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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
No guns in Naruto!!!!
Itachi seems too nice and random here as well, just like the first reviewer said.
Also, you make it sound like Itachi was being chased by many people. He takes down one, and all of a sudden he's safe?
Other than that, great job!
This was very intriguing, and I definitely enjoyed this. PsychicNinja pointed out just about everything, so I can't really add much. However, there was this one little bit:
uote]“What’s yours?” he was obviously reluctant to answer.[/quote]
I believe the 'he' should be capitalized. Well, that's all I can say. This is a beautifully written story and I can't stress how much I've enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
I LOVE your fanfic so far! ^_^ It's very detailed/descriptive, creative, and interesting. I'll continue reading it later, but not before I leave you a comment: GREAT job! ^_^
I'm not going to go into grammer, because that isn't my forte. Your storylines are intriguing to read and I have to say, I'm enjoying them more everytime they come out. I hope you continue to write this!
its cool =]
i love naruto, and this seems to be quick awesome.
Keep it up =]
You gotta bring Naruto and Gaara in btw, theyre the two coolest ^.^
Eva
Konbanwa, Audra-chan!
I'm extremely happy to finally begin reading and commenting on your newly reworked story!!!!!!!
So here, I'm critting as I go along!:
Oooooo! Bad mistake! Kishimoto-sama specifically stated that the presence of projectile weapons in Naruto is totally banded! He means, what would a ninja stand against a gun? You see? Even for a fanfic...you really shouldn't have added the rifle.
Take out the 'six months later'...Add it in a separate sentence, by itself...to add effect!
*leaps for joy* (yes, I seriously did leap out of my seat...actualy the chair slid out from under me and my butt hit the floor. ^^)
Yeeeeesss! I love that fact!!! It makes MUCH more sense now!!! *high-fives*
I still have a problem with the fact that Emi&co are from the Hidden Waterfall. They're cousins...and they're from totally different countries...kind of on the opposite side-ish of the 'world'. Sorry, it just wouldn't have made sense....clans (especially from different countries rarely inter-marry....but this could be a rare thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, continue on...random spazzy me...
Maybe you should say 'black pants and cape'. it's less repetative.
Hold on...this is Itachi-kun being chased, right? the ANBU (and it should be capitalized, I think) don't chase him the night he murders his family...he really doesn't get chased at all...I mean what good would it do to chase a guy that murdered about 50-80 people in one night?!
In the dark, wouldn't it be kinda hard to tell how old he is? I mean she could probably figure out that it was a teenager, though..
Hold on...I don't really get what's going on here?
And if you're talking about Itachi-kun's sword....it's a..katana..not a machete...Japanese swords, Audra!!
Swords have sheaths and guns have holsters. ^^
Ooooo! I like this!
Hold on, I apparently forgot the reason why Ayumi is in Konoha as a Mist nin. What was the reason, again? I'm confused here...
Thank God!! She isn't a Mary-Sue right away!!!! *high-fives*
Itachi+random outbursts....doesn't really fit his character. XD
That isn't Itachi-like either...for a girl he just randomly met after he murdered his clan..and randomly brought along...
Whoa!! Way not Itachi-like!
I like it last sentence. Good ending sentence!
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Okay, this was 100000x better than your first 'edition'!!!!
Except for the few things I mentioned (AND REMEMBER, NO GUNS!), it was well written and good. Ayumi is not as Mary-Sue-ish..she sounds more like 8 year old..not older (wait how old is she?). The whole main bad thing (but influential to your story
~the [s]great[/s] Psychic Ninja, Timea