Chapter two was short so I threw in chapter three.
Please critique?
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Teagan pulled into the Business’s parking lot that she worked for. Pulling on her black flat shoes she grabbed her purse and ran inside. Sliding into the doors she was only a minute late. Running inside she took a deep breath and sat down at her desk. Letting out the deep breath, she signed into her laptop that sat in front of her. While letting her desktop come up, she walked into the break room and grabbed one of her waters from the fridge. Opening the water she took a drink as she began walking out the door.
Walking though the door, she bumped in to Martin. Falling over, to the ground, her cheeks lit up pink. Looking down at her shirt that was white, and now all wet. She looked up to find out who was looking down at her, made it worse. Her cheeks turned a different shade of pink as she looked up at the tall, brown haired, hazel eyed boy.
“Sorry” he said as he bent down to help her up. Taking her hand he helped her up and smiled as he saw the pink on her face. Wiping the water off her face that had slashed up on to it he watched as she fumbled around to get her balance back. “Your okay right?” he asked.
Nodding Teagan looked around then down at her shirt and put her arms over her chest. “Im… I’m fine...” she said, “I’m just going to… go change… I’ll see you around…” Their face so close, she felt his breath on her cheeks. Being that close to someone you like is pretty intense. Turning around she walked off and down the hall, once she turned down another hall she cursed under her breath.
Running down to her car, she dug though the cloths that she had inside of the car. Pulling out a black shirt, she slipped her white shirt off and her black shirt on. Grabbing a belt that had a bow on it she put it around up where her chest ended. Closing the door she fixed her hair and ran back inside.
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Glancing down at her sidekick, she noticed she got a new text from Martin. Biting her lips she kept working for a few minutes before she grabbed her phone and flipped it open. Reading the little words on her screen, it read: ‘met me at donates @ 7?’ Her heart raced. Glancing at the clock it was now 3:42. Teagan was going to leave work early, around four so she could start getting ready. Yes, three hours to get ready.
Four o’clock hit and she grabbed her things and walked out of her office. Walking past Martin’s office she blushed, once past it she got a grin on her face. Walking in to the elevator, it took her down to the first floor. Soon, she was at her car and slipping in to it. Driving home her mind raced, should she really take a chance again? Soon enough she was home. Stepping out of her car she walked inside and past her brother, who questioned why she was home so early.
Walking into her room, she looked around. Walking past the mess of her room, she began looking in her closet. Grabbing cloths out and throwing them on to her bed. Once pretty much every thing in her closet was on her bed she began to match things up, and then try them on.
Finally narrowing her outfit down to a black dress, with a fairly large heart on the side that was black and white stripped; it matched the top of the dress and the sides. Glancing up at the time it was now 5:30. Her mind and heart kept racing. She was going to give love one more chance. She began doing her hair along with her make up, soon enough 6:30 rolled around. Grabbing her purse, Teagan walked down the steps and walked over to her brother.
“This looks okay right?” she asked as she twirled around.
“Yea, it looks fine, where are you going?” he asked, looking up at her curiously.
“I’m going to dinner, with a guy at work.” Teagan answered back at his question as she slipped on her shoes.
A sigh escaped Aleck’s lips as he watched her.
“Teagan, I know about your past with guys. If hurts you, I will hunt him down.” He said as he walked up to her and kissed her forehead. “You look great though.”
Teagan nodded and smiled at Aleck. Walking to the door she waved and then walked out to her car. Sitting in it she turned it on and looked at garage door. Biting her lips she hoped that he wouldn’t end up like all the other boys she’s dated. Putting the car in reverse, she pulled out and drove down the rode.
Pulling up to the restaurant, she watched the couples who were laughing, and holding each other and a small smile came upon her lips. Finding a parking spot she stepped out of the car and locked it.
Walking up to the restaurant doors she looked at the faces, no sign of Martin yet. Getting alittle chill down her back she took in a deep breath looked back up, no Martin yet. A few couples walked past her happy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
On the surface, this is quite a sweet story you have presented here. However, digging deeper, there are certain things that you need to iron out for the story to stand on its own.
Your opening was very clear and concise, but I am not sure how far it goes in actually pulling the readers in. Beginnings are rather important because they determine whether the raeders are interested in your story and whether it is enough to actually hold them until the very end. You really need to make a good first impression with your beginning because sometimes they cause all the difference in the world. Here, your beginning is okay. But there is nothing attractive about it that makes an impression on the reader. In fact, it is a rather predictable opening and it does not really engage the readers that much
If you read the three sentences carefully, you will notice a pattern in them that is quite a repetitive theme in your narration of the story. All the sentences open with present participles, such as, 'walking', 'grabbing' etc. You need to rephrase your sentences, because otherwise it feels too repetitive and disrupts the entire flow of the story.
For example, you can very well rewrite it as: "Walking into her room, she looked around. She walked past the mess of her room and began looking in her closet. She grabbed some clothes out and threw them onto the bed."
Also, I am not sure if you have noticed but the third sentence is not really a complete sentence. You have made the same kind of error later in the story and you need to work a bit on your sentence constructions.
While, simple narrations are often appreciated, it does not really work very well in your case. Its because you have hardly left any space for introspection for the readers. Most of the story, we are following Teagan around. But there is no inclusion of her thoughts or feelings, there's just one thing happening after the other. As a result, it becomes a little breathless for us to read. We are not able to form any kind of a connection with the main character because she has hardly been introduced to us. You need to let your readers breathe and actually engage them in the story. You can do this by including more descriptions, by expanding on certain thoughts and actually making the text reflect the main character's feelings. Otherwise, the story will feel bland and your readers will lose interest very easily.
This was a rather sad ending to the story, but it feels a little anti-climatic because everything happened so quickly, that we do not even have the time to feel sorry for the MC. The line was supposed to invoke sympathy in us, but it fails to do so, because we never managed to connect with the MC in the first place. It is difficult to feel for her when we have never been told what she has been feeling either. We know that she was looking forward to this dinner by all the efforts she took to get ready. However, that is where the line is drawn. Because of your hurried narration, the ending fails to make an impression and leaves your readers a little disappointed.
This was a good story, but I feel it fell short because of the points I mentioned. I think you can easily turn it around though by making some edits and expanding on the MC's thoughts and feelings.
Keep writing and have a great day!
this is good bri, i found a few errors, just a few
Wiping the water off her face that had slashed up on to it he watched as she fumbled around to get her balance back. “Your okay right
I would change slashed to splash, this sentence is actually hard to understand. try rephrasing it alittle.
and one more, i would add periods in place of some of the comma's. if you read thru it, some of the sentences are to long.
but other then that, this is a great story. proud of you.
kim