“Strange hooded man… vanishing magic… ”
Arriving at the ruins, headquarters of the Cove of Exiles. Behind a tree, Noira read over her notes just before entering bandit territory.
“Keywords ‘requested item’, chalice highly suspected… item wrapped in cloth handed to strange persons… Not important… Large sums of gold… definitely aristocrat… “ She listed out important things that were needed to be reported, and omitted the rest. “Samwell, arrested by Skyblade Knights… All set, although I’m not too excited to be reporting… Oh dear…” Although she did find the culprit, the chalice has still not been retrieved, and Noira doesn’t think the bandit queen is going to like this news.
It wasn’t long before Noira arrived at the door leading to Arecis’ quarters after dropping off the bag of herbs that originally were Samwell’s in her cell. Taking a deep breath, reluctantly, she knocked on the door.
“Arecis, it’s Noira, I have a report to give…”
“Enter.” and she did.
The room was only slightly larger than the usual cells where the other bandits, including Noira, had occupied. But still with the same, grey stone floor. A wooden desk, not too big, not too small, and sitting cross legged on the simple chair behind it was the boss. An ornate sword, Arecis’ prized possession, was leaning against the wall behind her. One of the few windows in the room had a small crack, and wind blew through it. A chest lies beside a makeshift bed that was just a couple extra blankets, not exactly ideal for the winter, when it comes at least.
“Speak.” Arecis was waiting for the report.
She spoke directly, knowing that taking the long way would not help. “I was unable to retrieve the chalice…” Noira started, then paused to see the bandit queen’s reaction. Surprisingly she was not outraged, but instead a calm expression was on her face. Looking at her subordinate, Arecis asked the thief standing at the door in a monotone voice, “You seem to have more to say.”
“Thank you for the chance to let me explain.” Noira inhaled, then continued with the information to be delivered. “Samwell was the one who took the artifact. I followed him into the Crooked Chandelier, in which a strange hooded man had joined him and asked about a ‘requested item’, which he later mentioned was the chalice we took from the temple.” Noira studied the boss’ face, still expressionless. “Here is the payment that was given to him, from the large sum of gold, it was probably from a higher up in the Auroran society.” She walked toward the desk and placed the sack on it, in which the bandit queen checked the contents.
“May I ask, how did you get your hands on this? Knowing you, you wouldn’t have attempted to let your presence be known, then or after.” Arecis found this quite suspicious, as no sane person would let witnesses off when a crime was committed. Especially not Noira, who preferred to hide in a corner and leave no trace of herself even if a big chance for a daring, rewarding stunt had arrived. “That’s actually the next part of my report… if, I may?” The bandit queen hastily gestured for her to continue.
“As soon as the hooded one had his hands on the artifact, he disappeared. Then a bunch of Skyblade Knights barged in and took Samwell.”
“I see…” The bandit queen thought for a moment. Shadows were cast over her eyes as she looked down, pondering, planning. “Samwell Brook. Murder, poison brewing, countless charges of theft, assassinations of a mayor from an unnamed village, and the duke of Southport. With a bounty of 5 gold or so, quite underwhelming, but expected of a military country. His execution is imminent, considering he murdered one of the aristocracy, a revered noble respected by many for his intellect. But I’d like you to confirm about the hooded man. Disappeared, you said?”
“Yes, vanished into thin air, one blink and he was gone. He must have been a mage, or sorcerer, or something. If I dare ask, what exactly is this chalice, why do so many dangerous men want it?” Noira knew the chalice was something of a greater power, according to the hooded man’s words she heard.
“Unfortunately, I don’t know. The aristocrat refused to elaborate more, only that it would be a job with high pay and he could find others to do it for him if we refused.” The boss let out a heavy sigh. “How did I get us into this trouble… this church artifact sure is more than it seems.”
Noira seemed to have some questions not regarding the lost artifact herself. “You mentioned that Samwell’s execution was certain, but how do you know?” Arecis looked up and spoke. “As you should know, every member in the Cove of Exiles has been faulted by the Auroran Empire, one way or another. As its leader, every member was personally recruited by me after earning my recognition and respect. Of course, I know every crime he had ever committed as he had told me himself, from his own mouth...” The bandit queen looked around, as if scanning the room for something. “I sent Waz to the heist, to test his loyalty to the Cove. Seems I was wrong and instead I am paid back with this disaster on my hands.”
She stood up and walked to where Noira was standing. “You will tell no one about this conversation, they need not know yet. Your blunder will be excused, for now.” Arecis walked to the window, the one with the hole in it. “You have a few new jobs now. Go find out more about this… mage, who took the chalice, if you can. Also, you must obtain the details on Samwell’s execution. I will need to squeeze some information from the traitor, then punish him myself for his actions.”
She continued, “Although I don’t think you would look for it, if you will be needing help from our comrades, inform me first on who they will be.” The bandit queen strode back to her desk and sat back on the chair. As she pulled out a charcoal pencil and parchment to start writing, she told Noira, “Get some rest, I expect you to start your search tomorrow.”
Noira bowed and left the room, gently closing the pine colored wooden door behind her. “Thought I was dead meat back there…” The bandit queen’s sudden change of mood certainly wasn’t expected. She had quite a job to do tomorrow, and much rest was needed of Noira.
Returning to her cell, she took off her cloak, revealing the various items and tools she grabbed while under strong emotions. Hanging it by the door, she placed her lockpicks, poisons, notes and charcoal, and some other objects with their uses on the small table they were originally placed, and organized them. Armor taken off, they were put under the table on the hard stone floor, and the boots beside the table. “Cold, cold, stone floor…”
She took off her earrings, and inspected them. They were soon placed back under the loose tiles, under her bed, some straw with a blanket. Satisfied, she immediately collapsed on the hay from exhaustion due to all the emotional fluctuations she had that day, and drifted into a tranquill, dreamless…
She dreamt, the heist vividly replaying in her mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello, My Friend!
Long time, no see!! Back from hiatus, it’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review the next chapter in this great story, using my downsized (for length) Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
What The Black Eyes See
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Ooo, and here we get to see Noira make her report to the boss, after such a bizarre encounter at the tavern... Ihave to say, I would've expected worse given the buildup in the first chapter! But it sounds like she's not out of the woods yet, and the new mission—both finding details on Samwell's execution and investigating the disappearing man—certainly doesn't sound easy! Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
I feel like the structure of this sentence specifically was a little bit off. Perhaps, to help, "placed back under the loose tiles, under her bed, some straw, and a blanket." Or perhaps, "placed back under the loose tiles, under her bed of straw and one blanket."
That’s all! Great writing job ~
Why The Grin Widened
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
I am very much curious if Noira will be able to reach Samwell before his execution, and if he will even be willing to divulge information to the likes of her. Likewise, who was he conspiring with, involving the disappearing man? A secret society, or a corrupt noble of sorts? Hm...
As for a couple of things that stood out to me in this chapter...
I like how observant Arecis is as she's listening to the story. It tells us a lot about her character—that regardless of who she comes to employ, for however long, she's always keeping an eye out for deception.
Ooo, another cool thing to learn about Arecis! Knowledge of your past, especially criminal offenses, is certainly something that would give her a lot of power over someone like Samwell. That kind of information could easily be weaponized! Also, her secretly testing the loyalty of members? Very sneaky...
Our
MadThoughts...Overall, that was another neat chapter! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hello there! Otterpop here with a review!
So this is my first time reading any of your works (related to The Aristocrat or otherwise) but I must say that I am very interested in what I did read. It's not terribly long, but I don't think it needs to be.
I think your writing is very strong with description and characterization in particular. There was a lot of description relating to what characters were doing, feeling, and reacting to, especially regarding bandit queen Arecis. She is clearly the kind of individual that projects a lot of power and influence, not born of fear but out of respect, which is something I love to see in characters both on the neutral and antagonistic side of things (not sure if Arecis falls into either of those two categories but her being a queen of bandits sure makes that more likely). It also seems like Noira has some kind of standing in this bandit society to confidently give a report, but also be potentially nervous about a negative reaction from Arecis who simply responds with calmness and intelligence that makes me insinuate that she deserves the position she carries.
What's also interesting is that, despite me reading this for the first time and it being a a middle section of a story, I can still understand pretty much everything that's going on here. Sure, I'm missing some context, but there's enough information for me to grasp what's going on despite charging blindly into the middle of a story. Heck, there's even some solid worldbuilding with this conversation and that's something I can appreciate!
I think there were a couple of little sections where the flow didn't feel quite right per se, and I think there are some cases where some of the story could be written or organized slightly differently.:
Saying Noira entered with just a few words after a single "Enter" command feels a bit off, not story-wise, but paragraph organization-wise. I think if the "Enter" was by itself in its own paragraph and the fact of her entering was the start of the next paragraph, it would give the command a lot more meaning and transition much better into the next paragraph of describing what Noira is doing and seeing after the command is given, if that makes sense.
I think you should have separated the paragraphs the moment Noira began speaking. Having two different characters speak in the same paragraph can often lead to confusion (it definitely did for me in this case, I had to read it again to figure out what was going on), and it's usually best to separate that out for improved flow and organization.
These are just a couple of the little examples I'm talking about regarding paragraph flow, just something to consider! All in all this was a fascinating read and had a lot of great moments and sections, just a few little itty bitty reorganizations that are easy to fix without taking anything away from the story. Nice job on this, hope the rest of the story goes well! Maybe I'll come across it again in the future!