It's been said that love is sweet and tender ,
That it is something for ever to remember,
But why does it feel to me so sour and brutal?
Do you know that my eyes see you as a beautiful crystal?
That you got me writing this sh#%y poem
About how I'd love to live with you boem ?
Yes, I know that we can't be... So what will I do,
How am I going to live without you ?
Okay, here's how it's going to be: I'll set you free.
I'll try my best to restrain lil' me,
I'll mute my heart although it beats for you only,
I'll love you silently even if I'll feel lonely.
I promise to cherish every smile you give
And pray that you'll find the strength to forgive
When I find myself staring at you without blinking.
I'll love you forever, I won't change my thinking.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Chips here with a review.
I could really sense the emotion and tenacity of love within this poem, you captured it well so good job on that. It was positive and sweet, it had a thorough focus on persevering love towards a significant other.
Sometimes I felt as if you rhyming was very forced, hence interrupting the flow of the poem and it became a barrier to really expressing yourself poetically a bit too. You had a few punctuation and grammar errors too but they can be fixed quickly.
"Its been said that love is sweet and tender
That it is something for ever to remember,
But why does it feel to me so sour and brutal?"
There should be an apostrophe in "Its" so it reads, *It's* and a comma after "tender."
Instead of splitting up the words, "for ever", you could just write them together like, *forever*.
"That you got me writing this sh#%y poem
About how I'd love to live with you boem ?"
Here, the rhyming was so forced that a word was invented, according to my computer "boem" is not a word. Not yet anyways. Maybe leaving out the rhyming for this line or use a word that sounds similar to, "poem"?
Overall this was a nice piece. Hope this review helped. Keep writing!
--Chippy
Comment appreciated. Thank you.
Boem is invented indeed (it's bohemian).
Well... What a sweet little poem! I feel like the person feeling all of these emotions thinks they are they only one who understands the the meaning of love, though this may just be the stars in my eyes... Anyway, love is the deadliest weapon a human can control, and unfortunately, those who understand it the most cannot share it with someone they love, without forcing them to get it. That's why the people who do, eventually have to "set them free". They don't understand why that has to be done, so they become angry and afraid that you aren't the person they thought you were. That you're just a scary lil' fool...
(I hope I'm getting this right, and it doesn't seem like a bunch of nonsense to you...)
Again, I enjoyed this poem, and I hope to find others like it! (If that's even possible.)
~The dark one
Thewriter13 says...
Hey there! Thewriter13 here to give a review!
Please ignore all typos that follow as I am typing this on a tablet and autocorrect is evil.
So I like this poem! It has a lot of potential.
Ill go through nitpicks then praise and then what can be worked on.
Nitpicks!
That is something for ever to remember,
So here you're missing a subject.
I know you're talking about love (first line) but then this line reads odd. I would put "it" after "That" just so it reads smoothly.
But why does it feel to me so sour and brutal?
This line also read kind of strange. Perhaps change it to:
"But why does it feel so sour and brutal to me?"
That you got my writing this sh#%y poem
You don't have to censor cuss words, but if you do have cuss words in your works make sure you rate them so younger readers won't read this without being warned
Great job! There are a few more nitpicks so just go Back and proofread.
Also every stanza seems different in rhyme scheme. Some are free verse and some rhyme. In order to keep consistency and a smoother rhythm I would either make them all free verse or all follow the same rhyme scheme.
6.5/10
Keep writing!
(Sorry I didn't post it as a review)
Just thought I'd let you know, if you forget to mark a review as a review, you'll eventually get credit for it, so you don't have to post it twice.
Oh okay
Sorry about that!
*is still a confused newbie*
Love this thing! I think you really described how love feels and your crush. I appreciate the rhyme. As I said, maybe we could start a fanclub. Anyway, this part:
I'll try my best to restrain lil' me,
I'll mute my heart although it beats for you only,
I`ll love you silently even if I'll feel lonely.
lil' might be rewritten as little. I just don't think lil' makes the mood of the poem.
Define this word:
boem.
And this passage:
Do you know that through my eyes you're a beautiful crystal?
That you got my writing this sh#%y poem
About how I'd love to live with you boem ?
Did you mean to change the rhyme scheme? Really?
Please try to fix those things. I think you have great potential!
Thank you so much.
Your welcome!
I wrote this thinking at the woman I love. I wish I were talented because she deserves the best poems.
If anyone reads this , I beg of you, bring critics.