckled and replied, "I'm still searching."

Assisting him with his writing brought me great solace. I allowed my suppressed feelings for his fictional beloved to find expression through his verses.

Like a brooding hen nurturing its eggs, I poured all my heart's turmoil onto the paper. I had to revise the texts at such a rapid pace that nearly fifteen pages were entirely my own work.

He, taken aback, remarked, "This is your writing. Let your name grace it."

I replied, "Certainly. This is your writing; I've simply made a few adjustments."

Over time, he came to share the same perspective.

Just as an astronomer eagerly awaits the rising of the stars, I often found myself gazing towards the direction of our neighboring house, occasionally catching a glimpse. The devotee's eager gaze sometimes proved significant.

The serene face of the celibate engaged in meditation, reflected in the gentle glow, calmed my restless mind instantly.

But what I witnessed that day startled me.

Was there still a burning passion in my neighbor's heart?

Had the intense fiery glow in that vacant cave of solitude not yet completely subsided?

That day, in the afternoon of the Spring season, dense clouds began to gather in the northeastern corner. Standing alone by the window of my neighbor's apartment, I witnessed a profound sense of sorrow emanating from the intense, tumultuous light of the storm.

Yes, my neighbor still exuded warmth!

A heartfelt longing emanated from her eyes, in the light of that stormy day, soaring like an agitated bird. Not towards heaven, but towards the depths of the human heart.

After witnessing that eager, fiery gaze, I found it impossible to calm my restless mind. At that moment, I resolved to dedicate all my efforts to promoting widow remarriage. Not only in speech and writing, but also in providing financial assistance.

Arnav began to argue with me; he said, "Within eternal widowhood lies a sacred peace, a vast beauty like the fading moonlight; can the mere possibility of marriage break that?"

Listening to all his poetry, I was enraged. If a person starving in a famine expresses disgust towards a hearty meal, yearning for the scent of flowers and the song of birds to fill their emaciated belly, how would they be perceived?

I angrily said, "Look, Arnav, artists say there's a beauty in a dilapidated house as a scene. But merely seeing it as a picture won't do; you have to live in it, so whatever artists say, renovation is necessary. Taking the widowhood, you want to indulge in divine poetry from afar, but within it lies a longing human heart experiencing your unique pain, and it's your duty to remember that."

I thought I could never convince him, so that day I had added some extra warmth to my words. But suddenly, to my surprise, he took a deep breath and accepted all my words; he didn't give me any more opportunities to say more good things.

A week later, he came and said, "If you help, I'm ready to arrange a widow remarriage."

I was overjoyed— I hugged him tightly and said, "I'll provide whatever money is needed." Then he told his story.

I understood that his beloved is not imaginary. For some time, he has been loving a widow from afar, without expressing it to anyone.

The monthly letters sent under his name reached their destination correctly. The poems did not fail. This was one way my friend found to attract attention without an interview.

But he said he had not yet been able to turn all these maneuvers. Moreover, he believed that widows did not know how to read. Under the name of a widow's brother, he sent papers without signatures or prices. It was just a madness to comfort the mind. I thought a bouquet was offered to the gods, whether they knew it or not, whether they accepted it or not.

In various ways, he, along with the widow's brother, formed a friendship, he said, there was no intention even there. The sweetness of the near relatives of those who are loved is felt.

Finally, considering the hard pain of the brother, the proposal for marriage with the sister-in-law was made after a long conversation. The direct acquaintance with the subject of poetry, along with the poet, has led to much discussion about poetry relationships. The discussion was not only limited to published poems.

Recently, convinced by my arguments, he has proposed marriage with that widow. Initially, there was no agreement at all. He then applied all his reasoning and shed a few tears in her eyes, completely convincing her. Now the widow's guardian wants some money.

I said, 'Take it now.'

He said, 'Besides that, after marriage, for the first month, my father will definitely stop my monthly allowance, so we have to manage the expenses of both.'

I didn't say a word but wrote a check. I said, 'Tell me her name now.”

He said, ‘She is extremely reluctant to discuss her widow marriage. Therefore, she strictly forbade talking about her to you. But now that's no longer a lie. She is your neighbor; she lives in house No.17.'

If the heart's anguish were a molten iron boiler, it would have burst into flames with a single spark. I asked, 'Doesn't she like the idea of a widow marriage?'

He laughed and said, 'Not at the moment.'

I said, 'Is she just enchanted by reading poetry?'

He said, 'Why, my poems don't seem bad.'

I said to myself, 'Damn.'

Damn whom? Myself, him or fate? But damn.


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Sat Jun 22, 2024 9:04 pm
LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hello! I am here to leave a review for this flash fiction.

First Impression

You started out this piece nicely with a metaphor of a chrysanthemum, grabbing the reader’s attention. From what I understand this is a story about a man who helps his friend write poetry who then marries his neighbor maybe?

Areas of Improvement

Nothing is perfect, and there is always something you can improve in your writing. But please remember these are merely my thoughts about your work, not a permanent judgement or anything.

I noticed that the story and plot was kind of unclear, at least for me. Suddenly the main character started advocating for widows remarrying, for a reason that was not really clarified. Then suddenly Arnav wanted to marry either the widow or his sister-in-law? I am not really sure because it was a little confusing on my end. There were two paragraphs that seemed to be from different stories entirely, or like the second paragraph forgot the first one existed. These are the paragraphs:

Finally, considering the hard pain of the brother, the proposal for marriage with the sister-in-law was made after a long conversation. The direct acquaintance with the subject of poetry, along with the poet, has led to much discussion about poetry relationships. The discussion was not only limited to published poems.

Recently, convinced by my arguments, he has proposed marriage with that widow. Initially, there was no agreement at all. He then applied all his reasoning and shed a few tears in her eyes, completely convincing her. Now the widow's guardian wants some money.

The storytelling could be clearer in terms of the plot and what is happening.
Another thing I noticed was that there were characters you didn’t really introduce like the sister-in-law and the brother. They sort of just appeared in the story and we didn’t meet them or were given any context or information about them. Maybe you forgot to give them some context, or maybe didn’t think it was necessary, I’m not sure. I think you could introduce them a little more though.
I also saw that throughout the piece, you referred to Arnav using “he”. It might be helpful for the reader to follow along with the story of you used his name rather that his pronoun for the whole story, just as a reminder as to who you are talking about.

Stuff I Liked
I thought you beautifully wrote the metaphors in this piece, like how you started off by saying that the main character's neighbor was like a chrysanthemum, it is a very unique metaphor and not cliche or oversused, which is good. You used a lot of fresh and creative figurative language that I really enjoyed reading. And I love this question:
If a person starving in a famine expresses disgust towards a hearty meal, yearning for the scent of flowers and the song of birds to fill their emaciated belly, how would they be perceived?

It is very intriguing to think about and worth discussing. I also like how you presented it and wrote it, in a very descriptive way.
I also like how you portrayed poetry in this piece, kind of like a sort of therapeutic escape or a beautiful concept. It was nice to read a piece that has this perspective, because you often don't see it. It was also interesting that the main character did not write poetry even though he needed to, but he helped his friend write his poetry instead, and in doing so, he practiced writing poetry.
Lastly, you had some nice character development in this piece. There was nice development of Arnav's character and who he was, especially since he decided to write poetry and also based on the choices he made. There was also development of character for the narrator, and I thought his perspective was interesting to read and learn more about him throughout the story.

Conclusion
Overall, this was a very enjoyable read filled with beautiful figurative language and an interesting concept and plot idea. Though the storytelling could be a little clearer, the metaphors were expertly crafted and written and made a great tale. I hope you will continue to write more stories like this.
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Sat Jun 22, 2024 2:38 pm
redcarnation wrote a review...



Hello!! This was a really good story, especially that twist at the end. I love how poetically you describe it all. My favourite part is how the love inspires him to change how things have always been in his society, and how much he’s willing to give for it. The irony is that he writes all the poetry that the widow loves which makes him lose her because she thinks his friend wrote it.
My only suggestion is you add some bits about how the main character feels about his friend being in love with a widow too, and how he feels happy because he’s not alone anymore. Because without that, it gets a bit confusing that he didn’t get suspicious about his friend.
Overall, I enjoyed the story.

If the heart's anguish were a molten iron boiler, it would have burst into flames with a single spark.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story!!




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Mon Jun 17, 2024 2:40 pm
NoOneInParticular wrote a review...



Heyo! Horizon/NoOne here to leave a short review!

First Impressions + What I Liked

From what I can tell, this is a lovely little story on how a man wooed the one he loved through poetry. The language was very descriptive and easy to follow. I liked the various metaphors and imagery littered throughout the story, like

But the turmoil within me refused to stay contained like a river's source. I sought an outlet, fearing that failure would create a whirlpool of pain within me.

Like a brooding hen nurturing its eggs, I poured all my heart's turmoil onto the paper.

Was there still a burning passion in my neighbor's heart?

Had the intense fiery glow in that vacant cave of solitude not yet completely subsided?

If a person starving in a famine expresses disgust towards a hearty meal, yearning for the scent of flowers and the song of birds to fill their emaciated belly,


which all vividly illustrate the story in my mind, and makes characters feel lively. They’re all pretty unique too! Istead of just saying something “hot thing was as hot as thing known to be very hot”, you take it one step further and go all in with the comparison.

Areas for Improvement

Your story was confusing at certain parts, and didn’t really flow that well. It kind of feels like the words you were using weren’t really used correctly, or a few steps in logic were skipped there. Foe example,

I had to revise the texts at such a rapid pace that nearly fifteen pages were entirely my own work.


I understand the meaning you’re trying to convey, but what confuses me is why the speaker is revising Arnav’s work. It doesn’t really make sense to me, as no reason is really given beforehand which just feels sudden and really weird.

He, taken aback, remarked, "This is your writing. Let your name grace it."

I replied, "Certainly. This is your writing; I've simply made a few adjustments."


The dialogue here feels off. Arnav starts with a request to for the speaker to put their name on the work, but the speaker just kind of ignores the request completely and jumps straight to “this is your writing?” It could be viewed as a counter to Arnav’s point, but a “certainly” doesn’t feel very natural here.

One more thing. What is a “widow marriage”? The term feels a bit weird overall. A widow is a woman whose spouse is no longer alive, but here it doesn’t seem to have that meaning. Perhaps “single or unmarried” might work better in this context?

Overall Thoughts

A charming story about a how a romance was sparked by poerty. Some parts were a bit confusing, but it’s a lovely story overall. My apologies if I sounded too harsh/rude in this review.

Keep writing, and remember to take breaks when needed. Have a nice day/night/ sunset or sunrise so you’re not sure?

I’ll stop now.

Cheers,
Horizon





I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor