z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A ‘Free Ticket’ BOY

by BART


It was already 17:00, Ahmedabad bus stand, waiting for a bus to Home-Townl.....I knew I was perfectly screwed up, the last bus had already left. So, I thought it was best to take a bus to a nearby city and change from there, waiting for another ride was not worth it. I got into a bus and was very furious and ecstatic at the same time, in contemplation as it would take like 5 hours to reach there plus another 1 hr ride to home, and getting the bus at 24:00, argh...nevertheless, Happy, as going to Home after exams!!

I was just so tired and even the bus was “LOCAL”, so don’t let me start on the condition and the passengers!! It took 1 hour to get out of the City, and at the last stop, A lady of 45-50 entered with a boy, I didn’t care that much as it was already frustrating with the immutable babbling of the passengers around me, which was very anguishing. I made myself busy with a book of Swami Vivekananda Biography, which I was reading at that time, and was less attentive to the other chatters, as it was so soothing. After a while, I noticed a lady’s voice, which increased suddenly, I glanced towards the voice and it was the same woman who entered at last, She was arguing with A Man, who looked older than her, about some cultural and cast-community-based cap. Honestly, I didin’t care, it was just disturbing my reading, and hell, I was not there to hear about Who’s Caste is higher than others. I reached My Headphones opened My-Playlist, and continued the reading....

As I was in 3-seat, 2 voyagers came and sat beside me, which made the scenario worse and uncomfortable, just wanted the day to be OVER!! It was an IPL season and today was My favorite league match, I thought this would be a good thing that could make my day (Spoiler – It lost, but still something did make it better). I opened my Laptop, and got ahead with the Match ( I also Lowkey-ly felt soaring high, as everyone got attention towards me). Fast-forwarding 1 hr, the travelers beside me departed the bus at their station, I was again alone and felt relief. Suddenly, A Boy came and sat beside me, and commenced to watch the game too. My focus was solely on the screen(but knew that he was the same, as I saw with The Lady). He asked me something, I kept my My-Headphones off and looked at his face........and came to know that, He was not the regular one, I didn’t know much about types of Syndromes, but he had one of a type.

Now, My whole heed ‘pivoted’ towards him, ‘Saran’ gave me his intro, (also I discovered that he was 19 too), I was just so perplexed, that Guy had a perfect body, perfect face just some problem with talk and behaving some-what differently-ish, I came to know that he also had just completely his class 12 recently, just like me. I was really into watching the match, but also wanted to be with him, not because he would feel inferior, but because talking to him was so peaceful (in my heart) too!! also told me that, he wasn’t A Big Fan of watching Cricket, but he loves to play, yup Playing!! I was enjoying his energy and will not lie, was a bit surprised tho (but Happy), as How He was living like every one of us !!! While talking, He said that it was not easy to overcome his father’s and Grandfather’s Demise...I had no words, I mean I was so Just-In-Shock, at that particular time, that I just gazed towards his Mom......

With no time, the first half of the match was finished, and the bus took a stop. From there it was still 1-1.5 hr of traveling left, but now I was enjoying the ride. The Virtue, I liked most about Saran, was that He was full of Questions, about My Life, My Career, What he could do, How he could do it...I answered him up to My Full-Knowledge and he noted everything in his own Diary, without being Sceptical. At one instant, He asked me to make a promise not to tell anyone about the secret he was willing to share with me, I assented, The Secret was that He was traveling with a FREE-TICKET pass, and he was ashamed of that, I told him there is nothing to be ashamed and he replied that He knew he is a Special-Child as he studied in a Normal School...I had no words for a reply and We both just Smiled!!

After his City came, People began to depart with their stops and then Saran’s mother called him and they departed too. I saw him from My Window, We both greeted each other A Goodbye, and the bus left, I watched him and his mother till their disappearance (Duhh!! Metaphorically!!). I finished the game, left the bus, and went to take another ride, and then The Surreal thoughts took place, I was awed by the mother, How She managed to upbring 2 children, with One being A ‘Special’, without a partner.....Still, Today thinking about him, I just question, how some glitches, make a perfect man, A Special Child, Who is so pure and pious, without having any types of ‘Vikaar’, like Jealousy, hatred, or any kind of ill thought towards any Beings.

The only thing that will always remind me, when thinking of Saran, is the question asked by the late Mrs.Neela Satyanarayan in ‘One Full-One Half ’ about his son Chaitanya(who was suffering from Down’s Syndrome) “Why Do Normal People feel that They’re Complete and people like Chaitanya are Incomplete”, which is illicit at so many levels, as We are the One with Every ounce of insecurities possible.......


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1487 Reviews


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Tue Feb 20, 2024 2:58 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there Bart, Icy here for a quick review! Welcome to YWS firstly, I hope you've been enjoying the site so far.

Now onto the review! Overall, I think you have a good premise and and you create some suspense and drama with the characters and the situation. I liked how you introduced Saran and his syndrome, and how you showed his curiosity and enthusiasm. I also liked how you used the IPL match as a way to connect with him and the other passengers.

I'd agree with Rebel below that I found it quite off-putting to have all those capitalisations mid sentence. They don't seem to have any reason to them and I would suggest removing them. If you're not sure where a capital letter should go, you can try running the text through a simple online service like Grammarly which should do a lot of the work for you!

To further improve, it would be great to actually experience the conversation between our main character and Saran. I feel like being told about it in this way wasn't as impactful as showing the conversation, and it was harder to connect to the characters. If you're ever curious about the term show not tell our writer's knowledge base has a couple of great posts on it that I'd be happy to link you to.

Thanks for sharing this, and I hope to read more from you soon!

Icy




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Tue Feb 20, 2024 7:52 am
TheRebel2007 wrote a review...



Hey there, I am here for a quick review! First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you can settle down here, look over other works, chat in the forums and get into the groove!

As a fellow Indian, I would like to explain the concept of a "Free Ticket" for those who couldn't understand its meaning (and thus, its impact) after reading this - it refers to the free pass a child under a certain age (like six, or five, I don't remember exactly) gets in an Indian public transport. Basically, they get free rides. Now, many Indian parents fake their children's ages (I don't think that's the case here, I am just talking generally) to, well, get a free pass. Who doesn't like freebies, am I right?

Now, let's get into the contents of your piece. I find the capitalizations in mid-sentence a bit abrupt. Like:

BART wrote:...A Big Fan of watching Cricket, but he loves to play, yup Playing!! I was enjoying his energy and will not lie, was a bit surprised tho (but Happy), as How He was living like every one of us !!! While talking, He said that it was not easy to overcome his father’s and Grandfather’s Demise...I had no words, I mean I was so Just-In-Shock, at that particular time, that I just gazed towards his Mom......


And there are many other examples of this across the text. I found it a bit strange and peculiar, as I couldn't find any particular reason for that. Maybe, you wanted to emphasize? But it felt a bit off.

There were several grammatical errors across the text, but I think you can rectify them yourself.

As for plus points, I liked the theme of your short story. The differently-abled people aren't so different from us! It's something that we forget all the time when we talk to them. Sympathy isn't enough, as that might be conveyed as a pity to them - but empathy, it's empathy that's required for us to understand - not just them, but everyone.

I hope I didn't come off as too critical, like your average high-school English teacher. This was a good work, with a few mistakes - as is with every piece of literature ever written. I hope you have a good day! :p





I cannot separate the aesthetic pleasure of seeing a butterfly and the scientific pleasure of knowing what it is.
— Vladmir Nabokov