Clouded Gem

Clouded Gem

The embers of my hope cease to glow
Radiant colours.
Ebony ash asphyxiates any chance of
Redemption.
Emptiness pulses through numb and lifeless
Veins that cringe through out my core.
I long, reaching out to grasp
Anything, anyone
Only to recoil my search.
Drained and desperate, I blink dusty
Tears.
I muster air to breath so words
May flow to be devoured by the
Advancing shadows.
A silent air creeps upon, brushing
The soot from the hidden
Ruby.
The silent air clears a path for
Me to face the dazzling rain
So it can drizzle hies
In my sunken eyes,
Again.

*so, what do you think?

Comments

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Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:43 am

Juniper says...

Hi Awake!

I think that you have a wonderful ability to create lines that raise vivid pictures in our heads. I see that in your poem here you have some very, very good lines here, --

But! It's not building up to much.

I feel like instead of you using all of these great lines to create a poem that has a good, solid meaning behind it, you're focusing on using big words to create lines that we will enjoy. I do enjoy them, yes, but I think that in order for these to be truly enjoyed, they need to pull towards a bigger picture.

Also, to me, it sounds a bit fragmented, dear. I am not saying this to be negative at all, but, I would like to point out that these lines don't really conclude a complete thought. The enjambment, or way you have your lines structured, isn't completely effective because it's making this pretty choppy; in order to achieve a flow in these sort of lines, I would suggest lengthening your lines, and having some sort of meaning in each line that contributes to the overall picture.

Hope I wasn't too harsh!

You do have some really, really creative ways of wording stuff, though.

Nice work!

June