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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
herb- green
avian- pink (purple?)
a collab with the wonderful @herb; this was a fun one :]
also here is the text version:
Spoiler
you pull into the taco bell drive-thru at midnight,
i am knocked out in the backseat--
the soft glow of the radio &
your hands on the steering wheel,
my eyes in the rear-view mirror,
faded, faded. & you mutter something about
all the fireflies tonight, flicker in\flash out--
the soft hum of headlights and machinery
lull me further into rest-- my bones rest
deeper into the torn leather backseat.
the stars (fireflies?) blur together, into one
singularity of light and sound, beautiful &
incomprehensible--
you ask me what i'm going to do with my life
& i do not respond--i wish to remain infinite here,
under the orange glow of a street lamp &
living in your peripheral. you shake your head,
reading my palm & breath, saying something
about how i cannot stay silent forever--
my tongue sticks to my throat, and the honeyed words
rot slower than i can speak them.
you goat
Hey! I thought I’d drop by to leave a review on this wonderful poem
I really, really like the atmosphere of this! It has such a sleepy, half-dreaming feeling to it, which fits perfectly with the setting of being knocked out in the backseat of a car at midnight. Everything feels blurred around the edges in a really intentional way.
These are some of my favourite lines. The "soft glow" and "hands on the steering wheel" are both very clear images, and then "my eyes in the rear-view mirror" gives the moment a sense of intimacy. I especially like "faded, faded" and thought the repetition makes it feel like the narrator is literally slipping in and out of sleep, which is fitting.
One small thing I wonder about is the use of "soft" here and then again later:
This definitely isn’t a huge issue, and repeating "soft" might be intentional because it adds to the mood, but you could consider changing one of them just to make each image feel more distinct. For example, "the low hum" or "the warm hum" could also work. Totally up to you though!
I love the phrase “flicker in\flash out” and the formatting choice there. It captures the movement of fireflies really well, and the slash is visually interesting. My only hesitation is that the backslash looks a bit harsh compared to the softness of the rest of the poem. That might be exactly what you want! But you could also try something like:
or
Again, no pressure to change it. I just think this is one of those little stylistic choices that changes how the poem can be read.
I really like the sensory blending here. Headlights don’t literally hum, but in the context of the poem it makes complete sense because everything is blurring together. The one thing I’d maybe look at here is the repetition of "rest":
I don’t dislike it, but because the two uses are so close together, it stood out to me a little. If you want that heavy, sinking feeling, you could definitely keep it. But if you want the sentence to feel a bit smoother, maybe something like:
or
I actually really like "sink" here because it emphasizes the tiredness/weight of the body, but that is just a suggestion!
This is gorgeous! I love the uncertainty of "stars (fireflies?)" because it shows how tired the narrator is and also how magical the moment feels. I like how ordinary everything is, but how infinite it feels to the narrator. That made me interpret these lines as being someone younger, possibly a child, especially in the setting of the long drive/being in the car for a while.
Ahh, I love this part! The question "what i’m going to do with my life" is so big and heavy, especially compared to the quietness of the scene. And the narrator's answer feels very human and tender. “living in your peripheral” is such a lovely phrase as well. I interpreted it as wanting to be close without being directly looked at, or wanting to exist near someone without having to explain yourself. It’s subtle but really effective.
This ending is beautiful and painful. "Honeyed words" is already such a sweet phrase, but then having them "rot" before they can be spoken gives the poem this really sad, stuck feeling. It’s like the narrator has something tender to say, but the longer they keep it inside, the more impossible it becomes to say it.
The only thing I might suggest is playing around with the line break here, just to emphasize the final image even more. Maybe:
or
I’m not saying either of those is necessarily better, but it might be fun to experiment with how slowly you make the reader move through the ending.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem! I hope this review is helpful for you both!
Pru
thank you for such an amazing review! <3
hey, you two!
I really like this poem! You both are very well-versed in "aesthetic" poetry - this has a very imagistic, intimate atmosphere, and I think you've perfected that late-night feeling of driving around with no end in sight. The scene is immediately legible: Taco Bell drive-thru, midnight, narrator half-asleep in the backseat, another person driving, a question about the future, the narrator's inability / refusal to answer, etc. I like how there's a sense of vulnerability in both figures, even when the setting may seem "mundane" in a way.
^ The Taco Bell detail is awesome, but after the first line, your poem basically abandons its own strongest setting. I felt you could've stayed there, made some commentary on consumerism, or nightlife, or anything really. Why Taco Bell? Why a drive-thru? Why midnight fast food, machinery, fluorescent commerce, idle engines, grease, hunger, shame, comfort, artificial light, etc? What does that setting say about the narrator, or the person they're driving with?
Technically, I think your poem has a repetition problem too? "soft glow," "soft hum," "faded, faded," "flicker in\flash out," "blur together," "singularity of light and sound," "orange glow" - these all participate in the same sensory register, but they do not make any moves to escalate your imagery. Repetition CAN create a feeling of being in a trance, but here it reads as though the poem knows it wants to be liminal but has not considered WHY. How else can you reiterate those ideas without actually repeating the same imagery? I'd like to see you move away from focusing on the night / dreamlike imagery and move into something more active, as I think the poem could benefit from movement.
The central metaphor of fireflies / stars / singularity is also a bit underdeveloped to me as well. "The stars (fireflies?) blur together, into one / singularity of light and sound" is a very pretty line, but it introduces a scale shift... a singularity is astrophysical, extreme, annihilating, gravitationally dense; your poem uses it mainly to mean “everything blurs together." I think that weakens the word because right now, you lack a lot of grander imagery here. The poem is condensed into one scene, one setting, two people, whereas I really would like you both to EXPAND on all of those things. Push it further!
You know, this has a lot of mood. I really enjoy that. I think you both need to develop the narrator using that mood, though. You have so many cinematic ideas, but I felt they were missing something. Keep this for revision!
best,
chi
taco bell crunch wrap supreme
baco tell wrunch cap emesupr
ahhh this is beautiful! remind me to review this tomorrow!!! <33
Here's your reminder to come review this!