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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
When I read this, I felt like I was reading a horror/mystery. Very nice!
Well, it seems everyone else got most of the problems, so I'm just going to say how good it was and move on with this confusing thing we call life. lol.
I really enjoyed the suspense that you put in it!
Well, Keep Writing!!
--Jalmoc
that is a very nice peom. I think you need to keep postig keep up the good job!!
Wow, the effect you've created is really interesting, I like the lines between the main bits of the poem, they seem like afterthoughts, like the running commentary that you have going on in your mind behind everything else.
ZILLY'S FEATURED AGAIN! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
^ Ohboy, caps abuse. XD
This may very well be sub-par, just so you know. I'm off my game today. (Just ask Kamas. Poor Kamas. At least she's random enough to keep up. (Yes, I have seen her infamous welcome thread. Why do you ask?))
~~~~~~~~~~
2 days later.....
ZILLY. I AM SO SORRY.
I totally meant to do this way earlier.
Also, I'm in a review slump. I feel like such a total noob every time I give one, now.
Aaannnd case in point: all I want to say is that this is beautiful.
Let me try again.
Gah, I love the feeling of this poem. It's almost ethereal, especially the way the parentheses make things all echo-ey. And I love the "Find me, refine me" line. And the butterfly line. And... aw heck, I love everything you have in parentheses here. Seriously, this is awesome. Don't sell yourself short. It's beautiful.
By the way, why should I thank Persy, and why is she a meanyface?
This is very interesting...
You definitely need to add some more punctuation and capitalization.
Also, what are those words in parentheses for? What are they all about? They made almost no sense for any of the lines except the last one and the third one.
This is a pretty good poem but I'm not really feeling the emotion (or much flow) in it.
Good job anyways
Keep writing,
Alzora
Very awesome! All I can say is that it should be no one, not noone! Could Job!
As usual, the things I noticed have been picked out by the eyes of others before me, saving me time and words. So all there is left for me to say is fantastic word choice and imagery. It really made me think about its meaning. Great job!!!!
Hello there, Azila.
Nitpicks:
- I think there should be commas in between the numbers.
- I think there ought to be a comma after 'river'.
- She crawls inside a house drawing? o.o
- 'no one' are two words.
- Now, this ending just took my breath away
This is a really nice poem!
Never stop writing!
P.S.
Are you online? I need backup. >.< I'm taking a break after this review. *sigh*
I thought that this poem was amazing. It took me a few times of reading it to understand but it seemed to get better every time that I read it through. I liked the wording a lot and the words in the parenthesis seemed to add effect quite well. Over all it is very well done.
This is how Lumi saves a spot for a review.
Notes for future self: contrast and rhythm and picky phrasing.
I do like this a lot, Azila. I'm disappointed you held out on us for so long. Anyway, expect to see this in the dungeon in a week. Much love and cherishing,
-Lumester
Liked it!
Should that not be 'no one' instead of 'noone'?
Keep writing,
~FW~
It was interesting, very interesting. It took a few reads through to get it fully, and the parenthesis slowed me down. But it was very well done, I can honestly say I've never seen anything like it before, and the way the words were positioned made it seem like it flowed more when you read it. Good Job, Keep Writing!
WoW! This was really good. I liked it a lot. It was weird in a mysterious creppy way but i enjoyed reading it
This is different, I like it! Its really weird, and gave me a creepy feeling. I read it over a couple of times, and I really enjoy it. Keep it up!
I liked this. It took me a couple reads, but it grew on me. "Like the houses I used to draw and crawl inside to hide," is probably my favorite line. Once more, I'm not sure why but it really resonated. You had lots of such little lines that just popped out and buried in my mind. Beautiful.
Now critique wise, I don't have much to say. However, I do feel like you might want to look at you're capitalization. I would probably recommend either not capitalizing all the I's or considering adding more capital letters. I would personally prefer the former, because it would add another hint of almost childish innocence to the poem, but it is really up to you. With poetry always do what feels right.
Other than that, wonderful job. Feel free to pm me with any questions on my critique or on the poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.