Eric I hope you knew

"Hey retard! Im glad you are moving, its about time this school gets rid of one of its most retarded assholes". These were the last words my best friend of 15 years ever heard. There are many times in life you may want to give up but , I hope that my story will provide a reason to keep going.

Eric was a 6 foot, blue eyed, trust worthyperson and a brother to me. I met Eric when I was only 1 years old. But Eric was someone who I naturally clicked with. We liked the same music, we liked the same color even. Night after night we would spend together planning out how close we would live in the future once we got married to our wives.

As time progressed the horrid news of his relocation surfaced. He was moving to Florida,he was packing up his bags and 2 months later he was due to depart. Now at the time I was already about 8 years old, and I knew the connection he and I had and would have throughout our lives. Moments before he left I arrived at his soon to be old house, we looked at each other and presented a quote.  We declared this as our last face to face  words before his departure. "best friends never last but brothers remain forever" I then took a mental image of those bright blue eyes.

 After his departure we decided we would talk every Tuesday from 5pm- 6 pm in order to remain close. We did exactly that, whether I had to get up from dinner or leave a friend's house early, we did it. 

Fast forward to my 15th birthday , I received a letter in the mail with a ticket to Florida, after 7 years I would get to see my brother again. But as I arrived there, I could tell something was wrong. His bright blue eyes seemed almost grey and around those grey eyes were bruises.  I knew he was a victim of bullying. Mental and physical bullying, and quickly giving up all hope. This was not the Eric  \I knew and loved. As we sat down he explained how he needed to stop the bullying , and how he fought back , but lost that physical and mental battle because he was alone.  I  began to rethink my life. Had I ever made anyone feel alone? How did I not know what he was going through? If we talked more would he be ok? I began to blame myself.I kept this inside and as the week drew to a close we both agreed that once more we would end our encounter with a quote. " Never look down upon anyone unless you are helping them up".

I decided to recite this quote every night before I fall asleep and every day after I wake up. But Eric took this a step further and wore a dog tag around his neck that read that quote. After seeing him in Florida we began talking more often , and he began to describe more and more the pain and agony he was enduring. In March of 2012 right before my 16th birthday a normal Tuesday night phone call was different this time .He called me with tears in his eyes and muttered " I can not , I can not live". I was terrified.  It only got worse. An entire year went by again and constantly I found myself worried. I could not shake the idea that all this was my fault.

 Fast forward to March of this year. I was in my new school, I had met a whole new group of people, but I still had that gut feeling that Eric was not ok. I had not received a call for 2 weeks, and no messages from him either. I called his cell phone, again no answer. I called his house and an answering machine answered. " This is the Florida Margo city  police, due to a recent incident this phone has been shut down ".  On cue my mother called me, " I'm coming to pick you up av, meet me at the front now" " Now" I knew Eric was in trouble.

 As I arrived home a stranger sat in my living room with terror in his eyes. He stood up and took a breath. " Avi, I regret being the one to inform you of this, your friend from Florida, Eric" I interrupted " My brother you mean".  " Your brother Eric was found dead in his house with a note, you were mentioned in the final lines, would you like to read his letter" . Without hesitating I grabbed it. I will share the last lines that have shaped me currently and that will always rule my life. " Avi , I'm sorry. This was not your fault, i'm not dead only at rest , I'll look over you forever. I know how much you love quotes so remember this  " Look to your right, look to your left, make sure the people there know how much you love them , because in a blink of your eyes they could be gone" I'll see you in heaven, I love you". As I looked back up from the concluding letter, I cried. I cried myself to sleep that night, nights after that, and still to this day. I try to act tough when times are rough, a lot of us do. But after this there was no control. My family , now stared at me as I fell to the floor screaming,  screaming for him to come back.  I realized that he was really gone, I would never be able to embrace him, never be able to look into those eyes again.  As time went on I became careless. That lie of " Im tired" was now told on a daily basis. I was depressed. Night after night I read that letter and truly blamed myself for everything that had happened. I felt useless, hopeless, and worst of all alone.  It took me time to listen to his final words and start to unwind the blame I had placed on myself and when I did,  A whole new me emerged.

Rewind to life outside of Eric.  Much like every other teenager the world was about me. The sun that the great philosophers once thought ruled the center of the universe now began to revolve around me. I had friends, but they were just friends, people to hang out with.  But after I read the words of that letter I realized that nothing and no one will last forever and nothing can be taken for granted. Think about your best friend , their eyes, their laugh , their voice. ---------------Unfortunately for me thats all I can do. In the recent times since moving from my home in New York to my new home in Philadelphia, I have lived my life a little differently. I have promised Eric that no person I ever meet will go home without knowing that someone cares. But more importantly I realized that everyone has a story, even while seeming so calm and so happy on the outside. As I look at this classroom , I know all of you have a side to your life that no one knows, personal or just unable to share. But it's not just you. We're all actors. You never know what someone is going through behind seemingly real smiles,  and you never know how much a single word or sentence could do. I wish that boy that caused Eric to take his life knew that.

That necklace that Eric once wore that bears my final face to face  quote " Never look down upon anyone unless you are helping them up", is now around my neck as a constant reminder to in fact always help people up, and also to remember how much a single human can impact your life.But most of all as a reminder of Eric.

Make every goodbye count, and make sure those last words at the end of your day would leave your friends at peace if you never saw them again. I am challenging everyone hearing or reading this to take a moment and think of your friends.-------- If they disappeared would they know how you felt?------ "Look to your right, look to your left, make sure the people there know how much you love them , because in a blink of your eyes they could be gone" RIP Eric, I hope you knew.