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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Its good but your 2nd line in the 2nd para. doesn't make much sense.
Hey,
I thought you dealt well with the rhyme scheme - it didn't deem forced in anyway. But I agree with Jasmine in that you could probably have explored the ideas in the poem with more depth if you hadn't had a rhyme scheme because as lovely as they are, they can restrict your language!
I really enjoyed your poem
As far as nit-picks go Jasmine picked up on one but I noticed another -
'have' should be 'has'
Also punctuation has been brought up by someone else and I don't agree with them on this because your lines have natural pauses at the end so I don't think that punctuation is strictly necessary though if you were going to put it in that would also be fine
Overall though I really enjoyed it
Keep Writing,
Lydia
I think your poem is really good. I liked the part ta the end where he disappears and it makes you wonder why he left and where, alll in all good skill writing keep up the good work!
You use a very common rhyme scheme and do it well, and overall the poem is well done, but THERE IS NO PUNCTUATION! Just because it's a poem doesn't mean that there doesn't need to be any, and not every first letter in every line needs to be capitalized, it's another thing people stick in poetry that isn't correct. Other than those two things though, this poem isn't all bad. Keep Writing!
Hi,
The rhyme pattern works well here and the shift in the final stanza is especially effective, as is your use of italics.
I only have very minor suggestions. I'd get rid of the apostrophe in the first "its" as "it's" is "it is", not a sign of possession. I'd also rewrite the second line in stanza two, as it doesn't make grammatical sense and change "were doubt" to "was doubt."
For the sake of experimentation it might be interesting to try this without the rhyme pattern (though you handle it well) and to draw more on imagery to suggest the state of the speaker, rather than letting her/him depict his/her own state directly.
Hope this helps. Feel free to p.m me if you have any question,
Jas