“We’re reviewing the plan. Who’s got the blueprints?”
It was a half moon. Waz was assuming command, they were just outside of the temple, some abandoned structure in the middle of the northern forests, hiding in the trees nearby. According to the information they had, which was passed down from the boss, who heard it from their commissioner, there was another group of bandits inside as well, occupying the space.
One of the bandits handed the right hand man a large, rolled up piece of parchment. “Gather round.” Waz told the group. “As the boss mentioned, the artifact should be here.” He pointed to what seemed to be the where the podium would have been, for preaching about the temple’s deity, now long forgotten. “Next, there is another group of bandits nesting in here according to the boss, which Noira had confirmed after scouting out earlier in the day.” He glanced at her, who was wrapped in the cloak she was wearing, hood on. “They seem to have named themselves the Wolf Pack. Bunch of ruthless savages going around recently.”
He studied the blueprints further. “Our pay includes taking them out, so we are gonna have to clean the place as well.” He looked at the temple and pointed, “First we take out those two guys standing watch. Samwell and Noira, that’s your job.”
He then pointed back at the blueprints to some spots and assigned groups of bandits to their stations. “You three, stay by the window here. The two of you, stand here, you’re going in with me.” Waz pointed to another group. “You three will follow Rocc in when he charges the door.” The ones following Rocc in would be Samwell and some others. “Luna, if things get bad we’ll need magic support, just don’t cause another disaster like last time.”
Last time, was taking some stuff back from a bunch of corrupt knights for a village in the east. Except Luna went kind of wild and blasted fire all around with a euphoric expression on her face. “Hahaha! Burn you hapless pieces of cannon fodder!”
“Noira, you stay back and catch any loose rats that run off.” Samwell was going to the frontlines, so that left Noira and Luna to sit in the back and provide support. “The bandits sleep in the main hall, as soon as Rocc gets in, all of you follow. Any objections?” The group did not make a sound and nodded.
“The arrogant higher ups, making us clean up. At least the pay’s good. Move out, men.”
First was Noira and Samwell, while the others waited, hidden by the trees. They circled around the temple, coming in from behind. Ducking under the windows they snuck their way to the Wolf Pack’s watchmen.
A code of the cove was that they would not take from the poor and innocent, anymore. “You have stolen, robbed, perhaps even killed and tortured, for the sake of survival of the fittest. Now, you are one of us, and reborn anew with us you have no more need of such.” The very words of the leading head of the Cove of Exiles, Arecis.
These men robbed honest merchants, had their way with innocent virgins, murdered children, and Noira would not feel guilty for delivering a code of the cove and giving them a ticket to the other side. She unsheathed one of her shorter blades and with a quick motion, the bandit fell, not a sound made. When she looked over, Samwell was done with his task as well.
The group then went to their stations, arriving without a sound. Waz looked around, making sure everyone was ready. He then made a gesture to the ones at the front door.
Rocc lifted his hammer slowly, then crashed it into the door. “Sick em boys!” They charged in, the ones coming from the windows shattering the glass and jumping a few bandits, giving them a swift death with quick stabs on the ground. There were around twenty of them, including the ones taken care of outside. “What the- ” one of the Wolf Pack woke up, but before finishing his sentence Rocc had shattered his skull with the large hammer he wielded. More of them started to wake up, but everything happened too fast for them to react. One by one they were cut down in their drowsiness.
“What’s this all about!” A man who seemed to be the leader burst in from a door on the left, sword in hand. “You think you can get away with this! Get them!” Unbeknownst to him, there was already no one left. “Take a look around, sleepy head.” Samwell was already behind him, blade at his neck. As the leader of the Wolf Pack came to his senses, his eyes widened in shock as he dropped his sword. “No, wait, spare me. I can give you money, how much do you want?”
Waz walked up to him. “Haha…" He started, slowly. "Well, I do want, a lot. But you see, we were... paid. To clean up of course.” He snapped his fingers. “No! Mercy-” His plea was cut off as his head fell to the ground. “Ah old Waz, so merciless, playing with his enemies.” Samwell jokingly mused.
“Tsk, get to it.” He gestured to the podium with his head. “Aye sir.”
The temple, holy home of a forgotten deity, was now littered with bodies and filled with the stench of fresh, flowing blood. Samwell walked up to the podium. He looked around, but had a confused expression, “How… Where…” Curious, Noira went to check in on him.
“What’s the …problem?” Still observing, Samwell replied. “I can’t seem to find the artifact, or any mechanisms to hide it.” Noira looked around for a while. Noticing something on the ground, she came to a conclusion. “Can I have a look?” Samwell gave way while she bent down and touched the suspicious tile. “This one’s loose.” She then tried to lift it but it was too heavy for her small body. “It’s.. I need help lifting it…” She let go after saying it. “Rocc, come here and help the missy!” Samwell called out to Rocc, who brought the hammer. After one look at the spot Noira pointed him too, he smashed the tile into pieces.
“Ooh, what if you broke the chalice?” Samwell said in a joking tone. Rocc retorted, “I don’t think I used that much strength. Besides, don’t they say that ancient artifacts were hard to break?” “Heh, since when… Hey a metal box! It may be in one piece after all.” Samwell dug the box out of the pieces of broken tile and fiddled with what looked like levers on it. Luna then came by and started playing with the tile pieces and arranged them. She sometimes played around like this.
“Flick this lever… This goes up… “ There was a click. “Aha, it’s opened.” Opening the box, he took out the contents inside. A black chalice, shining in what little moonlight that made its way into the temple. “Here you go, Noira, your prize for finding the treasure. Although you will be parting with it when we get back.” Samwell said with a smirk. He held out the chalice, smooth to the touch, and Noira took it.
She inspected the intricate, detailed carvings on the metal chalice. Unnaturally shiny, notches were repeated all around the cup. The base of the chalice had interesting art carved into it, perhaps a story or depiction of the deity whom people had believed in. “Well then, I think I’ll be keeping this for the time being.”
“Hey Noira, come look at this.” Luna called out to her, who then walked over to see what it was, chalice still in hand. “Doesn’t this look like that artifact you’re holding?” She said, grinning. Noira looked at the tile, pieced together, there was a picture of a cup on what looked to be the backside of the tile. She then looked back at the cup she was holding.
Silence
A word forced its way into her mind. “What was that, I don’t think that was part of the memory… Wait, what memory…?” She looked back at the tile, but it was not there. The whole temple was gone, only a black void was left. She felt something wet on her lap. Blood was leaking out of the glossy, black chalice.
“What the-!” She tried to throw it away, but her hands wouldn’t move, her body wouldn’t move. Then, as if propelled by some strange force, she looked up. A single ray of light, shone on a large, stone altar. Masonry depicting sacrifices and angels and crooked blades and crucifixes were carved intricately on the sides, as if telling a long forgotten story.
She saw her. Luna laid on the altar, chained down by heavy shackles, blood on her face, with a lunatic smile on it. “What is going on! Luna!” Noira cried out to her childhood friend.
“...”
There was dead silence, Luna still with the scary smile and expressionless eyes, bloody face, head sideways, facing Noira. Then suddenly, an echoing command.
“Wake up.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello Again, My Friend!
It’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review the next chapter in this great story, using my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Oh, so this one was a flashback/dream chapter! That's cool! I was curious when I the chapter opened with the whole team setting out on a mission, including Samwell...And what a way to do the "it was all a dream" reveal! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Great! Recounting the mission as it happened, showing the trials they faced (and tore right through it seems), then ending with the surprising twist and tone. Cool!
Descriptions and Setting: Nice! I feel like there could be more descriptive notes. It is an old temple that houses a priceless relic, after all. But by no means was it bad, and I loved the details like the box mechanism and the bloody hallucination!
Characterization: It seems like the team works together well enough, including Samwell! If this was just the first chapter, I wouldn't have anticipated one of them betraying the team...I also enjoyed the touch of banter, like Samwell teasing Rocc about possibly breaking the chalice.
Grammar and Wording: I didn't really spot any major typos or anything. I did notice some points where dialogue tags would help, as Wolfi pointed out in her review, plus a couple of more specific things that I'll drop in the next section. Otherwise, looks good!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here! Let's break it down...
I really liked this point, which is why it's also in the highlights section! But I do think it feels a little disjointed in the descriptions, because it reads as active dialogue at first, rather than something Arecis has said in the past that happened to get brought up in this description. Personally, I would italicize Arecis's words so it reads more as a thought or a memory than as active dialogue, but that's just me!
So when dialogue from different characters is piled up into one paragraph like this, it can be a little hard to follow. I would personally recommend starting a new paragraph whenever the other person goes to talk. So Samwell says his line, maybe including a quick action in the dialogue tag, then Rocc goes to say something else, etcetera.
But that's also just my two-cents, free to take or leave!
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Ooo...no theories tonight, but I am super curious about this chalice, and the meaning of Noira's dream!
As for reactions and highlights:
Lune sounds like a fun character, based on what I've read about her! XD
This was a super neat detail! The moral thief, and/or the chaotic neutral—a classic character angle, yet always entertaining. And the way Arecis describes this initiation into the Cove as "rebirth" from one's past is super interesting!
Haha, this was a cool moment! Loved that "sleepyhead" taunt.
Is that foreshadowing I sense, Samwell? >.>
That whole hallucination sequence was so cool and eerie, and the way you ended it was awesome! I wonder how Noira will interpret it all when she wakes up...
MadThoughts...Overall, that was a great way to give us a little more insight into the group's mission thus far, and the chalice! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hi there!
I haven't read any of the other chapters, but chapter 4 isn't too far along, so hopefully I'm not too lost here! Please disregard any feedback that comes simply from my ignorance of the story's arc <3
I like this little character-building flashback! I also wanted to call to attention the casual tone that the chapter's overall narration has. Here you have it with "some stuff" and "a bunch of" and "kind of wild." It's fun to see this modern voice in a fantasy adventure story and it gives a sense that the story isn't taking itself too seriously.
Is that Waz saying the second line, about the arrogant higher ups? Either way, it could use a dialogue tag.
I'm curious about what provokes him to say this. So far it feels like the chapter is from Waz's perspective, and I'd love to see/hear more of his inner monologue. Maybe as he's looking over the silent, somber faces of his comrades, he wants them to remember that even though he's their leader, he's on the same page as them and curses the authority in their society as well.
Here's another instance where this would be more effective, in my opinion, were it written more explicitly from Waz's point of view. You could try something like: "The words of the leading head of the Cove of Exiles, Arecis, echoed in Waz's mind, reminding him of one of their most essential codes: 'You have stolen...'" As it is now, the description hangs in the air as a expository fact about the world and the Cove, written like it would be in a history textbook, without being directly tied to a character's thoughts and feelings.
That's how you do it! It's the first time we're seeing Noira's POV in this chapter so it caught me a little bit off-guard, but there's nothing wrong with an omniscient POV. Just show us more of those character thoughts and feelings!
Ooof, that's cold! I wanted to highlight this sentence because there are three different characters speaking in one paragraph. You'll want to start a new paragraph each time a new character speaks!
Love this description!
Woah! Spooky!
I hope that that voice is Waz and this is all just a dream! D:
Wow, what a twist at the end! At least for me since I haven't read any of the other chapters, haha!
So as I read further, it definitely seemed like Noira is the main character of the story, especially since we followed her into her vision/dream/memory. I would think about potentially writing this novel from her perspective exclusively, since it could be extra powerful to focus on one person's thoughts and feelings - or maybe you could alternate between characters for different chapters. Omniscient POVs can be tricky to pull off successfully.
The pacing of the action parts were very quick and could perhaps use a bit more tension. As it is, the crew seemed to deal with the bandits exceptionally quickly and easily.
I really enjoyed this! I think I saw the next chapter in the green room, so I'm planning to head there next! Great work here!