She was beautiful. God, she was the most alluring, intelligent, gorgeous girl I had ever seen. I couldn’t get enough of her light, fluttery giggle. The way her slightly crooked yet adorable teeth showed when she laughed. And her smile, too. The simply content curve of her cute smile, how warm she looked. Her shoulder length dirty blonde hair, falling perfectly straight over her beautiful shoulders, with their light tan and visible collarbone. But those are just looks. Dimples and blue eyes. Cutely crooked teeth, the tiny black dot on her right cheek. Her slim waist and curvy hips. It’s everything else on the inside. She was so kind, and funny. When she told a story, you couldn’t help but get lost in her eyes as she spoke, seeing the light twinkle and the small content smile she always wore. How passionate she was about everything she cared to speak out about. And how when she took the time to talk to you, really engage in a conversation, all else seemed to fade away. The only thing on your mind were her beautifully spoken words. Filled with small laughs and little grins and twinkling eyes. But we will never be together. I know that. Because I’m also a girl. We will never be any more than friends.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, I'm here for a review!
Oh. My. God. You literally just described how I am currently feeling about one of my friends. . . One of my best friends, actually. She's so perfect, but the problem is she's straight AND has a boyfriend. So.... UGH!
Anyways, I really like how heartfelt this is. I really can relate, (like I said above.) I love how you listed the things you loved about her, and how it seems to go on forever. Because when we love someone, we really do love all of them, don't we?
I love how the tone changes as well. In the beginning, the narrator is admiring her and telling the readers how perfect she is, but in the end, it changes to sorrowful because you can't be together.
One suggestion I have is that maybe you might want to change the formatting. If you break it up a little it could be easier to read. So maybe like this:
She was beautiful.
God, she was the most alluring,
intelligent, gorgeous girl I had ever seen.
I couldn’t get enough of her light,
fluttery giggle.
Something like that would let the reader take in the words as individual thoughts, so it might make more of a lasting impression. But that's just a simple suggestion. Do whatever you want.
So overall, wow. This hits home with a lot of people. If you didn't have such a talent for writing, I don't know if you could have pulled this off. I'd love to read more of your work!
Happy Writing!
<3
Hi!
I found this very sincere
I would point out that perhaps you might want to use some indentation and more formatting so that the reader can appreciate your words a little easier and make it a bit more aesthetically pleasing.
That being said, there is nothing more beautiful than to read something born from the innermost feelings one has when in love. John Steinbeck once said that you can make rules and guidelines for writing, but in the end, there is no perfect formula. However, what is likely to yield something good is something earnest and full of love, because if you FELT it, it is that much more beautiful. (not a direct quote :p )
I would use some more descriptive language and work on the flow of it. One thing that helps is after formatting it, read it out loud -- this will help it read more naturally and help you find those words that just sound PERFECT.
I would also focus on the dilemma of having feelings for a girl while being a girl because it is something so relevant today and while it's slowly becoming normalized, it's still a struggle and difficult to go through.
And also--
don't give up hope. If you really feel it, go after her. Or just get to know her better. If she doesn't "go that way", then there are so many girls out there that would love to have a poem written about them and maybe you'll find one that you click with perfectly.
Don't ever be afraid of being you and expressing those feelings.
Hope all goes well and NEVER stop writing and expressing.
Stay awesome!!
Love,
Ang