Hi there AutoPilot! Niteowl here to review this interesting essay.
Overall, it's an interesting argument, and not necessarily what I was expecting when I opened this. I think you make some excellent points, but I do have some critiques.
1) The first body paragraph is pretty weak. First off, I don't think slangy/borderline inappropriate idioms like " Romeo was thinking with his groin instead of his head" belong in a formal essay. I would try to word this idea in a more formal way, like maybe "prone to infatuations and obsessed with pretty young women". Also, the first sentence should be the topic sentence of the paragraph, effectively showing the reader what the paragraph is about. "Friar Laurence was a very interesting man" doesn't do this. I feel like the idea you're trying to get across is that he was serving as a mentor to Romeo, but didn't do enough to curb Romeo's passions. If so, I would go with something like "Friar Laurence knew about Romeo's passionate tendencies, but did not do enough as a mentor to steer him away from poor choices." You might also want to add a little more to this paragraph to make the point clear, perhaps using quotes from the text. Are you supposed to be using quotes to support your points?
2)
The friar encouraged Romeo and Juliet in their exploits of ‘love’. After Romeo was banished, Juliet was extremely distraught.
The friar had encouraged Romeo and Juliet’s hidden affair, he had married them against their families wishes and without their parent’s blessings.
Juliet then kissed him in hopes that a few pearls of poison might have clung to his lips. She then fell dead for real.
A couple edits here.
3) Generally, you should avoid first and second person in formal essays, so I would rework your introductory paragraph to take out the "I".
4) A good persuasive essay anticipates potential counterarguments and rebuts them. In this case, the main counterargument that I can see is "How would the Friar know that his letter would never reach Romeo?". Some possible rebuttals include 1) that it's irrelevant because he shouldn't have been encouraging the lovers in the first place or 2) that he could have sent better supervision of the letter (I don't remember exactly what happened here so this point might be moot). In any case, you could combine the second and third body paragraphs and dedicate the last paragraph to rebutting potential counter-arguments.
Overall, this is a good essay and you bring up some interesting points. Keep writing!
Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274
Donate