INTRODUCTION
NATSUMI
I used to be a simple girl with simple tastes, went to school every day, lived with my parents, and had a wonderful pet ferret named Ozzie. I spent most of my time with Ozzie. He has warm black fur on his paws and the tip of his tail while the rest of his body is covered in a rich silvery gray that I'm certain the whole Earth would love. I didn't really have any friends, I kept to myself. I was one of the best students in school. But now everything in my life has changed.
One thing. Only one thing from my old life is the same as my new life. That one thing is Ozzie. He has been with me since the beginning through the thick and thin. He has witnessed how everything has changed, even me. Don't get me wrong he has changed a lot as well; all I'm saying is that through it all, he is still my closest, and best friend i'll ever have.
All these new, (some terrifying) wonderful new thing and friends, no not friends but my new familywould have never came to be if it wasent for that day. That one fateful spring day after school that marked as my last day of life as a human, and marking my first day as a hanin. This is our story.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that was certainly a rather introductory paragraph that one...to be completely honest that one reads a tiny bit like an info dump and has perhaps too much packed in their, especially about the ferret. I feel like there's too much being said their about the pet not to mention it kind of comes out of nowhere without much of a transition, and it would be a bit more of a powerful line to have a tiny bit less detail before the whole 'everything has changed" line is dropped on us.
Okay, more about the pet I see, it is interesting to see how much is grounded through that, although I can see how this situation is a plausible one. And it does convey that there has been quite a massive change for this person here which is always quite exciting to see at the very start of a story like this cause it does open up quite a few possibilities here.
Well, it ends on a very interesting note, finally things move towards a bit more of a mystery wit those last couple of lines hitting especially hard there...I do love the ending you've got here...it does a wonderful job making you want to find out more about what happened here. Overall, I'd say its an okay start here, its certainly not bad, and it sounds like something I'd read, but it does have some room for improvement here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there. I like (not love) this text, but it needs a lot more than simple words to make it enjoyable for real literature readers.
Here's my first problem: You initiated a passage with the words 'I used to he a simple girl...'.
A reasonable person would expect the following part to be about anything else other than a pet ferret called Ozzie. That wasn't sequential at all! You curtly SPRANG from one topic into another.
It's obvious that Ozzie would play an important role in the general story, but the one element that keeps literature interesting is SEQUENCE. Once you begin something, it is expected that you finish it before introducing something else.
If the story was made especially for children, then the simplicity of the words and the absence of figuratives may be considered admissible. But then again, I can see that you're young and still on the pathway to a refined writer's mindset.
This introduction should not cause any excitement or high expectations for the succeeding story. You should do well to use your imagination without purview if you plan to make this a good story. The only problem, however, with stretching your imagination WILL be inscribing it in a thoroughly refined way. So ensure that you filter your thoughts and study your work well, before publicizing it.
Hope to read the whole story soon, and good luck...cheers!
"a simple girl with simple tastes, went to school every day..."
Simple small nit picky error here, but it should be a colon after "tastes." So it should be: "simple girl with simple tastes: went to school.." ya get that point. Nice start though.
"with me since the beginning through the thick and thin"
Nice line, good use of "thick and thin" here. Although you should say: "with me since the beginning, through the thick and thin." Be aware of those darn little ol' commas. They seem small and not that important, but they really help out with the smooth flowing of your writing. So just be aware of that.
"new familywould have"
There should be a space in-between "family" and "would."
Also, you use "some terrifying" in the first sentence of that third paragraph. Take it out of the parenthesis, because they just throw off the rhythm of your writing. Especially when they're used in the middle of a sentence.
Way to end this intro, a great way to really draw in the reader. I don't have any other notes than the minor ones I've already presented. I'm excited to see where you'll go with this piece. I hope my comments were helpful, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Gee, don't I know you from somewhere, and the story? HAHA! Good job partner. What a great introduction to the story. We really need to start talking ideas for some of the chapters so the site and the book are the same. Unless you venture out on your own with this. Sorta like a fanfic of something you helped come up with- if that makes any sense.... So yeah, if you do do that, then I'd love to see where you take it and when we start spitballing ideas for it again I can't wait to hear what kind of stuff you come up with.
HUMANS! YOU CAN GO TO OUR SITE: www.keinan.webs.com for more!!
Great work I love reading these types if stories. Interested to see how long some of these continuing stories and blogs or whatever they tend to be last. It's almost difficult to wait. I see them often on here thanks for a good read. Looking forward to another. Best of luck to you.