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~Ayumi~
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Wow... I've read alot of your work, and I have to say that I like this one the best. It's the perfect combination of suspense and action. You've really done a great job keeping the chapters in sinc with one another and with the orignal show. The only thing I found slightly off was that Itachi still seems too nice.
Konnichiwa, Audra-chan!
Critting as I go (again):
I'm glad you recognized this...and I hope you explain more of it later, of course!!
Okay a few things:
I think that that I should be 'if'.
And this is a pretty random thought...a little too obvious. You should state some points which lead up to this...Itachi-kun knows Orochimaru-sama quite well, since he cut Orochi's arm off....
I didn't read the next few sentences when I posted above...but this seems all a little too obvious...maybe you should write it in a way that leads up to the point. Ya know?
Hmm...would this be the part where Orochimaru-sama trys to steal Itachi-kun's body? (the time frame is right) If it's that, then it happened in broad daylight (in the manga) and afterward...Orochimaru-sama leaves the Akatsuki..but doesn't pursue Itachi-kun any further. Those are just the facts. I don't have a real problem with what you're writing here. He could be going after Ayumi..and Itachi-kun was there!
These thoughts need to be in italics.
I'm not exactly sure (mind blank) what they call it...but there's another word besides holster...
I believe these are supposed to be in italics as well.
....'sing-song'....it made me laugh... *giggles*
Okay, there's something I think you left out here...the Akatsuki.
If you look at the timelines, Itachi-kun and Orochimaru-sama are both in the Akatsuki...and at this point, I believe is where Orochi attempts to steal Itachi's body...so you should mention something hinting around the Akatsuki-how they were dressed, they seemed to know each other, etc.
WAY out of her league..Orochimaru is in a class by himself! Well, at least in this point in the story...
Italics...
I think you have to many '...' in that paragraph. You should take out of the one between 'neck' and 'she'.
Same thing. ^^
A few things wrong here...the paragraph was full of too many fragments...and short bursts (if you know what I mean) and too many 'dot, dot, dot's...
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You are getting way better at writing this! I liked this action scene. It was well-written, aside from what I mentioned above. If I compare the story-line to your old one....it's 1000x better. Good job!
I hope you post more REAL soon, Audra-chan.
-the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea
Well, I forgot who ayumi was. ( that's my issue not yours) I liked this, I wasn't able to read the entire thing (because I didn't know who Auyumi) but what I read was pretty good. I can't do fanfiction so If i wrote this, then, man, that'd be a miracle. Continue to write.