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Young Writers Society



Angels Will Fall - Part 1

by Awaken-the-Dark


Hostility. The word seemed fitting to the cab driver, being able to feel the emotion emitting from the two occupants in his backseat.

They were both staring coldly out their windows, looking at the surroundings that flew past them. The car was speeding away from central Sydney, the scenery becoming less dense with buildings as the minutes passed by.

They both held still postures; their jaws locked and straight backed, a warning sign against any unwanted intrusions.

One of the occupants of the seat, a girl, twitched uncomfortably before sighing and moving back into the position she had started in. Her expression was torn between anger and frustration, causing her strongly cast features to become bolder in a show of fierce beauty.

She breathed in heavily breaths, biting her tongue to keep herself from yelling out thoughts that plagued her mind. She shook her head back and forth, causing a few loose strands from her shoulder length hair to fall into her eyes.

The sunlight that streamed in through the window made it appear to be a strange black colour that was strongly tinged with blue. She quickly tucked the strands of hair behind her ear with lightly tanned fingers, leaning her head in an over exaggerated movement against the window. After a few moments she became bored of her new position and decided to turn her body to look at the person that sat next to her. The boy, who held the same stiff stance she had just abandoned, showed no response to her lingering gaze.

“Stop looking at me.” The order was crisp and strong, no emotion laced in the low husky voice.

The girl scoffed and continued staring, although the boy remained adamant is his choice not to look at her.

“Blaze.” The girls tone mocked the boy’s name as she called it, drawing it out more than necessary. Not being able to ignore her jabs anymore, the boy angled his tall body toward her slight form, his eyes hard and calculating.

The two looked miraculously alike, both having the same shaped face and hard features, both strangely captivating in their beauty.

The only noticeable difference in appearance between the two was in hair colour. Where the girl’s hair was that strange pitch black and blue colour, his was a wild and brightly toned apple red- completely unnatural looking.

The most noticeable feature that they shared was not their uncanny similarity in looks, but the colour of their eyes.

Vivid violet coloured irises that continued to stare at the other, neither backing down.

Seconds - maybe even minutes - of uncomfortable silence passed through the air, the tension pulsating around the two angered forms.

While the girl was comfortable in their stiff stance, Blaze twitched, not being able to sit still as he fought the urge to explode in the passing moments.

As hard as he tried, his hard facade began to crack, his mouth slowly opening and his hands clenching as he decided to break the silence with an outburst of rage.

In one swift movement he threw his arms up into the air, yelling his thoughts. “This is the third time in a year we’ve had to be moved because of you!” His expression was wild, his anger portrayed freely in his eyes, brow furrowing in a hard look of concentration. “I forgave you all the other times because you had good reason, but that fight was completely immature, Onyx! I'm sick of always having to leave because of your mess, why can’t you ever try to be normal?!” His breaths came in sharp gasps, hands clenched into tight fists making some of his knuckles crack under the skin.

The girl, Onyx, stared at him for a moment in stunned disbelief. “Forgave me?” She spat as if it were a dirty word, disregarding the other things he had said. “You really think I need your forgiveness?” She let out dry laugh and continued her rant. “In case you haven’t noticed Blaze, this is the life of a foster child. So stop acting otherwise! Moving should be second nature to us by now, yet you still seem to be moping over our situation! All our lives you’ve continued to play the ‘suffering little twin role and I'm sick of it!” She paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts before sending another stiff glare at him.

“Onyx...” Blaze snarled the word, trying to interrupt her but was cut short by a sharp hand gesture she made towards him.

“I'm not finished!” She snapped. “I know you have always shifted the blame on me Blaze for whatever reason we keep moving from home to home, but this is the end of the line! I am not to blame for that fight! The little Blond Bimbo started it and you know she had it out for me since the day we arrived! She was asking for it. She was way overdue for an attitude adjustment!” Onyx’s chest heaved up and down as she took breaths, her temper flaring dramatically, being on a very short leash which appeared to thin out more and more over time.

Blaze was silent as he slowly rolled his eyes in a lazy way, his sister’s antics becoming old. Would she never accept responsibility for anything? “What did she do? Tease you about your hair again? Did she wonder why you think the world has it in for you? Frankly, you’re your own worst enemy Onyx!” He paused for a moment, observing her face as it built with charged anger. “Or, just maybe, it might have been your wonderful personality she put on question. You and I both know you’re just a bucket of sunshine and daisies to be around.” He finished with a satisfied smirk, knowing he was baiting her. To his immense please, sure enough, she bit.

Steadily, as if the world had switched to slow motion, Onyx gnashed her teeth together as another onslaught of words left her mouth. “At least I don’t look like a freaking red haired troll doll! I need sunglasses to look at your hair it’s so bright sometimes!” Blaze instantly dropped his smirk, his expression turning to one of sour distaste as Onyx continued to tear him down from his self proclaimed pedestal. “Oh, and you want to talk about personality’s dear brother, when was the last time you actually said a word to someone other than me? You’re like the king of being anti-social and lamely shy!” She reached out and mockingly patted his shoulder “Not cool, Blazy, not cool.” She sank back into her seat with their annoyingly similar smirk now dominating her strong features, although her irritation towards him was clearly still flashing in her eyes.

Blaze narrowed his stare at his sister, his hair being a touchy subject. How could he help it that it wasn’t exactly a normal colour? Well far from normal upon first look...most thought it had been dyed from the intensity of it.

“Don’t call me Blazy.” He snapped under his breath, not happy she had beaten him at his own game. The nickname had annoyed him from a young age since she had taken to using it. The worst part was that he couldn’t retaliate. Onyx wasn’t a name that couldn’t easily be manipulated into something annoying. The best he had ever been able to come up with in his sixteen years of life being ‘Oxy’ -which didn’t even make sense to him.

Still staring at the other, the charged silence grew even more prominent between them now, both wearing expressions of rage, clearly wanting to escape from the confines of the car.

The clearing of a throat made both of them switch their stares upon the frightened welfare worker, who had witnessed their little rant.

“What?!” They both snapped at her, not having the peace of mind to be civil.

Her eyes widened before she quickly stammered out that they had reached their destination. Neither of the twins had noticed, being too lost in thought.

They opened their doors, Blaze pointedly looking at the ground while Onyx was staring around curiously at their surroundings. They collected their luggage from the trunk of the car, both determined not to look at the other, the welfare worker waiting patiently out of their way on the sidewalk.

Onyx quickly began to move once she had retrieved her possessions, not wanting to be in the presence of her brother any longer.

“Onyx!” Blaze closed his eyes and spoke her name through his teeth, grabbing her shoulder and forcing her to stop in her tracks before she could move away.

She let out a frustrated sigh, practically jumping on the spot as if in a rush to get somewhere. Sighing she spoke quickly, not bothering to look at her brother. “What? Want me to apologise for being so rude to my caring brother in the car? Well I'm not going to so just shut it.” Impatience was clearly making its way into her voice and she struggled more under her brother’s grip.

Blaze sighed and reluctantly loosened his hold on his sister, who walked speedily ahead of him. He was baffled for a moment. Did he imagine it or did she for once actually look eager to reach their surely temporary home?

His thoughts were cut off as he looked up toward the house, finally realising her sudden enthusiasm.

The house was a huge multi-story complex that was set out on an area of well kept land. It was made of a richly coloured stone, old in its grandeur yet still taken wonderful care of. It was surrounded by an array of different flowers and trees, giving it a mystically old fashioned feel.

He choked on a laugh at how vein Onyx could be when it came to material objects. Sure, she was good at putting up her tough exterior and biting retorts, but on the inside Blaze could tell she was a little soft and liked to be pampered. Being a foster child didn’t offer you much leisure in life, something Onyx strongly detested. It was made clear, in those first few seconds when she caught sight of the house, that she would welcome this one with open arms.


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Fri Oct 31, 2008 10:25 am
Runelord wrote a review...



Hi Awaken,

Befor I crit I just want to let you know that I am not the worlds greatist speller, so I have no idea wether you spelt stuff well or not.

==================================================================

She let out dry laugh and continued her rant.

I think you should drop "her rant" and just stick to "continued"

To his immense please, sure enough, she bit.

Choose one, I would go with Sure enough, unless you want to portray Blaze as a little sadistc.

Other than that I think it was very well written, and don't understand how people can't see that it's a fantasy novel :P, keep going :).

It may be just me, seeing as how the title is Angels Will Fall I assume that Blaze and Onyx have something to do with angels (or are angel/half-angel).

If you are stuck for ideas I sugest you wach the movie Fallen, but judging by how you have written this, I think you have plenty in mind all you need is to KEEP WRITING :P.

Well written (again :P). :)

As always PM me if you want anythng ^^




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Thu Sep 18, 2008 6:24 pm
xGraceex says...



wow that was great! i cant wait to read more, it was amazing, i loved how you described them both :D




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Thu Sep 18, 2008 9:58 am
Awaken-the-Dark says...



I'd just like to quickly thank everyone that reviewed!

They all helped me a lot with seeing some stuff in my writing, so thanks!

Byes for now!

Jazz,

xoxox




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Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:27 am
vet4life13 wrote a review...



Hey! Great work on this. It was very well structured and had a lot of good descriptions. The only things I saw that were wrong with it were mostly grammar. Okay, let me crit this real quick.


Hostility. The word seemed fitting to the cab driver, being able to feel the emotion emitting from the two occupants in his backseat.

Sweet beginning! I can never seem to find a way to start my stories, and you did a great job!





One of the occupants OF the seat, a girl, twitched uncomfortably before sighing and moving back into the position she had started in. Her expression was torn between anger and frustration, causing her strongly cast features to become bolder in a show of fierce beauty.

Instead of saying "of", I would say in, but that is an opinion, not a correction. Awesome detail, by the way.





She breathed in heavily breaths

Here, I would put, "She breathed in heavily" or "her breaths were deep and heavy". Something along those lines.





...biting her tongue to keep herself from yelling out thoughts that plagued her mind. She shook her head back and forth, causing a few loose strands from her shoulder length hair to fall into her eyes.

Between "out" and "thoughts", I would put "the", so it reads
"...to keep herself form yelling out the thoughts that plagued"...
Also, I would put "...causing a few loose strands of her shoulder length hair"... (I added the "of" in place of "from"




The sunlight that streamed in through the window made it appear to be a strange black colour that was strongly tinged with blue.

Here, it isn't clear that you're talking about her hair. At first I thought you meant the sunlight. You should probably keep this in the same paragraph as the one before it, and seperate it into a different paragraph at the word "After"




The two looked miraculously alike, both having the same shaped face and hard features, both strangely captivating in their beauty.

The only noticeable difference in appearance between the two was in hair colour. Where the girl’s hair was that strange pitch black and blue colour, his was a wild and brightly toned apple red- completely unnatural looking.

The most noticeable feature that they shared was not their uncanny similarity in looks, but the colour of their eyes.

Alright, a couple of things about this. First, since all of the paragraphs contain the same subject, I think you should keep them all in the same paragraph, but good job anyway. Those paragraphs are tricky to get. Also, you used "noticeable" twice, right after the other. But very good job describing this and transitioning into the description.




Moving should be second nature to us by now

This should be "second natured", with the "ed" at the end.




continued to play the ‘suffering little twin role and I'm sick of it!”

I think there should be a ' after "role".





Onyx’s chest heaved up and down as she took breaths,

As she took breaths? I( would say something like "as she took deep breaths".




Onyx continued to tear him down from his self proclaimed pedestal

Sorry, this is a nit-pick, but it should be "self-proclaimed", with the - in between the words.





Oh, and you want to talk about personality’s dear brother, when was the last time you actually said a word to someone other than me?

"Personality's" should be "personalities". (No apostrophe "s")



Well far from normal upon first look...most thought it had been dyed from the intensity of it.


There Should be a comma between "Well" and "far"





“Don’t call me Blazy.” He snapped under his breath

The period should be a comma.
"Don't call me Blazy",He snappped under his breath" Unless you were saying that in a way different then I perceived it.




They collected their luggage from the trunk of the car, both determined not to look at the other, the welfare worker waiting patiently out of their way on the sidewalk.

I would put "or" in place of the comma in between "the other, the welfare worker..."




Want me to apologise for being so rude to my caring brother in the car?

I think it is spelled "apologize".




Well I'm not going to so just shut it.”

There should be a comma between "to" and "so".




His thoughts were cut off as he looked up toward the house, finally realising her sudden enthusiasm.

It is spelt "realizing".




Well, great job with the description and insight. This looks like it will be a promising and entertaining story! Keep up the good work, and post more soon!!!




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Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:01 am
Merry_Haven wrote a review...



Awaken-the-Dark-
So I have to ask...with the title called Angels Will Fall, is there going to be angels in it?
Well, I didn't really spot out any grammar mistakes, but here's my opinion on this part 1.
The tense atmosphere, sarcasm, and sibling rage was great.
It actually made me laugh, 'cause I was thinking about my own siblings. Hehe.
You gave the emotions of the twins really well.
You can tell how Onyx is frustrated and uncomfortable in the situation she's in.
For Blaze, it's how he's still not forgiving about the past.
Vivid violet, was a great description about their eyes. With that, you could picture what they looked like.
Switching...I feel really bad for the cab driver and the welfare worker. It's like they were there, but at the wrong time.
Oh, who's this blond bimbo?
Last, so how did the twins get to be in foster care? Did something bad happen to their parents?
Overall, I thought it was a splendid beginning. You will definitely have to pm me for the next part.
-Merry




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Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:47 am
shadepelt says...



I didn't see much wrong with it, and I thought it was great! You didn't just say things like "this is blaze, this is onyx, blahblahblah," your work was very well written!




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Sun Sep 14, 2008 2:25 pm
alwaysawriter wrote a review...



Hi Awaken. Sorry about pressing the back button!

“In case you haven’t noticed Blaze, this is the life of a foster child. So stop acting otherwise!
This is nitpickiness but "In case you haven't noticed, Blaze, this is the life of a foster child so stop acting otherwise!"

“I know you have always shifted the blame on me Blaze for whatever reason we keep moving from home to home,
Put a comma before and after Blaze.

She was way overdue for an attitude adjustment!”
I like this line.

Frankly, you’re your own worst enemy Onyx!”
Good job with this; most people would have messed up on it.:)

The best he had ever been able to come up with in his sixteen years of life being ‘Oxy’ -which didn’t even make sense to him.
People have wierd nicknames--it's not unusual. Besides, he could call her Oxymoron.

both determined not to look at the other,
This is kind of obvious.

Impatience was clearly making its way into her voice and she struggled more under her brother’s grip.
Wasn't she already angry and impatient?

Overall comments/suggestions:

There were a few times that the lines were a little obvious and repetitive so watch out for that.

There were a few words that were misspelled but I know that UK-English is different than American-English so I didn't point it out.

I want to see more of Onyx's and Blaze's personallities. All you show is anger and impatient. Blaze said that he knew Onyx had a softer side so show that (maybe she could save a kitten or something?). Onyx said that Blaze is a recluse so show that (maybe a neighbor-kid their age comes over and Blaze hides out in his room?).

What happend to their parents? Give us some backstory as to why they're going from foster home to foster home.

There was a lot of detail in here. Try not to add so much as to not bore the reader (You didn't bore me but adding a lot of detail can easily do that).

You said that this is fantasy. Where's the fantasy to it? I like it okay without the fantasy so I'm hoping it'll stay no-fantasy but that's completely up to you.

As always, PM me for anything. :)

-alwaysawriter




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Sun Sep 14, 2008 1:33 pm
MissAngle says...



Hey a very good peace actually ..... can`t wait to read the next part. To me it seems that the emotions have brought out very well. So very good job :D





"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare