Published May 6, 2011
I'm a little rusty with poetry, but I don't hate this. It doesn't read as smoothly as I would like it, and has had very little editing. I want to make it as good as I can, but please try not to rip it into little tiny pieces.
She stood on the edge of the woods,
The girl with flowers in her hair,
Waiting.
He promised he would be there,
He would come, she hoped,
If only she waited long enough.
The girl with flowers in her hair,
Standing on the edge of the woods,
Waiting.
Are you scared, little girl?
Are shadows too deep?
Will you run, little girl, or will you wait the night?
Hide, little girl,
There are things in the dark you should not see.
Run, little girl,
In the light you’ll be free, because
He isn’t coming, little girl.
Wait until the day,
But it will never be his face you see.
She waited,
The girl with flowers in her hair,
For a boy who would never come home.
Though the dark came,
And the shifting shadows,
She waited.
Until the sun drove the darkness away,
And a diamond tear fell at her feet.
She fled from the woods,
From the darkness,
The fear,
The spun glass hope,
To see a boy with storm gray eyes.
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Hey there! Walker here with a review, as requested ^_^
So, on with the show!
So first off, I thought I'd say you incoporated an interesting concept into this which is awesome. Sometimes people get far to far into the imagery and the flow that they generally lose track of what they are trying to prove or put forth in their pieces. Simplicity, though sometimes seen as undesirable, is often needed in the laying forth of ones own thoughts. So hats off to you on keeping your topic very straight!
Now, what I would like to speak on is some of the repetition you use. This poem at first glance appeared to be lengthy and filled which excited me. As I read it, though, I found it was pretty repetitious in areas that didn't necessarily need it. For example;
Now on its own, this is rather lovely. But only four lines later, you repeat it almost word for word.
Usually I wouldn't have much to say on repetition in poems, but in this case it was almost as if you used that to fill dead space instead of trying to sum up the stanza in a more clever, maybe colourful way. Use that space for imagery and poetic device.
But not all repetition is wrong in poetry. You use the words 'little girl' quite a bit but that works effortlessly with your topic as opposed to what I had initially picked out.
Next, I would like to talk about imagery.
You have a very straight-forward poem here. Almost too straight-forward, as if you could put it straight to paragraph form. Prose has its own purpose as does poetry. Poetry, though short, should give the reader a complete feel or taste of what you're trying to put forth. A finite reality. Its that part that often pushes writers away from poetry all together, or, in some cases, attracts them to it.
In this case, I want you to work hard on your imagery and your texture. Simplicity will only get you so far. Show me why this should be a poem and not a short story. Why this, of all things, is worth even being titled poetry (not saying that it isn't, of course! Just trying to get you fired up as a writer ^_^). Stretch into the confines of your vocabulary, and if you're having troubles even then, pick up a thesaurus or a dictionary. Words are our tools of choice. Should we not try and use the best of what we've got? ;D
~Walker
It took me a few reads for it all to make sense, so the wording/rhythm of the piece is a little off in the last stanza, I think. I really liked how you protrayed the innocence of the girl in the night, but the end also seems a little like you got tired of writing. I think there's more story to this poem that isn't being said. "Ran from the [shadows]... To see a boy with storm grey eyes..." There is so much more that he could be. You don't say if he was the same person you introduced in the beginning of the poem. Needs some work, methinks, but pretty good idea.
Hi! here to review!
This question disrupted the flow of the poem.
I LOVE THISS!!!
I love this. WOnderful. This should be featured in my opinion.
Love,
Drama
This is a beautiful poem. I liked how you repeated 'little girl' to make the girl seemed tiny compared to the world. Was that how you meant it? That's how I got it anyway.
I have a tiny problem with the second line there though. At the moment, it sort of doesn't connect to anything. Can I suggest you to reword it around a bit like:
Or something like that. I think that it would flow better and makes a bit more sense.
Also, you mentioned a "spun, glass hope" at the end. But in the beginning you wrote "he would come, she knew". It sort of doesn't match. Hoping and knowing isn't exactly the same thing. Maybe you could change the "knew" from the beginning to "hope" too? But that's just more down to the technicalities more than anything.
Other than that, no more problem. The flow was good, it was smooth, the topic you're writing about isn't cliched. So yeah, well done.
Wow, I absolutely loved this poem! It was perfect (:
Beautiful!I especially liked the repetition throughout the poem, it really strengthened it I thought. The imagery and emotion were both really great. I thought this line painted a great picture:
There weren't any mistakes that I could find, so I can't really help you with anything. This poem is beautiful and I would love to read more from you! I''m following you too by the way (: