Surveying the carnage before him, Joktar had a strange sense of satisfaction. Vikitus, the god of war, lay at his feet. A gaping stomach wound contributed to the blood pooling around his body. One of Joktar’s many hunting knives lay lodged in Vikitus’s stomach. The nauseatingly sweet, cloying, smell of blood assailed his nose. Lying there, he looked like any regular old human, weak and frail.
Striding across the battlefield, Zaya and Birius came within paces of Joktar. They stood there, the only two left, staring heartbrokenly on the body of their second son, then staring disdainfully into the cold, calculating, eyes of their first. His eyes, as cold as they were, were only a mirror into the gaping chasm he called his soul. Hatred mixed with a medley of other emotions was stamped on his brooding face. H had waited long for this moment, 30 years too long.
They had rejected him, one look at his crippled limbs and they had turned away, only to dote on those fragile humans. He wasn’t a cripple anymore though, now he was strong stronger than he had ever been before, and now he was going to make them pay.
Yanking his knife from Vikitus’s stomach, Joktar turned to face his parents. He stood there imperious, and proud, the sun at his back intensified the godly aura that shone round about him.
“How could you,” Zaya asked, gesturing to the dead body of her son. She wondered how she could have given birth to such a monster as she looked at Joktar’s unremorseful face.
“You, you rejected me, you left me to my own devices, they teased me because of my infirmity,” Joktar said, gesturing to his brothers and sisters littered around the battlefield. “I never received the honor due me as the firstborn son of the gods, And know I’m here to take it!”
Birius stared at his son, moments passed before he finally answered. “ I am sorry.”
“It’s too late for sorry, 30 years too late,” Joktar said slowly removing the knife from his belt.
“I wasn’t saying sorry to you, I was saying I am sorry we ever gave birth to you.”
Joktar opened his mouth wide and screamed at the sky, all the pent-up rage of the last 30 years erupted from his heart and into that cry. Throwing the knife in his hand he buried it in Zaya’s chest just inches from her heart, he grabbed the last remaining knife from his belt and ran toward his father. The feeling of his impending victory elated Joktar, his jet black hair streamed back in the wind.
Just inches from his target, Joktar felt himself slowly lifting off the ground. Looking toward his mother, she stood there arms extended, a single beam of light emanating from her hands wrapped itself like a cocoon around Joktar’s body. Joktar screamed, wreathing in its grasp, the horror on his face replaced his earlier haughtiness.
“You must go now,” Zaya said, the tears streaming down her face, “ you are no longer welcome here.” This being said, Zaya threw Joktar down to earth. The earth shook when Joktar landed, a crater in his likeness now was implanted into the earth.
* * * * *
Zaya and Birius hovered over the crater Joktar had left, Zaya had long since bound her
chest wound, but could not bind the wound in her heart.
“Birius what will become of him? Will he be okay?” Zaya nervously wrung her hands, the sweat on her brow glistened in the glaring sunlight.
“Why are you worried about that boy, he just deceived us all, he’ll be fine as, cunning as that one is, I could care less.” Birius turned to go, leaving Zaya staring at the crater. Her emotions seemed like a kaleidoscope, she couldn’t seem to get a grip on herself.
“Zaya let’s go.” Zaya took one last lingering glance at the outline of her son’s body and left with her husband. Her tears renewed, fell unchecked on the ground below.
* * * * *
Joktar crawled out the bushes and stared at the crater. Shaking his head, he limped towards the wood, leaving the emblem of his defeat behind him. He would make them pay, one day, he would return.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
I really like this prologue! It seems you could go in a lot of different directions with this story, so it really makes readers want to read more.
Overall your writing style is nice and clear, and there weren't really points when I was confused. There are just a few sentences I think you could have tweaked a bit to improve:
"Her emotions seemed like a kaleidoscope, she couldn't seem to get a grip on herself." I think that rather than saying that her emotions seemed like a kaleidoscope, you could say that her emotions were a kaleidoscope. For some reason saying they seemed like a kaleidoscope sounds a little odd.
There are a few places where some commas would be nice, like "Zaya, let's go." instead of "Zaya let's go." You can try reading this out loud, and adding commas where you naturally pause.
Thanks!
Hi BEASTtheHUN
Mailice here with a short review!
After reading the first chapter, I can understand very well why this is the prologue. It is the beginning of an exciting epic, like in the times of the gods. It's a big plus that you partly try to capture the brutality of the legends and images of that era in writing. But also the hatred and discontent towards parents and the psychological problems that go along with it have been practically conveyed and are very reminiscent of the stories of the Titans from ancient Greece or the gods.
I think you have managed this very well in many places. One notices that it was not written too hastily. What I also like here, especially because I don't have the connection with chapter one (and the following parts), is to what extent this prologue will be important for the rest of the story and in what sense it will affect Kliectos. That gives the reader a good build-up of tension.
What I like is that you give little description of appearance (I think only Vikitus is briefly described as an old man), which gives room for imagination for the reader to imagine these characters themselves.
This is a fierce sentence that I like excellently. It shows Zaya's coldness towards Joktar in a very clear tone. I can clearly imagine how quiet the voice had to be to say that, just shocked but aware that it was coming.
I think your attempt to present it like an ancient epic has worked well here. I'm just really curious to see how the story continues.
Have fun writing it!
Mailice.
Heyya, I got your message mate. So here we are. First of all, you have totally sent me back into some good old god of war vibe here which as we all know is going to be a journey full of betrayal, anger and revenge. Since Kratos's story of revenge ended in a much darker path, I'm eager to see how will you weave this story towards its end. Will it be a dark, painful end? Or will it be on the bittersweet side? Only time will tell.
By the way, it seems that some of the words are missing a letter or just doesn't have the right marks at some spot so maybe you should check that out. Overall good work. It makes me want to see it to the end.
Thanks for the review. If it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't have written this, but again, thanks for the review.
Hi there! Spearmint here with a review ^_^ Getting right to it...
Ooh right from the start, we get a sense of the kind of person/god Joktar is-- ruthless and maybe a bit sadistic? It's interesting to read about a character that could be considered the "bad guy," and learn what his motivation is (as well as if it's possible for him to change?
I like how you showed the contrast between how Zaya and Birius looked at each of their sons. It appears as if they loved their first son, but they're disgusted by their second (which makes sense, considering he did kill all of his siblings ;-;)
Just a small thing: I was a little confused at first as to who Zaya and Birius are. (I had to read this part a second time to understand that they're Joktar's parents.) Maybe you could clarify this part a little? Here's how I might do it: "Looking up, Joktar watched as his parents strode across the battlefield. Zaya and Birius came within a few paces of Joktar and stood there, the only two left. They stared heartbrokenly..." Of course, this is all optional! I think your writing's great as it is ^-^
Aww that's terrible! :c I can definitely see how Joktar's rejection would have led him to seek revenge. Oh, and this also reminds me of how in Greek mythology, Hera threw Hephaestus off of Mount Olympus because he was "ugly" or something. I don't know if you've heard of that myth, but I enjoyed the similarity! (It's like, "what if Hephaestus came back and killed all his godly siblings instead of just trapping Hera in a chair?" (I'd definitely recommend checking that myth out, if you haven't already :p))
Powerful mom, huh? XD I really liked this part because it's realistic-- Joktar's parents are older than him and probably have greater control over their powers, meaning that Joktar wouldn't likely be able to assassinate them. And, of course, Joktar being cast down to earth leads to a plethora of possibilities for where the story could go...
0.0 Well that's not ominous at all... XD Seriously though, I'm curious what'll happen next!
Overall, great job with this prologue! I think your plot so far is super neat, and now I'm off to read chapter 1!
Joktar was actually the first son, not the second. Thank you a lot for the review though, glad you enjoyed it!
Oops sorry, my bad! You%u2019re welcome for the review though