It is the poem I've posted here in this forum in my first topic. There, it was only a beginning of the poem, and now I've finished it. I do hope it's much better than before, and I also hope for sincere comments.
Fire Inside
So many dreams have broken by now,
So many years spent searching for vow;
The Life was born from ashes and ice,
Mercy was broken, fate chosen by dice.
Fire burning inside, ready to conquer, (it's how I want this, though it's not really rhyme, still...)
But the outside is frozen by merciless time,
Sacrifice must come for saving the rhyme
Of beating heart in the ruins inside.
It is all coming down right now,
The cage is closed, no way up, nor down,
Though fire burning all that is infront,
No escape hole, only ashes on hunting spot.
Loss of soul is here, but is fought back,
A small light may survived by luck,
What was done cannot be corrected again:
Though somehow it helps surviving the pain.
Truth turns to be a white winged eagle,
Enjoying the silence of what is left inside,
Deep within faith thy heart is eager
To reach the shores of your glowing smile.
New hope is born, making wish less fragile;
Though traces of tears not erased by time
Nothing builds a new track for thy mind,
Only fire that is burning, burning inside...
With all best wishings,
Aust.
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Canary word: Present
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Obviously you've put a lot of thought into what your poem means, and i think the things you are trying to convey are very interesting, but i think the whole thing is rather abstract and hard to digest, i'd try and make it a bit more tangible, maybe talk about a person in particular or try and anchor these ideas of fire, ashes and ice within a body.
I think what you're trying to say is very smart, but that is it all seems to be floating in space a bit.
However nice poem ^^
Oh, that's deep Aust.
Thanks for explaining... it helped.
Well, the poem is talking about emotions that have been secluded and hidden within the soul for a very long time. About dreams that were risen through lots of pain and ruined within seconds. Fire represents here all the "strength" of these feelings, and like the fire, if they're released, they'll probably "burn" lots of quite precious things. However, all of this, no matter how absurd and banal it may be, is hidden under a mask. Mask, that was created during lots of uneasy "life events". And so, the mask is burying all of this, and also gets more and more heavy on the one's self. It's becoming the one's cage, closed from almost every possible direction. Though every tunnel has it's end, no? That's the light - something very similar to a goal, that makes the "existing" much easier. Every aspect of one's life is made much and much sharper than before, and giving a new hope... However, hope is not always easy to carry - that's the eagle...
Though non of this can "deal" with that is hidden for so long.... That's the fire, that keeps burning the "inside".
Hope it helped.
Aust.
Hmm...serious stuff but it confused me.
Points I think that are to be noted:
Putting them in plural will spoil the fun so you need to keep the words in singular form, but the is 'A' missing in (although putting it seems a little boring):
1.
2.
Cliched rhymes (I've got not much right to say this cause I used the same twice) but nonetheless:
Loved the following line:
You should put it somewhere else or in italics, else it looks like part of the poem and spoils the presentation:
And I wish you could clarify the significance of the whole "fire" thing.