Published June 28, 2010
We met during a humid, hot, heat wave
Immediately enthralled
Overcome with feelings, I write about you
and talk about you
and think about you
We walk to the ocean and we chat
and laugh at what we have in common
What we don’t
What we want
Nothing but each other
That summer
Everything changed
The days became colder and so did you
The nights grew shorter and so did our conversations
Calls became infrequent then finally, nothing
The sun set, we said good bye to our last summer day
I watched you walk away
You got what you wanted from me
And all I got in return
Was a broken heart
Frigid, frosty, snowflakes freeze my face, my toes
Seems ages ago
213 days until summer
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
I would also agree that it sounds like a list more than a poem. It sounds like it would be in the song section.
hey there !!
ok so frankly to say, i liked the poem but as the others said, it lacked completeness(if there's such a word??). it felt like you left out some part or somehing. when i read it i felt that it went by too fast. maybe try seperating it into different stanzas so that you can focus on each part of the story within the poem and also to let the people who are reading this to be able to go along with the flow of it. well thats all but i really think that you can do better than this, or maybe give the same poem another try using the same plot type but just narrating it in a different way. okay ? all the best !!
-buddy
For me the only saving grace for this poem is this.
I love that line completely. It will have been said before, but seems to sit originally in your piece.
I agree with the first review to an extent. It doesn't necessarily have to have emotions, but it always needs something.
I would give the poem a 6/10. It was okay but could do better.
hope this helped.
~Retro Disco666
Hey AutumnSun!
Just one short comment! Basically, I think this poem can be broken up into two parts -- the part where they are in love and the part they aren't in love! But I think there's a part missing... the transition part where they fall out of love! As it is, it seems a little sudden! So I would definitely add a transition part of this poem.
Just a thought!
...wow...
The problem I'm seeing here is that you paint no images. This is a list; you tell, tell, tell me what happens. This is dull. Expand on what happens more; weave a storyline with images that show the person reading what's going on. Make them feel what you want them to feel. This left me numb, because it has no real value, emotion-wise. This poem tells a simple story with amateur alliteration and attempts at figurative language.
When you build a poem around a story or a plot, think of it as the framework. In general, when you're making a poem that's like a narrative (because it tells a story), you want to think of it as a house (cliched, I know; deal with it). Your plot is the frame and structure of the house, because it supports your story. The walls and roof are the emotions you'll want to convey in the poem, because they cover the structure and make it useful, because, without any elaboration, a storyline is nothing more than itself. It's a story, with nothing else to add to it.
Then, once you have your walls and your roof, you paint images. Images are the windows and the doors and the shingles on the roof and in general everything and anything that makes the house stand out. This can be done with any combination of adjectives, metaphor, similes, or any other kind of figurative language. You have alliteration here, but it comes off as amateur and childish.
I suggest looking at the basics of what a poem is, dissecting it, and looking at each piece on its own, before building a complete poem, purely because you can't very well understand your own poetry when you don't understand the pieces.