z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Bullies

by BEWriter


Sam Phentin hurries down the hallway trying to act as casual as possible, not wanting to draw his parent’s attention as his phone blows up with rings. Walking into his room swiftly, then quickly shutting the door he puts his phone on silent and jumps onto his bed with a book.

Opening the escape from the world Sam lives in, he engages in the story that has saved in from so many hard days, Sam’s favorite book of all time.

Believe it or not, but he doesn’t even know the title. There was originally one of those covers that folded into the book, and the hard binding doesn’t have a title, or an author’s name. Though Sam doesn’t need those things. He has the plot, and that is all that is important.

***

The book is about a little girl named Amanda. She is a foster child, her foster parents are only in it for the money, and she doesn’t have many friends, always getting picked on by school mates. Amanda is alone.

Most of Amanda’s days consist of her crying in the attic where she sleeps. Weeping of the nightmare she lives in during the day. She did that quite often, that and imagine a different life. A happy one. She records her dreams in single journal. The journal that has her dreamed life, is her whole life.

This was how she lived, until one day she was done with moping around and decided to get her life started.

Amanda ended up writing a book. One about her real life compared to her dreamed one. She won a Newbery Award, and changed the lives of many people. She was an example to others and encouraged them to follow their goals and hopes.

Sam thought of himself. Sam thought of Amanda. This is the book that always kept him going. Even if it is fictional.

He closes the book and thinks if he will ever be capable of changing his life. But then his phone vibrates, he knows what it says. He knows that nobody else thinks he is capable of doing anything with his life. Is it true?

***

Sam walks into his classroom, going to his desk without saying hello to anyone, without even looking up from the ground. He hates school. Sam may be able to avoid the horrid text messages he gets at home, but there is no way he could escape the voices at school. Unless he somehow manages to convince his mother into home school. Although there is no way Sam could do that without telling people what is going on with him and the other students.

He opens his English book that was laying on his desk. On the first page is the list of owners. About five lines down in Sam’s handwriting reads, “Sam Phentin” but then in someone else’s writing it says, “will never achieve anything.”

Looking away he skips the page to their assignment and begins working, trying not to think about the words he just read. Not that they are new.

***

In Sam’s next class there is a new girl. He was deep in thought, he didn’t catch her name. Though she was pretty and wearing sweats. It isn’t the general clothes that girls at my school wear, and he truly hopes that she isn’t going to experiencing the same troubles as he.

After the final bell rings Sam slumps out the front door of the school as he does after every long day.

Walking towards the crosswalk, Sam accidently bumps into a classmate. “Sorry,” Sam says under his breath.

“Did you that you guys?” the boy asked.

Another boy answered, “I didn’t hear anything.”

“Oh. I thought I heard failure.”

Sam started walking away from the group of loud, annoying laughter. For the first time in awhile he started tearing up. He had thought that he was dry out of tears. Guess not.

Wiping them away he passes a bunch of people, leering over at him. This happens a lot, he has learned to live with it.

***

The next day Sam is called into the principal’s office. He has no idea why. He hasn’t caused any trouble, his grades are great. But even though he hasn’t done anything he still gets those nervous butterflies in his stomach.

Walking into the office, Principal Murry is sitting at his desk, and across from him sits a girl. “Please, sit down.”

Getting a closer look Sam sees that the girl is the new student in one of his classes.

“So I called you in here, because this young lady says you have been being picked on by your peers. Is this true?”

For a moment, Sam gets more nervous than ever. How would she know? She’s new. But then realizes that this could really help him. He might get his problem solved.

“Yes, it is true,” Sam replied steadily.

“That is what I was afraid of.” Principal Murry has always hated bullies. Even if they are his own students. He has wanted to be the person who has stepped in to help that person since middle school. “How long has this been going on? Tell me all about it.”

Sam starts his story, the one he has struggled with for so long. “Well it started in the beginning of sixth grade. I never got any of the answers correct when the teachers called on me. Sometimes I’d guess, or I would say ‘I don’t know.’ I thought nothing of it. Lots of people got the wrong answers.

“One day I was walking home from school when I heard someone call out, ‘Hey, Stupid.’ I didn’t know who he was talking to, so I continued walking. ‘It isn’t kind to ignore people, Know-Nothing Phentin.’ That’s when I realized he was talking to me.

“It continued, more people joining in on the constant ‘joke.’ It was more than a joke to me. It pushed me to try harder. I got good grades, I’m a straight A student now. They never stop. Now they have started texting me too. I try to ignore them, but it gets hard when you know exactly what they say.

“Now I have just learned to live with it. It is part of my life, worst of all I even started believing that it was true. That I couldn’t do anything. That is what practically all the boys have done, without any adult ever finding out.”

He huffed out a single breath. Sam has never told anyone this story. Now he has just told the principal and some girl he doesn’t even know.

“Well I am very sorry about this. You should’ve told someone. Just let me assure you that you are a bright young man, Samuel Phentin. And I am honored to have you in my school. Now, will you tell me exactly who has been saying these things?”

Naming off the cruel people one by one, Sam feels like a weight is being lifted off his back each time he says a name. Finally he has finished and is excused.

Walking out into the hall, he turns around quickly towards the girl who saved his happiness. “I’m so grateful. Nobody has ever helped me the way you have. How did you know?” Sam asks, so blissful that he could even go hug the jerks who had made him so sad.

“Well I overheard the comments those boys were saying, then I saw you crying. I thought it would be a good thing to do is go tell someone. I didn’t really want the principal to bring me in with you, but I’m glad he did.” The thing she has done for Sam was a superhero act. Sam never would have done anything himself, and I knew that she came to this school for a reason.

“I thank you again,” Sam says. “Oh. And what was your name?”

“My name’s Amanda. And don’t mention it. I hate bullies.”


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Tue Sep 29, 2015 4:15 pm
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SinisterPotatoe wrote a review...



I think that is this is a great short story. Bullying is a big problem, and it wasn't that long ago that I have been bullied too. In fact it I got really depressed and stopped going to school from it for a time. A big problem like this needs solving, but it also needs people that are willing to write about it. This is because people need to understand bullying, and how wrong it is. And you decided to write about it. This obviously isn't the first I've seen of writing about bullying, but there is never enough of this writing, because this is a big problem. So thank you for writing it. I enjoyed your story a lot, and I'm happy that it ended well. Maybe there is hope for Sam yet.




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Tue Sep 29, 2015 2:27 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



Bullying is definitely an interesting, yet touchy and tough subject that has a lot of exploration room when it comes to writing about the issue. I look forward to seeing what unique perspective you can offer to the area.

Sam Phentin hurries down the hallway trying to act as casual as possible, not wanting to draw his parent’s attention as his phone blows up with rings. Walking into his room swiftly, then quickly shutting the door he puts his phone on silent and jumps onto his bed with a book.


So this boy is at home, going into his room and reading. The early question here is just who is calling Sam. Judging by the premise of this book, my interpretation wouldn't be that the main character has a ton of friends trying to check on how he's doing. Judging by how he ignores the numbers and doesn't want his parents to know hes being called, I'd suspect the phone calls are unwanted.

Nothing to critique about the opening, it's a lot of information concisely packed. We learn the main character's name, and a reiteration of what the description told us about him. Not the most intriguing or gripping start to a story ever, but it suffices and is well written enough.

Opening the escape from the world Sam lives in, he engages in the story that has saved in from so many hard days, Sam’s favorite book of all time.


I like that metaphor. So once again, this book is his way out from a tough life where he's constantly bullied. Now that I think about it, I figure that he doesn't care about the phone ringing because he'd rather read than be social. At this point, I'd expect either more details onto what this book pertains to, or more on how it helps him escape. Again, stylistically, nothing really to critique - its very straightforward without much cause for any emotion.

Believe it or not, but he doesn’t even know the title. There was originally one of those covers that folded into the book, and the hard binding doesn’t have a title, or an author’s name. Though Sam doesn’t need those things. He has the plot, and that is all that is important.


Now that's actually pretty interesting. He doesn't care about what the book is called, just about what's in it. Did you consider leaving the title of this story blank by any chance?

"There was originally one of those covers that folded into the book"

This detail really is unnecessary. All we need to know is that the hard binding doesn't have a title or author's name, and don't forget about the front page that restates the author and title.

The book is about a little girl named Amanda. She is a foster child, her foster parents are only in it for the money, and she doesn’t have many friends, always getting picked on by school mates. Amanda is alone.


Neat, so we get to know more about what this book is about. So, the boy who is bullied likes this book about a girl that is also bullied. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is "her foster parents are only in it for the money." Do you mean getting tax exemptions for having kids? Because otherwise, I'd see adopting a foster child as a big drain on money than anything else.

Most of Amanda’s days consist of her crying in the attic where she sleeps. Weeping of the nightmare she lives in during the day. She did that quite often, that and imagine a different life. A happy one. She records her dreams in single journal. The journal that has her dreamed life, is her whole life.

You said before "she doesn't have many friends," implying that she has a couple. So now I'm wondering where they're at during this.

Your attempt to garner sympathy for Amanda is quite unnatural. I'd rather you told the reader why she cried herself to sleep at night. The sudden sight of this girl crying herself to sleep in an attic is a bit disturbing, but it lacks the emotion it needed.

So now we get into some sort of dream journal, alright.

This was how she lived, until one day she was done with moping around and decided to get her life started.

Amanda ended up writing a book. One about her real life compared to her dreamed one. She won a Newbery Award, and changed the lives of many people. She was an example to others and encouraged them to follow their goals and hopes.

Sam thought of himself. Sam thought of Amanda. This is the book that always kept him going. Even if it is fictional.

He closes the book and thinks if he will ever be capable of changing his life. But then his phone vibrates, he knows what it says. He knows that nobody else thinks he is capable of doing anything with his life. Is it true?


So, Amanda rises above bullying to write a book and become the inspiration others don't want her to become. Now Sam is imagining if he can do the same. It's not the most original idea, but it's quite a touching one each time. At this point, I want to keep reading to see if he does the same thing Amanda was able to do.

Sam walks into his classroom, going to his desk without saying hello to anyone, without even looking up from the ground. He hates school. Sam may be able to avoid the horrid text messages he gets at home, but there is no way he could escape the voices at school. Unless he somehow manages to convince his mother into home school. Although there is no way Sam could do that without telling people what is going on with him and the other students.


I think this is a much better attempt at garnering sympathy for a character. It's an excellent portrayal of being victimized and feeling completely helpless. Confirming that the bullying doesn't just stop at home is an excellent idea to make the reader sympathize with Sam. It's very sad and I really hope things turn out better for him.

He opens his English book that was laying on his desk. On the first page is the list of owners. About five lines down in Sam’s handwriting reads, “Sam Phentin” but then in someone else’s writing it says, “will never achieve anything.”

Looking away he skips the page to their assignment and begins working, trying not to think about the words he just read. Not that they are new.


This is the kind of bullying that crosses the line from cartoonish, playful to cruel, malicious and downright terrible. Besides igniting a bit of anger for the reader, this also re-iterates the earlier idea that nobody believes in this character. This part is extremely well placed, good job.

In Sam’s next class there is a new girl. He was deep in thought, he didn’t catch her name. Though she was pretty and wearing sweats. It isn’t the general clothes that girls at my school wear, and he truly hopes that she isn’t going to experiencing the same troubles as he.


Wait, what? MY school? So is the narrator a student at this school or is that just a mistake x_x The last sentence is very awkwardly written.

Naming off the cruel people one by one, Sam feels like a weight is being lifted off his back each time he says a name. Finally he has finished and is excused.

Walking out into the hall, he turns around quickly towards the girl who saved his happiness. “I’m so grateful. Nobody has ever helped me the way you have. How did you know?” Sam asks, so blissful that he could even go hug the jerks who had made him so sad.

“Well I overheard the comments those boys were saying, then I saw you crying. I thought it would be a good thing to do is go tell someone. I didn’t really want the principal to bring me in with you, but I’m glad he did.” The thing she has done for Sam was a superhero act. Sam never would have done anything himself, and I knew that she came to this school for a reason.

“I thank you again,” Sam says. “Oh. And what was your name?”

“My name’s Amanda. And don’t mention it. I hate bullies.”


Talk about a strange coincidence x_x

This is a very good story. The portrayal of cruel bullying to make Sam sympathetic is very well done. With the basic foundation for a story you laid out, there were a ton of different directions you could have gone in. Amanda showing up and going to the principal was one way, but you also could have had her convince Sam to stand up for himself, something he was afraid to do the whole story and never got to do. You also could have had a time skip, showing an older Sam proving his bullies wrong by becoming a famous author. Like I can imagine a final scene where Sam's old bullies pick up a book, and their faces are filled with shock when they see he's the author x_x

Overall, this is a really touching story with a strong message, although I wish the ending incorporated more of the theme of becoming more than bullies say you can become. I thought otherwise, it fell flat. Regardless, I enjoyed reading it. Hope to see you write more x_x




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Tue Sep 29, 2015 5:20 am
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey, BEWriter!

Red Alert: I sometimes get a bit blunt in my reviews. I don't mean it to be taken personally, I'm just trying to be helpful. It's usually because I want to push you to be your best. Kinda like that gym teacher who always wanted you to do tend more push-ups, because he knew you could, even if you thought you couldn't.
I also apologize for any typos, it's 1:00 am and I'm on an Ipod.


#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> Ok, so is this the most original story? Well, not really. Bullying is a topic that's often talked about and written about, and it's very seldom done well. BUT, you've managed to make it not as boring as some may be. I don't necessarily feel like I'm reading the same exact story with just different word.
What makes this one unique? The idea of Sam's favorite book. That's a interesting idea to add to a bullying story.
Overall? This isn't the most original story ever, but it has potential. I'm not sure if you can this and make it completely unique, but honestly who can with the overdone topic that is bully stories. But it's something you can learn from. When you're writin in the future you can look back on this and make sure to not make the same "mistakes"(they isn't really any true mistakes in this, but you get what I'm saying) and you can look at the good things and improve even further on them. You are a really good writer, you just may not have picked the best subject for a story.
Lastly I just wanted to say that if you wrote this story because you personally have been bullied, then it's okay that it may be a tad cliche. Because if it helped you to vent or feel better while writing it, that's what matters. :)


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> You did a pretty good job with your characters, so I don't really have much to say. Great Job!


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> Lets take a minute to talk about the title of this. It's ok, but it could be better. It grabbed my attention, but maybe not for the best reason. I don't have any suggestions on a new title, unfortunately. And this honesty is your choice, and if you like the title then by all means keep it. :)


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 "> There are a few tiny little things, like a sentence that felt like it was missing a word here and there, but nothing really worth pointing out. :)


Have a great day!

~Myth




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Tue Sep 29, 2015 4:13 am
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Guess who got really emotional reading this? Me.
I'm used to the kind of bullying that happens to Sam. Except that the bullying comes from me... So I guess it's kinda different.

Anwyay. Onto stuff!

Stuff

Spoiler! :
“Did you that you guys?”


I think you forgot the word "hear" in there.

and I knew that she came to this school for a reason.


Ehm, this is in the first person. Not third person like the rest of the story.


Plot/Meaning
Spoiler! :
So this is obviously about bullying and... uh, not being just a bystander and actually doing something about a problem. But I think everyone experiences this kind of bullying at some point in their lives. Whether it's from other people or themselves. Unless you're a really egotistical person, but that's not an ideal trait to have.
I'm not going to go way into this since it's going to go completely off topic.

I didn't really think much of the girl's name at the end, though. I just brushed it off as a coincidence. Though, the reason she stood up for him (kinda) might've been because she's experienced this kind of bullying before and doesn't want him to suffer any more than he already has, which kinda relates to the book that Sam reads.



Um, yeah. There's not much I can say about this. That's about it. Like I said, I got really emotional (kinda) when I read this, but we're not going to go into that. So anyway, um.

Bye!





Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White