Young Writers Society

Hi there, Awake! I saw this had no reviews yet so I decided to drop in

My heart races and pounds in my ears

I reel my heavy breath in my raw throat.

Drenched and numb

I don't really how to phrase what I'm going to say, but you have quite a lot of obviousness here. I mean, you're just telling that the heart races and pounds, and that's pretty much it. The readers won't have the chance to feel it, because you kind of let them get away with just reading the poem, when I think poetry should be given thought to understand it. Here, we don't have anything to understand, because you unveil what you're saying right away. I'm not saying you should suffocate us with metaphors, but try surprising us. Try different ways of saying something, and if you're going to use some word, don't use it but think of a synonym instead. Something that doesn't come right to your mind. Also, I personally try to avoid ever saying 'numb', because it's such a used and a blank word, and doesn't really tell us anything. It's becoming as flat as the word 'nice'.

Fear stikes my mind, run!

Did you mean "strikes"?

I try to move but cannot escape.

Caged.

An icy breath like wind whirls and wraps my body

Panicking, I look for an exit but only darkness is found.

My heart beats louder, I shiver.

Trying to move is impossible and tiring

The bolded parts are the same thing disguised as different things. Sometimes repetition is good, but not always – and usually this kind of indirect repetition is not, at least in my opinion. I tend to avoid that, too. (I hope you don't mind my "I do this" and "I don't do that" examples...)


From this poem I got the feeling you're just kind of telling a story in a monotonous voice. You know, as in "Bob woke up. He got dressed. He brushed his teeth. He had breakfast. He went to work." It gets boring after a while (especially in this example), and people want interesting. Otherwise they won't read your other work, which would be a shame. Also, you had these little "Caged." and "Nothing." kind of things between the lines, and all's fine, but I think they make the poem in general seem a little choppy and all over the place. I would suggest either getting rid of them or then just smoothing the line changes a bit more.

Also, beware of vague words like "something". They're kind of revolting to use in a poem, methinks. Besides, they're just filling the blanks, when I think every word should be meaningful and carefully considered.

I hope this helped, and just PM me if you have any questions about the review.

Thanks for the read!


Demeter
xxx