churning desire

Hey Aven
So, I've given you a review on this on the other site, but some furthered thoughts:

I do think that this is quite good, though the flow feels a bit off to me. The word choice was excellent, of course, and you managed to put across an image that has been completely filled in, with fewer words than seems possible.

While I do think that you could play with "red painted lip", I do like the "etches in treble hip", so keep that. Overall, excellent, of course. You already have the majority of my thoughts.

I didn't quite get this. Sure a cool format of a poem is always suprising and inovating, but they are not always good. This is one of the times format didn't do much for the actual poem itself. Now, the poem was good, but It was lessened by the format. Try to keep your formats logical.

This was a pretty good poem. I liked the second half, but the first half needs reworkage. "Kiss to the bones?" Usually people plant a kiss on something, not to it. "Red painted lip" sounds like you were aiming for some imagery, but didn't quite make it. And "treble hip" sounds completely forced. Well, hope you found this helpful.

-Kafka

I like the idea of this poem and the strange format not often seen, but I don't think that these 24 words give a good clear meaning of what your trying to say. To me it means a kiss to the bone= Love and maybe falling in love then, serrated tongue etched in treble hip= pain from this love, something bad happening. But then from there I can only tell that bad things happen? (If I'm guessing correctly)
That is the negative part to this piece but there are also positives as there are positives to most everything in life . The positive is your word choice which is really good, I like the way the words in this piece flow together with a simple and elegant flow. No commas or punctuation seems perfectly okay with me and adds to the old elegant telling of this poem. Thank you for posting and I enjoyed this piece!
Peace,
SnickerDooly