Please ignore the periods in between stanzas. The spacing wasn't formatting correctly. x'D
.
After so long away
it all
felt
forsaken.
.
The trees had decayed
they would
not
reawaken.
.
There was brush underfoot
but it scraped
at
her
skin.
.
There was light overhead
but beneath
it
was
dim.
.
She remembered the sounds
of those loved
long
ago.
.
They were echoes now
lonely memories
in
tow.
.
It was saddening to see
their last marks
on
the
ground.
.
They were no longer here
not a soul
not
a
sound.
.
It had grown very old
in the years
that
had
passed.
.
But then, so had she --
and gave in
at
long
last.
.
As she laid on the ground
in the place
all
her
own.
.
Her last thoughts were their voices;
she had found
her
way
home.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I really enjoyed reading this poem. Especially how you had the last three words on their own lines. It makes the poem unique and cool to read. It all flowed very well and had a great meaning in it. Those are the two things that I really like in poetry. Good work!
Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
D
I love how at the end of each stanza you spaced the words to show hesitation. Well I think that was what your going for.
Thank you! I was hoping to make it sound a little breathless, since she was supposed to be struggling a little. Thanks for reading!
Wow! I love this! Very intriguing and well written. This is obviously a poem, but there is a very strong story in it as well. Fills you with satisfaction to read this. The woman seems so peaceful 'in the place all her own'. My favorite stanza is 'they were no longer here not a soul not a sound.' You said to ignore the periods, but I think they pace the words quite nicely. It looks good visually. You are a wonderful writer, very talented and I look forward to reading your other work--Trapped.
-ChloeJoelle
That's my favorite too! Haha. Thank you!
Amazing poem! Its bleak but this makes it all the more meaningful. I love the way not everything is revealed at the beginning-but how the poem appeared to me as a continuous journey in which the reader discovers more and more until it reaches the end.
I love the rhyming! It flows so well and fits into the poem perfectly-without making it seem like you were lost for words. It was perfect. I also love the structure. I haven't seen a poem like this before-but I think it flowed better than most others. I love the way you leave the 3 words at the end of each verse - its really unique.
I couldn't see any flaws.
Tick tock
Thanks so much!!
Hello, AustereMelodies. This is a depressing poem, but a good one all the same.
The elderly woman walks barefoot on a bushy plain, sorrowfully recalling old memories of times long passed, before thinking about them one last time.
The format of the poem is great, with every consecutive line shorter than its predecessor in each stanza. Not only does it look good, but it is very fitting for the theme of the piece.
I liked the rhymes - simple, classic, they never get old. This poem made me put myself in the woman's shoes, and think about what it would be like for me, what I would think in such a situation.
Hope this review helps, and helps encourage you to get some more writing done. Keep it up.
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Wow, I think it's awesome that you think about your old characters! I should do that more often... I wonder what they would be doing today? *puts thinking cap on*
I'll be completely honest; reading the first four lines, I had a lot of trouble picking up a rythm, because there just weren't enough words for me to get a grip on. BUT when I linked forsaken with reawaken... POW! Everything fell into place, it sounded beautiful. Your rhyming is great, it doesn't feel like you were just looking for words which rhymed, it feels like each word is supposed to be there and the rhyming is just a coincidence.
Not a soul, not a sound. I just wanted to point this bit out because the reptition of 'not' was perfect. The words sounded beautiful, they really did! It even reminded me of Dr Seuss.
My one suggestion has to do with the last part. It doesn't sound right. I think you need a comma after voices so that the sentence makes sense. Otherwise, it's a really lovely poem! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much! I'll work on fixing that last bit. (x
I found that the whole message was beautiful. But I'm confused was the woman in the poem an old woman or a woman with dead friends. I know age is not a running theme in some poems but it would have been nice to have some context. You should carry on writing poetry as I think you have a real knack for it and think you're very talented. Again beautiful poem.
The answer to your question is both. xD An old woman remembering friends from a long time ago who were gone/ dead. And thank you!