My love is of a birth as vile
As e'er a man could find himself to be.
Leading saints to taint Eve's virgin smile,
With compassion nowhere eyes can see.
.
His touch falls short of stirring me to wake,
Though he ranked himself among romancers.
Thinking, for me, a lighter load he makes.
Instead, a catalyst for all my body's cancers.
.
He, when insecure, casts the starting stone.
My form fairer, a thousand fold, than his.
His jealous critiques, from vanity, has grown.
His love redeems the villain that he is.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Awake!
I truly enjoyed this. You have a wonderful rhythm, consistent meter, perfect rhyme, and while the poem may not be the most original, I think you've done an absolutely wonderful job.
However, the end of it kind of spins off and I think it needs a better closing.The poem is really good, short and concise, but the ending doesn't do it justice.
June
Overall I loved it, it was intelligently written. However, there were parts that were too smart. Try to dumb it down so that these parts make sense.
~Durrie
Hey Awake! Let me say that when I read the title of the poem it turned me off. I was expecting a rant on his horribleness, and was really surprised that it wasn't like that. You actually gave a poetic view on it, instead of listing all the things you hate about him. Your way of rhyming I really like, and you've got a good poem here, the only thing I would change is the name.
Keep writing!