Young Writers Society

Hey Auteur,

I thought that this was good. You described Mel well and gave me a clear picture of what she was like. Just one nitpick? In the section about Wai, it struck me as sort of repetitive. You kept saying "Wai, Wai, Wai" Maybe that's just me, but I just found it a tad repetitive. Also, at the end, you used the words "To sum it all up" This is okay, but perhaps a more interesting closing line would be better. Overall though, it was quite good.

Hope this helps!


-Minister

Here is my grumpy teacher critique, lol. It's very grumpy, but hopefully it's still helpful?

In 'Out Walked Mel' by Paula Boock, Mel is the character I have been studying. <-- Don't tell us that you've studying her. That's obvious... otherwise, you wouldn't be writing an analysis! In this essay, we don't care about you... we care about Mel.

Mel is an important character because in the novel she teaches us not to run away from our problems, and she also encourages readers to think about their futures. These are the two reasons I will be explaining in my essay as to why Mel is important. <-- Show, don't tell--even in essays! You can say that she teaches us not to run away from her problems, but don't clutter it up with telling us your approach to showing us how this comes about.

Mel is a typically stroppy seventeen year old who aspires to be and do something different in life. <-- Stroppy is slang, so you may want to avoid that. Also, what does she want to differently? Describe!

She is confident in herself and her future, and coats herself in a tough exterior, whereas beneath she is a sweet and caring girl. Mel is sarcastic, for example when she was talking to her boyfriend Benny, she replied to him, "Oh f'chrissake, so we could have a dippy conversation all night, what do you think?" She's also very stubborn and reckless, and has a courageous side to her. Like when she was at a club, a Scottish man called Steve asked her if she was afraid of heights, and she retorted, "Nope, brave as a lion." <-- Go deeper. You are explaining the outward signs and saying what she is. Okay... but I could get that from the book summary. Show some analysis on who she really is beneath her exterior. Why is she sweet and caring? Why does she hide this side?

Mel is an important character in the novel because throughout the story, she teaches us not to run away from our problems. <-- Stop repeating yourself! This is essentially your thesis statement (which is itself very tell-y and not very descriptive).

When Mel ran away from a problem she had brought upon herself, she only delayed fixing it by going to live with her dad for a while, or as she calls it, "Premature departure to Christchurch, preempted by major ructions at Place of Learning.' <-- Describe the problem... after all, this is a conflict and it should be the pivot of the story. If you spent an entire paragraph discussing her character, why not describe the conflict as well and her motives behind it? What is this conflict, why did she bring it upon herself, what made it so overwhelming that she decided she couldn't handle it, and why would she exile herself?

she missed out on setting things straight with her best friend Wai, and lost the chance to when Wai died, without her to be there to have possibly stopped it. <-- Capitalize the beginning of every sentence.

If Mel had not left home, and confronted her problems instead, things could have been smoothed out and perhaps she could have prevented Wai's death. <-- Use quotes to make your point sound... right now, it seems more like wishful thinking than real analysis.

Mel's story "began with Wai, and ended with Wai." She only took a long route to going about solving things. She teaches us to stand strong and face our problems head on. <-- Does she, really? It sounds like she only teaches us to stand strong and face our problems head on by making a disastrous mistake. Back your opinion with quotes.

Mel is an important character because she encourages us to think about our futures. <-- Stop saying she's important! Soooo repetitious!

Mel left school because she was kicked out for her disrespectful behaviour, and had no intentions to return. However when Mel was on a bus, she started talking with an old lady named Florence, who discussed with Mel about her problems. Florence told Mel after listening to her story, that "It's no use pretending that you don't need it. You haven't got a donkey's chance out there without an education today. All those other things I expect you'll work out given time, but if you throw away your education, you're a damn fool!" Mel leaving school portrays the average teenage drop-out, seeing leaving school as an escape, but in the end Mel realizes that the real world requires some teenage hardship, and that without school or an education, she would have a failed future.

To sum it all up, Mel is an important character<-- GAH!

in the novel 'Out Walked Mel' because she is a character that can relate to most New Zealand teenagers, who are facing the possibility of running away from home, or leaving school. Mel eventually teaches us all that confronting our problems is a much more adequate way of handling life. <-- Your conclusion shouldn't just "sum things up." It should add something else to your points and show your teacher how this story is applicable in your life and what you have learned from it. Your main point you wanted to make was that you should stand strong in the face of adversity... show how you personally came to that conclusion. This is where you can shine.

So yeah. Definitely a grumpy critique! Hopefully it helps?

(I still love ya! )

Hello, Auteur. I'm Hannah and I'll give you a few tips that I've learned from writing school essays.

The first thing you should do is look through the essay and look for repetition in the first sentences of each paragraph. One of the big things that teachers emphasize is transition, which would mean how you tie each paragraph to the next. If you start two paragraphs with the same thing, it seems more like a list than an essay. Connections are important!

Secondly, (though this is probably the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER ABOUT ESSAYS) is the thesis. All the teachers say HEY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER ABOUT ESSAYS IS THE THESIS, and they mean it. They mean your essay is about your thesis. Everything in your essay should be related back to your thesis. If you want to talk about more, make your thesis bigger. Your thesis in this essay is pretty good, but it can be better. Instead of saying that a character is important, go directly to why she is important. Especially if she's a main character, the reader will already know that she's important. The only time you should ever say a character is important in your thesis is if the character is a minor character and you're trying to argue for this minor character's importance. You do a really good job of keeping your points to your thesis, and of separating them into paragraphs that stick the order you set up in your thesis. So good job on that.

The last thing I'm going to comment about is integrating quotes into your essay. It's good that you've at least used them, but you can attempt to use them in a smoother way. For example, instead of putting the quote at the end of the second paragraph and making it stick out like that, you could stick it in an earlier sentence.

What I mean is, instead of using the quote in its same context (something that the character said), use it maybe in a description, like saying she shows us a tough exterior, "brave as a lion", blah blah blah.

If you don't get what I'm saying about that, feel free to PM me, okay? ^_^

Overall, you have a good start to an essay, and I'm sure it'll be satisfactory even without edits, but there are a few things you can do to polish it up!

Good luck~ Hope you get a good grade. :3

-Hannah-