Where Are You?

Hello!
Welcome to YWS, sorry it's late.
It's a great community here, I hope you enjoy yourself.
Your piece was lovely.
I loved your hook and it kept me wanting to read more, until the ending.
Near the end, to me it got a bit uninteresting as if you were repeating yourself.
Wehn editing, dont be scared to take entire stanzas out or add new ones.
some very good phrasing and ryhmes.
However, occasionally the ryhmes might've seem a tad bit forced but I think you acknowledge that and know they need to change.
Overall, loved the piece, struck great emotions and I TOTALLY, amazingly, vonnected.
I think any girl can~

If you have an questions, or comments or simply want to chat feel free to PM me!


`tamara

Good job. your poem has a nice rhyme scheme which is hard to come across. The rhythm could use a little work, but it's good.I suggested some changes and I hope they help. You could try to put a little more feeling into your poem, but it has a very good base *claps hands in applause*. Not much of a poet, but I try and I hope this helps a lot. Good luck and keep on writing.

Aurora wrote:I’ve been watching(try searching) for you all of my life,
But no one so far seems to be right. (Change to "But so far, no one seems to be right")
I’ve seen others unite and it’s caused me much strife,
To know that you haven’t yet crossed my sight.(try "to know that you've yet to cross my sight")
Where are you?

It seems like I have been alone for ages and ages,
Wandering and wondering if love is for real. (I think you misspelled the first wandering. did u mean wondering)
Sometimes the only solace I find is within the pages,
Of (the) books that I rip through with zeal.
Where are you?

But books are made up and the characters fake,
Thought up by some soul who writes what he dreams.
So how can I be sure that love will ever take
A hold upon you and fill your heart to burst at the seams.
Where are you? (This stanza throws off the rhythm of the poem and I can't think of how to fix it. You can take it out since it might not be necessary.)

Do you even exist or am I speaking to air,
And trying to comfort the emptiness inside.
I am so ready it is difficult to bear
And continue thinking about the place (in which) you abide.
Where are you?

No(try putting an exclamation mark to emphasis your point) I mustn’t give in to these feelings of desolation
Because surrendering seldom compliments the people I’ve seen.
At this point in my life there is some consolation,
For truthfully I am only sixteen.

Hola!
& a late welcome to YSW to you! Mind if I give this a go?

Speaking as a person who almost ALWAYS writes in rhyme, I'm proud of you for doing it and not making it sound too awkward.

However, one thing that I will say is that the point of a poem or a story is always to make what you're saying unique to you. This is a topic that we've all seen since the onset of puberty. Nothing in here really makes one stop and say "Woah, baby!"
From the way you write, I really think you have an amazing amount of potential, but to quote someone who critiqued me once, "break away from stupid angst and boys!" If you want to write about something like this, then you're going to have to break your brain trying to think of a new way to say it or a way to improve the old.
Another thing I noticed was the flow. Rhyme is sometimes hard to work with because you've really got to work at how each line moves or it just sounds.....forced? TOO rhyme-y? I dunno, but you get the gist of it. Try grouping things so that you've basicly got the same amount of syllables or something.

Anywho, good start, and good luck!

~ Eden