Published January 8, 2010
Least Among my vile things,
And the pain my demons bring,
The softest sour note I sing,
Is my conviction in myself.
My Pride in my own moral health,
Assurance of my reason's wealth.
Least Among my vile things.
.
Next to plauge my failing heart:
Indifference, where my end will start.
My passion, from this world, departs.
Precipitates of crystal cold
Freeze my will from acting bold.
Still in youth, my heart runs cold.
Next to plauge my failing heart.
.
Third in my weakened will,
Unable E'er to settle still.
Compulsed to venture off the hill.
Change; the drug my heart desires.
Burned I'v been by shifting fires.
When content, I'm uninspires.
Third in my weakened will.
.
Second in my greatest flaws
Is my defense's tearing claws.
Sharper than serraated saws.
A lack of grace when critisized,
A soul where hate's incentisized,
But blame and guilt internalized.
Second in my greatest flaws.
The final great defect in me,
THe hope that love will set me free.
My heart awaits the sterling key
To turn the latch and let it out.
to give daydreams substantial clout.
The Final great defect in me,
Love. The flaw I love to see.
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Bonjour!
I'm going to back up Snoinkarine on the suggestion of checking for spelling errors, dear. I would point them out, but I are lazybones this morning.
Nonetheless, I think this is fair. I don't like the rhyme, because we can tell where it's restraining your imagination from reaching it's full potential, and that leaves me torn between liking and not liking; I think you should let it come easily,and if you can't rhyme, don't sweat it.
Also, meter with rhyme is terribly important, so! I would suggest reading this aloud, dear, and finding the spots where the rhythm halts a bit because it gets a little staggered in some parts.
I like it, though. The idea behind it interests me, but I think there are spots you can improve in.
Junibear
Good job on this piece. I too enjoyed the fact that you focused on the speaker's flaws instead of their strengths. And I liked that you regarded love as a flaw. Sometimes it can become one, if it isn't Agape. Anyways, my favorite part was definitely the ending. I just really enjoyed that stanza, especially the part about unlocking the heart. Very cool imagery.
My only critique is the punctuation. Your commas and periods are all in the right spot, but for some reason you are capitalising after commas, which didn't make sense to me. Plus there were several words that were capitalised that didn't seem to follow any coherent pattern. If you're going to capitalise every line, there has to be a reason. Since there doesn't appear to be one, I would rectify this. Other than that this was very well written!
I have to say I really enjoyed reading this poem. A unique idea, focusing on the self rather than someone or something else, which lately is all I seem to come across. Also most (but not all) of the poems I find about the self are actually selfish, and yours isn't. I like that.
The rhyme scheme is nifty and not forced. The poem has a nice rhythm that doesn't stray in weird places.
My favorite stanza has to be "Second in my greatest flaws..." But you did a really good job with the whole piece.
I really liked this! It's different, and it's lovely. Your rhyme scheme works so well. It's not forced, and it really brings your poem to life as it's read through.
You have some typos, but I'm sure a spell check will catch the worst of them. I also agree with Snoink about adding a story; in a way that would tie all of these ideas up and keep the poem on track throughout, as such. But well done!
~Amy
I thought that this was wonderful. I liked how you started and ended all of the stanzas with the same line. That made the last stanza stand out, so great job with that. The one thing that kind of throws me off here is this:
You say love twice in that line, is there another word that would fit for the second one?Great job,
~Poem
Hiyas!
First of all, I really loved this piece. It has a great meaning, a wonderful insight at the flaws of the narrator.
This verse was very beautiful. It really struck a chord in me.
For my nitpicks:
There were the few typos as mentioned above.
Thanks for sharing this poem! I absolutely enjoyed it!
Happy Writing!
~Mira
Your rhyme scheme is flawless and complex, without feeling forced. Brava.
this stanza was beautiful.
You had a couple typos
plauge should be plague
serraated should be serrated.
Besides that, fantastic piece. I loved the story in the poem as well, and the ending stanza was remarkable.
All in all, great writing.
Keep rhyming,
EMpress
ps I thought this was a sort of story, unto itself.
Hey Awakening!
First of all, check for spelling errors... there are a couple in here! Run it through a spell check and you'll see.
So! I liked you you put out all the narrator's flaws so that we could easily see them... pretty cool! Usually, writers try to hide them or idealize the narrator until s/he becomes utterly unbelievable, and you didn't do this! So good job for you! Now, the next thing you should try is putting this in some sort of story. Now, this may seem like a weird request since, after all, this is a poem, not a story. However, you have all this conflict inherent to your poem, yet we don't really see where all this drama is going towards. Unresolved drama makes it seem like we've missed something. So stick some in! It'll help this poem become that much better.
Hope that helped!