Hi BEASTtheHUN,
Mailice here with a short review!
"Here are your winnings," Heinz said, handing Rolin a hefty bag of coins, "Take them and go home, get your rest, your going to need it. Rolin grabbed the bag and looked down the road. Home meant going home to a half-empty house. Home meant going home to bad memories and forgotten echoes. Rolin turned and started down the dirt path towards home.
You've written a good introduction here, but it needs polishing in places. "Take them and go home ,get our rest, your going to need it." The inverted comma is missing. You could have gone into the next lines there, as it makes it seem like Heinz is still saying that to Rolin.
Then to the sentence "Home meant going home ...": here you can reword the sentence a little so that the going home is not used, by writing it like this: Home meant a half-empty house. It's a short sentence, but has enough in it to ask the reader some questions. (If he won something, did why does he have a half-empty house, etc...?) It also seems a bit cluttered in the next sentence.
I understand your approach to what you were trying to say here, but it reads a bit choppy with all the home and then the house. If you keep it shorter, you have a certain drama that you build up here, and the reader can ask new questions again.
Both of them in the service of the queen.
When I hear the word queen I always think of the British Queen. But I assume that she is not meant, otherwise you would have to write it with a capital letter.
Leaving him and his sister to fend for themselves.
Rolin felt a tingling sensation on the nape of his neck, the same feeling he had when Gareth had sneaked up on him earlier.
You wrote a good, short background for Rolin. I like it because you get a lot of information very quickly without being overwhelmed. The only thing I found was that when you changed sections, it was a bit too fast, going from one point to another. Maybe you could add a short sentence about how he is lost in thought and then feels this tingling sensation.
It was probably filled with "loves," and "we're meant to be's". He was right.
Here you jump again from one sentence to another, and leave out an important point; Rolin has read the letter. A little sentence like that would have been nice, because it seems strange that he was right without having read the letter. It seems like he has telepathic powers here.
The biggest mystery that will now give me sleepless nights is where chapters 1 and 2 are. I don't know what you mean by that, as the chapter is a very good introductory chapter, but I also see it after some action-packed scenes, where only in this one the plot starts to build up. That's why I don't directly say here that I still miss a short description of Rolin's appearance, should that still take place in the previous chapters.
I noticed a few minor errors, such as the lack of inverted commas or a wrong sequence of upper and lower case letters.
You can read a bit of Rolin's motive from the text and I like the fact that you learn a bit about the relationship between him and his sister. You also add more characters with Teyla (and Heinz). The biggest feature that stuck with me was the note about arena fights, which you only added in passing. I'm looking forward to seeing how you present that.
Have fun with the writing!
Mailice.
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