A summer’s morning is what I love the most. The sun always rises, smiling down on everyone and everything, greeting everyone into their morning. Sometimes it annoys me when I’m sleeping, but today is different. Today is one of those days when nothing else matters but the thing that make you the happiest, that is what I’m feeling today. I have no idea why I’m feeling this though, it’s never a feeling I wake up to. My hair has a bad case of morning mess, the weather is ridiculous today, and I feel as if I’m forgetting something important, but it doesn’t matter. What matter is, is that I am, oddly, in a good mood today.
I slid out of bed and stroll into the kitchen, ignoring my little brother in the process. He’s ten years younger than me, yet he is somehow smarter than me. His name is Kyle, and what a pest he is. He thinks that he is little and he get all the glory of being a kid that he can do whatever he likes, which he cannot in my view. However, apparently to mum, he can for some reason, which bothers me. I feel so sorry for the people that are going to his classmates this year, that’ll be torture. He has this way to annoy people in so many ways imaginable. Like the other day, he thought it would be funny to somehow break my camera, and oddly, it was wet. I’m guessing he pushed it into the local pool or the bath tub, nut that’s not the point. My point is school will be torture for everyone, and not for him.
Speaking of school, today is where this great country of Australia let us people go back to the Hell. Well, at least for my state, it all depend which state you’re living in. I currently live on the east side of Australia, to be more specific, somewhere along the coast of Queensland. I live along the beach, actually right next door. I usually sit on the roof at night and look at the stars, if not that then just stare at the crashing waves off in the distance. I love the smell of the ocean as much as everyone; it’s such a lovely smell. I sometimes go out at night and sit on the sand, I get into trouble, but that’s because of our dog, Zeus. He never stops barking, so that’s the reason.
My brother starts to annoy me, “Hey, Opal! You’re stupid!”
“Oh really? Then tell me this, Kyle…” I take a seat next to him, smirking, “What’s a mouse?”
“Oh, that’s easy. It’s that thing next to the computer!”
“The thing next to the computer, eh?” My eye brow twitches, “Is that so?”
“Oh, enough Opal!” My mum interferes, storming in, “How dare you! He’s six, he doesn’t know any better!”
“Well, he should know better to not put cameras near water…” With her glare at me, I sigh, “I’m going; school starts in an hour anyway…” I hug her, “See you, mum!”
“Bye!”
Truth is, school doesn’t even start in an hour and a half, I just wanted to get out for a little. The summer sun is shining down on me despite it being seven in the morning. I have one of mum’s camera’s hanging from my neck; she said that if I take a photo with this one, it comes out the other end. At first, that didn’t sound too promising, but when I tried it out I saw what she meant. It was one of those old cameras that you have to fan out the photo taken to set the ink in place. It’s easier to use this one, that way I don’t have to wait until I get home and on my computer to get my photo. I showed some people in the neighbourhood, but they just laugh saying that I’m too old tech, and I need to get out more. Well, at least I’m different.
I stroll until a hand was on my shoulder. It shocked me, but as I turned around to see the offender, I realised that it was just my best friend, Alessandra. She’s from Italy, only moved here two years ago. Her accent is really thick, yet somehow you can understand her. When I first met her she was all shy, but once you get to know her, she actually lives up to her name. Her name means defender of mankind, and she does that well. One time, I was getting pick on and she stood up for me. That’s actually a first; no one has ever done that for me before. However, that’s not the reason, the reason she’s my best friend is because she never gives my stuff I loan her back. There’s this sane, a friend will give your loaned stuff back while a best friend will just sit there handing you a tissue or something, either way, she never does.
I sigh, walking next to her, “Hi…”
She laughs, “Ciao!” I hear her mother calling for her from behind, and immediately I was dragged. She waved, “Just run! I don’t want you to get into trouble, eh?”
“Umm…Why are we running?”
“Oh, I pissed my mama off somehow. As soon as we’re in school, the sooner she’ll stop chasing us!”
I huff, “Can you just admit to your mum that you did something wrong and we can just walk?”
“Nah! Besides, I wanna get to the beach for just a glance before we get into Hell!” We ran into the school, and I heard her mum say something I didn’t understand. Alessandra happens to be the only one in her family who can speak English. However, she waved, “Bye mama!”
I sigh annoyed, “You know, you should stop annoying your mum, it’s getting on her nerves by the looks of things….”
“What are you? My dad?” We walk towards the hall for our school parade, “She needs a stir once in a while!”
“That’s just mean….”
“Whatever.” She looks over her right shoulder, raising a brow, “New boy, eh?”
I look back, and I was met with a nice sight. The new boy wasn’t like the other boys, sure he met some popular people, but I can tell he’s different. His brown hair blows with the wind, as his eyes are met with mine. Wait, why is he staring at me? I feel my cheeks blush as I look away, getting questions from Alessandra. However, with the corner of my eye, I can still see him stare at me. Why do I feel this way, it’s just another boy! It’s not like someone as nice as he looks is going to show up another time, yet again, I have never seen a boy like this one before.
The doors open, and I walked over to my form class, taking as seat. I never understood why we need this class; it’s not even a class! It’s just a place where we go in the morning so they can mark us off as present for the day. I sigh, slumping in my seat. I hope this year flies right by me like wind.
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140,133 Literary Works • 673,030 Reviews
Hello there!
Starleene here!
First off I have to inform you that this is going to be a very nit-picky review and I apologise in advance but I want to see how my powers of observation are working. So without further ado I present my review:
“Sometimes it annoys me when I’m sleeping, but today is different.”
I don’t believe that you need a comma between sleeping and but.
“Today is one of those days when nothing else matters but the thing that make you the happiest, that is what I’m feeling today.”
Make should be make(s) with an s. The way you use “that is” makes the reader pause and re-read. The stuffiness of this phrase could be fixed if you made “that is” into a contraction eliminated the stuffiness and moving the readers eyes on effortlessly.
“I have no idea why I’m feeling this though, it’s never a feeling I wake up to.”
This sentence could use some revision. The placement of the words is a little strange.
“ … the weather is ridiculous today”
Why is the weather ridiculous? Latter on you mention that the sun is shining down on her. Does the MC not like sunshine?
“What matter is, is that I am, oddly, in a good mood today.”
“What matter, ”should be changed to “What matter(s)” with and s
“…yet he is somehow smarter than me”
Again this contraction seems out of place and out dated for this kind of POV.
“He thinks that he is little and he get all the glory of being a kid that he can do whatever he likes, which he cannot in my view.”
Does her little brother not know if he is little or not? I think it would be better put if you said that “he knows he’s little.” Don’t forget to add an s at the end of get(s). Period after kid so that you can make the next sentence more complete. You could possibly start it with “He thinks he can do whatever” or “He knows that he can do whatever he likes.”
“However, apparently to mum, he can for some reason, which bothers me.”
Too many commas in this sentence; if you take out the last comma and turn it into a period then you can make a statement out of the last phrase and make it more pronounced.
“I feel so sorry for the people that are going to his classmates this year, that’ll be torture. He has this way to annoy people in so many ways imaginable."
I think that is this kid is 10 years younger than the main character then the “people” Kyle would be going to school with would be children. Maybe you should think of changing this word around to better fit Kyles’ peers. There should be a “be” between going and to. I believe that “of annoying people” is the correct way to say this phrase. And I think that if you change the so in so many ways imaginable,” to “as many ways imaginable” it would make a little more sense.
”Like the other day, he thought it would be funny to somehow break my camera, and oddly, it was wet. I’m guessing he pushed it into the local pool or the bath tub, nut that’s not the point. My point is school will be torture for everyone, and not for him.”
By adding somehow to this sentence you are implying that the MC had no idea that a camera could be broken, if you take it out it would make much more sense. Also, it’s not odd that the camera was wet, obviously it was Kyles plan all along to get it wet. I don’t believe Kyle would place the camera on the ground and then “push” it into a pool of water, but I could very much see his “dropping” it into a pool of water. Dropping would be a more suitable word in this context. I’m sure you meant “but” not “nut” in this sentence. Comma after school. This last sentence could definitely be improved upon. There are too many words cluttering it. For instance, if you simplified “, and not for him” to “besides him” it read a lot better, don’t you think?
“Speaking of school, today is where this great country of Australia let us people go back to the Hell.”
I think “where” is the incorrect word to use here “When” would make much more sense. S at the end of “let(s)”
“Well, at least for my state, it all depend which state you’re living in. I currently live on the east side of Australia, to be more specific, somewhere along the coast of Queensland.”
This is a very confusing sentence, it could use some revisions.
“I live along the beach, actually right next door.”
This sentence isn’t needed. In the previous sentence you stated that you live along the coast which leads the reader to believe the beach.
“I usually sit on the roof at night and look at the stars, if not that then just stare at the crashing waves off in the distance. I love the smell of the ocean as much as everyone; it’s such a lovely smell. I sometimes go out at night and sit on the sand, I get into trouble, but that’s because of our dog, Zeus. He never stops barking, so that’s the reason.”
Consider revision. Something’s are stated more than once.
“My brother starts to annoy me, “Hey, Opal! You’re stupid!”’
This doesn’t seem like a normal sentence, especially for someone so young.
‘“Well, he should know better to not put cameras near water…” With her glare at me, I sigh, “I’m going; school starts in an hour anyway…” I hug her, “See you, mum!”
“Bye!”’
The dialogue here seems forced. It’s unnatural in some way and I can’t put my finger on it. I recommend going out with a note pad and writing down pieced of dialogue you here on a normal bases. You’ll come to notice that it normal human interaction a sentence is seldom actually completed. A thought process could be changed at the drop of a hat and you could be on a whole different topic. Check it out, it’s pretty cool!
“I have one of mum’s camera’s hanging from my neck; she said that if I take a photo with this one, it comes out the other end. At first, that didn’t sound too promising, but when I tried it out I saw what she meant. It was one of those old cameras that you have to fan out the photo taken to set the ink in place. It’s easier to use this one, that way I don’t have to wait until I get home and on my computer to get my photo.”
The only problem I have with this sentence is the word taken. The readers realize that as soon as the MC is waving the picture around the picture has, indeed, been taken. Otherwise this is a very well written paragraph! I can totally see the main character walking around waving pictures around.
“I showed some people in the neighbourhood, but they just laugh saying that I’m too old tech, and I need to get out more.”
Laugh(ed). I believe that the term you’re looking for is old (school) not tech.
“I stroll until a hand was on my shoulder. It shocked me, but as I turned around to see the offender, I realised that it was just my best friend, Alessandra. She’s from Italy, only moved here two years ago. Her accent is really thick, yet somehow you can understand her.
This whole paragraph needs to be revised. It is very blocky and is not very believable. Maybe you could say something along the lines of “I take my time getting to Hell when suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. I begin to cry out until I realize the offenders hand is attached to my best friend Alessandra. She moved here from Italy two years ago and still hasn’t been able to get rid of her thick accent.” Or something like that. It makes much more sense and the reader is able to understand it.
“When I first met her she was all shy, but once you get to know her, she actually lives up to her name. Her name means defender of mankind, and she does that well. One time, I was getting pick on and she stood up for me. That’s actually a first; no one has ever done that for me before. However, that’s not the reason, the reason she’s my best friend is because she never gives my stuff I loan her back. There’s this sane, a friend will give your loaned stuff back while a best friend will just sit there handing you a tissue or something, either way, she never does.”
How do they know what her name means? Maybe you can mention that they looked it up? Also, the working in this paragraph makes it a little hard to follow. Sometimes simplifying is a good thing. Sane is supposed to be saying I presume? And it’s “pick(ed) on,” not “ pick on.”
“I sigh, walking next to her, “Hi…”’
Why does she sign? Wouldn’t you be in a good mood is your best friend suddenly showed up?
“She laughs, “Ciao!” I hear her mother calling for her from behind, and immediately I was dragged. She waved, “Just run! I don’t want you to get into trouble, eh?”’
The comma after behind can be omitted as well as the sentence, “She waved” it doesn’t make any sense to place that here.
“I huff, “Can you just admit to your mum that you did something wrong and we can just walk?”’
I think that replacing and with so would make a big difference in this sentence.
““Nah! Besides, I wanna get to the beach for just a glance before we get into Hell!” We ran into the school, and I heard her mum say something I didn’t understand. Alessandra happens to be the only one in her family who can speak English. However, she waved, “Bye mama!””
I don’t think it’s realistic for the girls to go to the beach before school, anyhow, this sentence contradicts itself in the next sentence when you say “We ran into the school.” I don’t think the beach part needs to be added here. If they moved to Australia, a native English country, shouldn’t the mom know how to speak it?
“What are you? My dad?”
The saying is “Who are you?” Not “What are you.”
“I look back, and I was met with a nice sight.”
Not only do you change tenses with “was,” there is no need for a comma.
“Wait, why is he staring at me?”
I just want to clarify that she was staring at his first.
“I feel my cheeks blush as I look away, getting questions from Alessandra.”
What questions does Alessandra ask?
“However, with the corner of my eye, I can still see him stare at me. Why do I feel this way, it’s just another boy! It’s not like someone as nice as he looks is going to show up another time, yet again, I have never seen a boy like this one before.”
There is no need for however in this sentence. Also, the saying is “out of the corner of my eye.” I also want to say that of course she’s going to see his again…he goes to her school. That’s strange to say the she won’t show up again.
“The doors open, and I walked over to my form class, taking as seat. I never understood why we need this class; it’s not even a class! It’s just a place where we go in the morning so they can mark us off as present for the day. I sigh, slumping in my seat. I hope this year flies right by me like wind.”
The metaphor at the end, “flies right by me like wind,” goes against your entire writing style up until that point. I don’t believe you need it.
Sorry for such a long review! I hope it helps! I really do love this story and I can see a lot of potential for it, which is why I put a lot of effort into giving you the best review that I could. I even took notes! Anyway, I look forward to reading more work from you!
Good Luck! Keep Writing!
Starleene Out.
Thanks again!
Okay so there are quite a few grammatical errors in this piece. It makes reading your work somewhat difficult, but I could still understand it pretty well. I liked this piece pretty well. it's interesting and I want to know more. I hope you keep writing, just focus on your grammar and read over your work before you post it so you can fix any errors.Good luck and keep writing!
Thanks!
Hey Saucy, Stella again! So since I read the prologue I figured I better head on to Chapter One and read it too
That annoyed me a little bit!
Okay so firstly I liked this a whole lot more than I did the prologue. Like, lots more. Your character is much more engaging, the storytelling is better- even the writing itself is better! I liked this quite a bit, however I do have a couple of notes:
1) your sentence structure in places gets weird. Like, " However, apparently to mum, he can for some reason, which bothers me. " Now I'm the queen of writing bad sentences. Some YWSers would actually refer to the example I just took from your piece as a "Stella sentence". So I understand- you think that the sentence is fine, it looks completely grand to you, but when one of us reads it, all sense flies out the window. The question is, how do you find if a sentence is poorly structured or not?
One hint is to read it out loud. If it's too long, and you have to take a breath halfway through, then you should probably chop it up. If the clauses aren't differentiated well enough, same thing. If it just doesn't sound right, change it!
2) there were a couple of infodumps in this piece. An infodump is just what it sounds like, where you dump a whole load of information in one place. Let's have a look at this paragraph:
"Speaking of school, today is where this great country of Australia let us people go back to the Hell. Well, at least for my state, it all depend which state you’re living in. I currently live on the east side of Australia, to be more specific, somewhere along the coast of Queensland. I live along the beach, actually right next door. I usually sit on the roof at night and look at the stars, if not that then just stare at the crashing waves off in the distance. I love the smell of the ocean as much as everyone; it’s such a lovely smell. I sometimes go out at night and sit on the sand, I get into trouble, but that’s because of our dog, Zeus. He never stops barking, so that’s the reason."
Now in a way I kind of like the whole stream of consciousness thing going on here, but it has its pitfalls. Like, here it's as if you're just trying to give us all the facts at once: she lives in Queensland, she lives at the beach, Australia's schools go back at different times, Opal likes to sit on the roof, the ocean smells nice, she has a dog called Zeus, Zeus never stops barking.
They're all lovely tidbits of information, but when you list them like that, well, they're not really connected at all are they? Plus I think some of them would be much better expressed in different ways. Like, the fact it's the first day of school- you could have her mum say, "Have you got everything? I'd hate for you to forget something on your first day!" Zeus you could have tied up outside or running into the kitchen barking and Opal can mention how he never stops barking. It's a matter of show, don't tell. Don't tell us she has a dog when we haven't yet seen the dog. Show us the dog when Opal comes across him.
3) ah, the beauty of true love at first sight. I've read about five stories on YWS this weekend that have had this moment when the protag, for no apparent reason, notices their love interest and can't get them out of their heads. Okay, how often does this happen in reality? I remember when I first saw my boyfriend, my original thought was, "Well he looks very serious and no fun at all" and I didn't talk to him for a month. How many people have you seen just once and then not been able to forget? Maybe you're trying to show that they have something stronger than most people, but as I've said, I've read it so many times that I'm just not buying it anymore. Try for something a little more original!
Also- none of Alessandra's family speak English? Why move to Australia then?
But honestly I'm being quite nitpicky. This was actually pretty good! I like your character and I like how you've thought about her family and her friends and things that a lot of people forget about when writing teen romances. So good job with that
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
It did! Thank you!