A smile took his face as he leaned back, curling his knees to his chest and shivering slightly. A slight breath, and he begins to talk to her with whispering tone.
“Hey, it’s been awhile," his voice broke and he let out a slow breath.
No response.
“I know you must be angry with me, huh? Just, please... listen,” his voice shook, whether from laughter or trying not to cry, it was hard to tell.
She nodded, though he did not see.
“I’ve been thinking, and, I’ve decided.” She sat down and leaned against his back, his eyes widened slightly, and he continued. “I won’t let you go. I’ll keep trying forever, because-” he blinked back tears, “because it’s not your fault.
“The house, the fire, it,” his hands gripped around some of the wet grass beneath his palms and began to quiver. “It was all my fault.” His voice broke and his eyes were now brimming with tears. She shook her head, and prayed in her heart.
“I’m sorry, I tried so hard,” he burried his face in his knees. “I tried so hard,” he whispered, voice dwindling to nothing as he wept.
They sat in silence, him sobbing, and her trying to comfort him.
He took a deep, shuddering breath, and leaned his head back, against the gravestone. “I just wish I could have you back.”
“Me too,” she whispered, though he could not hear, even as she rose and walked around to face him, leaned forward, and placed an invisible, barely noticibale, kiss on his brow.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I know this story may be perceived as lacking some detail, but sometimes, in times of grief, the lack of detail is necessary for how raw the emotions are. Your short story does a great job of throwing out complete observation, which seems to work very well. It's as if you are only observing the conversation, which works as you slowly reveal he is not conversing with a live person. I like it. A lot. It worked for this piece, although typically I might suggest more details/insight.
Thanks for the review!
I was very impressed as well. The story should be developed more. The ideas and getting the reader hooked into the story. The part about the gravestone was very touching giving a sense of emotional ties to the deseased. The introduction was very well created. The middle could use some more meat to it. The ending could have been tied in
Bit more answering those questions that the reader may have been thinking.
Please continue writing you have potential.
Thanks for the review
Wow, deep. That was superb writing. I enjoyed how you left the reader with questions, and only answered some by the end of this story. If you ever turned this into a chapter book or something of that sort, I would read it without a doubt (hint hint). I liked how it was not that revealed the protagonist was speaking with a deceased woman, but that was only revealed at the end. This story should totally be longer! Keep up the good work!
-Kazuto Kirigaya
Thanks for the review Kazuto! I intended for it to be a mere glimpse into a sad story. I'm glad you enjoyed it
If I ever do expand on it, I'll shoot you a PM!
Best regards,
Authorian~~
Thanks, you too!
Hey!
So I'm going to start off by saying this is a great piece you've got here. You've got a story while at the same time keeping it short, I also wasn't quite sure until the very end if the girl was dead or not, in other words it's really clever! I loved it.
Just one little point. Be careful about over using the word slightly/slight. Maybe use other variations in places such as 'a little' just to make it sound a little less repetitive.
Other than that this story was great!
Burninhell
Thanks for the review! Your pointers are helpful ^.^
In truth, I wrote this around ten months ago and only just now uploaded it because I wanted to. But I believe I've learned enough since then that if I were to rewrite it I'd do better. But I'll keep your pointers in mind!
Best regards,
Authorian
Ahh, fair enough
It was a great story anyways!!!!